I don't want to visit my parents

[SwearySwearyQuiteContrary]

I am really sorry about how long this is. I don't want to drip feed.
I live O/S and am not emotionally close to my parents. There's a huge backstory but I'll try not to to bore you. Suffice it to say that my childhood can best be described as emotionally neglectful with bouts of physical punishment that would not be acceptable nowadays. The adult/dependent relationship was reversed and I spent my childhood fixing things and sorting out their messes, often financial. It was extremely difficult to break free of this. Whenever I am on their radar, it is all about what I can do for them or sort out for them or pay for. I lost a small inheritance when I had to give them the money to cover debt incurred by financial mismanagement. When I got my first weekend job I saved for months then was guilted into giving them it all to cover more debt.
They would be horrified to read any of this. They don't see themselves as anything other than good, loving parents and grandparents. I'm made to feel guilty if I don't have plans to visit. It's a VERY long way and costs £££££ to get back to the UK, even before factoring in accomodation. I'm meant to be going back in the summer. I don't want to. There's a list of stuff for me to sort out already and I just want to scream, "FFS, you are ADULTS!"

I'm probably a bit more angry than I usually am because my parents approached me a few months ago asking for a "loan" of £6000 to cover some building work that they had failed to budget for properly. I didn't feel comfortable saying anything other than ok, even though I was mortified at having to ask my husband if it was ok to use our family money to bail out my rubbish parents. Again.
Anyway, last week DM let it slip that the building work hasn't been done because they have applied (and seem likely to get) a grant to cover it. No mention of repaying the money to us. It's not the money I'm bothered about, so much as it feels somehow as though I've been deceived and taken advantage of but in such a way that I don't feel I can kick up a fuss.
So, I'm meant to going back to do the dutiful daughter visit and right now I'm just sick of it all. I want to cancel. I know that it would be much better for me mentally to cancel right now. I'm really scared of their reaction, though. Lots of sighing, tears, guilt.

Please talk some sense into me.

Here to hold your hand, good luck and stay strong

They will want an explanation, they will say they want to see the children, they will use emotional blackmail... just be ready for it. They probably genuinely look forward to seeing you & your kids, but its always about them.
If it's your one annual trip, you probably have other people you want to visit.
I have realized that all my trips to the UK are based around my mother, & I have friends I haven't seen for 15 years.....
Just be strong, its like a vaccination, you dread it but its over quickly !

Well, no reply to the text, but no FaceTime call either. Strangely silent.

Remember they can't actually get to you or hurt you in any way. You have all the control here - if they call and are abusive or unpleasant, or even just whiney and PA, you can hang up. They are not calling so you feel guilty and worried about why they aren't calling. Don't fall for it. Take the time to think about how pleasant it is when you don't have to call.

My next step would be to tell them you have a financial emergency - make it as dire as you can stand - and ask for your money back. Them not giving you it should help you break away from them.

Have you considered going NC with them? Or at least very little contact with them?

Well done, Sweary. Brave move.

Still radio silence from the DPs. In some ways it's good, however it makes me worry that I'll need to brace myself for Sunday's call.

Make up an illness, nothing too serious, just to provide a good enough excuse for not seeing them.

I would counsel against telling lies; its too easy to get confused and trip yourself up. Also if they then pile on the guilt, you'll already be feeling bad about lying so it's easier for them to put you back in your box.

Remember that "No" is a complete sentence. You don't owe them an excuse or a reason not to visit, or to ask for the repayment of the very generous loan. "Because I want my money back" is reason enough.

Can I extend you an open invitation to the "Stately Homes" thread? You will find many of us there who have dealt with "difficult" parents. I can also recommend reading "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward and "If you had controlling parents", sorry can't remember who wrote that one!

Think of it the explosions this way: you can put the phone down, not reply to emails, etc. You are not there.

I had the explosive temper tantrums from 'loving' dad growing up too. Don't let that put you off. If you feel yourself weakening for that reason, try asking yourself how many more times you are going to give into this bully, how many more years will he able to dominate you. Put a stop to it now, you have your own kids to think of. And don't let the 'loving grandparent' routine change your mind either, picture your kids cowering in a corner while your dad throws a tantrum.

Bear in mind they might not call at all. You said they both used the silent treatment as a weapon when you were growing up, so they might do the same now to "punish" you for standing up to them.

If they do that, then they will be waiting for you to cave and call them and grovel... So don't!

If they do call and they do start shouting at you etc, could you just say something like "I'm not prepared to be shouted at like this so if you can't talk to me with respect I will end the conversation" - and then put the phone down if they carry on?

I think it might be good for you to go through the various scenarios in your head of how they might act, and rehearse your responses.

Or better still, just be out and busy at the time they're likely to call!

Your feelings and wishes matter in this situation, Sweary, they really do. Even though your parents have spent a lifetime convincing you that they don't.

Courage!

Oh and I saw this on another thread and thought of you...

Just to clarify, I thought of you in a nice way!!

You've done the right thing. My ils are similar and my poor dh really struggles with the guilt. We go round and round in circles sometimes and this results in even me believing their requests are reasonable, where usually I would stand firm! It is the way they have conditioned him and any outsider can see they arent being fair. Is clearly totally the same situation for you. And please ask for your money back.

Talking. Thank you all so much for your support. I feel apprehensive but oddly calm. I'm not blinking first.
Pocket, thank you so much for the invitation. I'm not sure that my stuff is bad enough for the Stately Homes threads, though.

Oh yes its bad enough. Stay strong for the sake of your children and your lovely partner. They deserve your loyalty not those two immature moochers.

Just saying hello as I guess you're gearing up for their phone call (or lack thereof).

I did an inner "yay" when I read your last post "I'm not blinking first"!

And I second what Feline said, yes it is bad enough. They sound so deeply selfish and self absorbed, you have never been entitled to express your (legitimate) feelings and be heard - you say their response has always been silent treatment or rage, both of which are emotionally abusive.

And then of course they've leeched off you for years and years.

Fwiw, nearly everyone who posts on the Stately Homes thread starts out saying they don't think their stuff is bad enough. It's one of the functions of abuse that you doubt the validity of your own experience and minimise/deny how bad it is. A great many of us used to think that we came from essentially normal, loving families, and it's often a long process to change that perception.