I don't want to visit my parents

[SwearySwearyQuiteContrary]

I am really sorry about how long this is. I don't want to drip feed.
I live O/S and am not emotionally close to my parents. There's a huge backstory but I'll try not to to bore you. Suffice it to say that my childhood can best be described as emotionally neglectful with bouts of physical punishment that would not be acceptable nowadays. The adult/dependent relationship was reversed and I spent my childhood fixing things and sorting out their messes, often financial. It was extremely difficult to break free of this. Whenever I am on their radar, it is all about what I can do for them or sort out for them or pay for. I lost a small inheritance when I had to give them the money to cover debt incurred by financial mismanagement. When I got my first weekend job I saved for months then was guilted into giving them it all to cover more debt.
They would be horrified to read any of this. They don't see themselves as anything other than good, loving parents and grandparents. I'm made to feel guilty if I don't have plans to visit. It's a VERY long way and costs £££££ to get back to the UK, even before factoring in accomodation. I'm meant to be going back in the summer. I don't want to. There's a list of stuff for me to sort out already and I just want to scream, "FFS, you are ADULTS!"

I'm probably a bit more angry than I usually am because my parents approached me a few months ago asking for a "loan" of £6000 to cover some building work that they had failed to budget for properly. I didn't feel comfortable saying anything other than ok, even though I was mortified at having to ask my husband if it was ok to use our family money to bail out my rubbish parents. Again.
Anyway, last week DM let it slip that the building work hasn't been done because they have applied (and seem likely to get) a grant to cover it. No mention of repaying the money to us. It's not the money I'm bothered about, so much as it feels somehow as though I've been deceived and taken advantage of but in such a way that I don't feel I can kick up a fuss.
So, I'm meant to going back to do the dutiful daughter visit and right now I'm just sick of it all. I want to cancel. I know that it would be much better for me mentally to cancel right now. I'm really scared of their reaction, though. Lots of sighing, tears, guilt.

Please talk some sense into me.

I live O/S too. When you're that far away you mostly have to trust that the family is doing what they say they are. For us they usually are, or they're not asking us to bail them out anyway.

So they're grandparents. To YOUR kids?

Cancel the trip NOW. No more trips until they stop taking savings from their own grandkids' futures. No guilt. They don't deserve your savings more than your own children do. They've had a lifetime to make their own way in the world - your kids don't get to earn before that money is needed in their lives. They are in education, they need it for education.

I hope you don't wobble on this. You need to tell them exactly why you're not visiting - 'I loaned you £6k and didn't get it back when you didn't do the work/ you got a grant. I cannot afford to spend another £Xk coming to see you.'

This is a cycle you have been manipulated into. Stop it now. (Please)

I absolutely understand where you are coming from and where you are currently.

It took the death of my late-DH to give me the strength to stand up for myself, stop giving money and stop being guilt-tripped. Enough was enough in my life at that time.

I would never wish my 'wake-up call' on anyone else. But it took something so big and traumatic for me to get the guts to build my 'new normal' in the way I needed it to be.

You are massaging a seriously dysfunctional relationship that brings you very little joy. I think you probably want to do all the right things to ease some part of your conscience (you mention guilt). Are you still feeling guilty because you moved far away? Did you say, "I'll come and visit regularly"? Have you made a promise to "Always be there for them"? (We all do these things when we are trying to escape a dysfunctional family.)

If you haven't booked your ticket then don't! You have to start to extricate yourself from an emotionally draining relationship that does not enhance your life.

I know that it would be much better for me mentally to cancel right now

Then that is what you need to do. Your loyalty is to your own family unit - you, DH and children (if you have any). You can care without loving - and certainly without feeling you are responsible for DM's life and decisions.

I agree with the other posters, but I can imagine standing up for yourself will be really difficult.

heartsorehelena makes a good point. You've effectively given them your air fair, so tell them you now have to sacrifice the trip. Make them feel guilty for once...

I agree with the posters above OP. Your own family and DH are your priorities now. Do not feel guilty for being manipulated emotionally and financially by your own parents. They sound very wearing indeed.

I had 'difficulties' with my own dad, who was emotionally manipulative, but finally started to put my foot down in my mid thirties when I had a young family to think about.He would have hissy fits/get very angry if he didn't get his own way and we'd all pussyfoot around him. Not the way to go. Sadly, some people just don't change.

The only person who can change the situation is you - cancel your trip however you feel comfortable doing that.

What incentive is there for your parents to start being financially responsible? Absolutely none while their surrogate mummy is picking up the bill. Stop doing the same think and expecting a different result and ask for your money back.

It's time to accept that this is who they are and you are entitled to reject their sense of entitlement. However, before you can take that step, you first have to investigate what drives your own behaviour because that's the only thing you have the power to change in this scenario.

Stop letting the past be your present and future.

the only beneficiaries of the status quo are them.

Cancel the trip.

Add all the money you have given them over the years up and imagine what you could have done with it for your own children, or even just yourself and your DH.

They are shameless. Don't feel guilty!

Thank you for your support. I've been quite tearful reading your replies.
I did promise to go back sadwidow, mainly to stop them coming over here after their last awful trip. My DM, although young, has a chronic illness. They insisted on travelling against medical advice. Once they got here, my Dad announced that he'd organised his own week away with friends in the country and that DM was to stay with me. No consultation and certainly no warning about just how much care she needed. I slept on the floor of her room so I could take her to the toilet 3 times a night and DH had to take time off work to help me because I physically couldn't lift her on my own. Again, there was simply an expectation that I would take over and sort things out for them.
I do have DC, and you're right, that is money that's been taken away from them.
I don't know what to say to them, though. How do I put it out there without sounding like a complete bitch? Should I mention the money we lent or just let it go?

I'm leaning towards not going. DH is great, he's mentally written off the money and has not said a bad word to me about it. He's fully supportive of me not going - why throw good money after bad doing something that stresses me out so much?

I know exactly what you mean, OP.

It's not the filial guilt, it's 'the grandchildren'. Oh, the grandchildren! Not fair on them, they need their grandparents!!!
There will always be something to guilt you with.
keeppeace by visiting O/S but booking days to see other family and friends too. the GPs will tag along for some of them, but you get a breather.

You're very worried about upsetting them or appearing unkind. Maybe it's time to upset them? Or are you going to live the next 20 years giving them your money and feeling horrible about visiting them?

Please ask for your money back.

I'm shocked at what your father did too! I can't believe he just left you to look after your mother without any warning.

When they keep asking for money do they have the means to pay it back? Savings? Does your father still work?

Just tell them that until they've repaid the money you're unable to visit because of the cost.

Or will that just bring them over to you?

It is hard to stand up to your parents but I know it gets easier after the first time.

Just tell them that as they haven't repaid the loan you simply can't afford the trip.

I would be inclined to keep the money and the trip separate, rather than imply that if they give you the money you'll visit. Start with a message saying you're relieved that they have a grant as you struggled to raise the money for the loan, or that it was money earmarked for your children, and that you would appreciate repayment asap. Send details of the account you want the money paid into with this message.

Do that before you cancel the trip. You don't really need to go into why you don't want to go. Book another holiday instead so you can't be guilt tripped into changing your mind.

This visit by you needs to be cancelled; they are making you ill. They may well kick up a stink but really what is the worst they can do?. Like many adult children of such toxic parents, you are very much in what is known as FOG - fear, obligation and guilt. You need to break free of the FOG. The message from you to them just needs to be short and with no further detail. After that is sent, you need to cut them out completely from your life and block all their means of communicating with you. They were toxic parents to you and remain a poor influence to your own children; they do not need these people in their lives in any way, shape or form either.

Given your mother's ongoing chronic ill health its unlikely that she would be deemed fit to fly anyway. They have no money to speak of to pay airfares.

I doubt very much you will ever see a penny back; such financially incompetent parents have spent the whole lot and there is nothing left. They may well yet not receive any grant money. Enabling them as you have been guilted by them into doing has simply prolonged the agony for you as well as leaving your own family poorer.

It may well be a good idea now for you to see a therapist to unravel all this dysfunction but you really need to see someone who has NO bias about keeping families together. Reading "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward could be helpful to you as well.

I am worried about upsetting them. I hate conflict and upset. My Dad had the most explosive temper when we were growing up and if my brother or I said anything they didn't like, it was horrible. Both DPs could do the silent treatment for days.

It would definitely be easier not to pursue the money but for the first time in forever there's a little bit of me that thinks "This is not OK and they shouldn't get away with it this time."
You're right though. I'm going to cancel the visit regardless. I just need to think of an excuse that doesn't cause WWIII

Why are you so worried about sounding like a complete bitch? Have they ever worried about how the way they treat you makes them look?

Stopping people from taking advantage of you does not make you a bitch. Protecting your own DC's interests does not make you a bitch.

Stealing from your daughter and your grandchildren, consistently expecting your daughter to put you first while yourself always putting her last, however, makes you pretty damn low IMO.

I think you need to take off the rose tinted glasses that you're looking at your parents through. Just because they think they're good, loving parents and grandparents doesn't mean that they are. I'll bet even Rosemary West thought she was a great mum.

You're an adult now. You get to decide if they are/were good parents or not. I suspect the only reason you're not yet quite willing to rip off the plaster and see what's really there is that you know it will hurt. It does hurt to see that your parents are very inadequate people who don't really love you, and people will go to great lengths to avoid facing up to that. You yourself have sacrificed thousands of pounds and a great deal of your own comfort in an attempt to stave off the truth: what else will you sacrifice?

You absolutely can kick up a fuss about all this, it's just that they've got you so well trained, you think you're the one being heartless and unreasonable, when all the time it's them. Emotionally abusive parents do this to us, all of them, in their different ways.

Your parents are perfectly capable of being cold, ruthless predators when it suits them. Acknowledging this as a fact will not be easy for you, but it could save you a world of pain in the long run.

The bottom line is that your parents will always put their own welfare and best interests ahead of yours/your DC's whenever there's a clash. It doesn't matter how nice they can be in other ways, if they consistently prioritise themselves above you, when the chips are down, that's a huge indicator that their "love" is a mirage.

I know this might sound harsh. I don't mean to sound like I'm being critical of you, not at all. You are clearly the good guy in this scenario. But I think that instead of focusing on this one visit, you really need to reassess your whole relationship with them, and give some serious thought as to how you want it to go on from here. As regards the visit itself, it's pretty obvious I'd say don't go, I think!

X-post. Good that you're cancelling. But still: why is it always their right to judge you, when you are the one that behaves so well, and never your right to judge them, when they behave so appallingly? You need to realise that you actually do have some power here.

Don't go, the list of things to sort out is enough.
How will they ever know that their behaviour is unacceptable if you never tell them?
Could you ever just say how you feel? it might be very liberating.

OP, I have a handicapped mother & she has now got to the point where I cannot care for her alone, so have had to put my foot down & say it's not possible for her to come even with her carer.
I know exactly how you can be made to feel guilt ridden.
They have managed to coerce you into doing what they want for so long is is hard to break the mould.
I agree the lending money & holiday are two separate issues, for the money, there is little hope of getting it back but it gives you a good reason not to lend them money ever again. so you could email asking them as they are getting a grant they should be able to repay you, if the money isn't forthcoming then you tell them that you had to ask OH for help with this loan for a fictitious motive & that it will be the last handout.
There will be some backlash. At which point you tell them that the next visit is not going to be possible as you are going to somewhere/visitors/ or just tell them that you want to spend time with your family. The truth is usually the most cathartic !
I am assuming you have no brothers or sisters ?

just saw you have a brother, do they do the same thing to him ?

Enough is enough. If they want to be treated as children, maybe you can give time a long time out -no contact or anything until they understand they need to grow up and stop using their children. I can understand help now and then... but not all the time unless their mental health is not so great.

"I am worried about upsetting them. I hate conflict and upset."

None of us relish it. Well, few of us do, any road. But sometimes it's the only reasonable reaction when other people treat us appallingly. As your parents have done over and over again.

As Talking in the Dark said: "Your parents are perfectly capable of being cold, ruthless predators when it suits them." as that appears to describe them quite succinctly.

I'm really quite angry with your parents on your behalf. How dare they abuse you so cynically?

I think you may need to just brace yourself for them exploding. It probably doesn't matter how much you try to sugar coat it, standing up to them is going to shock and horrify them, and they are likely to retaliate. Also, if you offer an excuse, you need to be prepared for them trying to find a way around it, then still getting angry anyway. In many ways, jsut saying no is the quickest and easiest response.

Personally, I would consider wording it in an email. Just say no. You would appreciate having the money back as it is yours, not theirs. Until you see them being more reasonable then you won't be visiting. They should not plan to visit you or contact you unless they are willing to act as reasonable, kind, supportive parents.

Be prepared to hang up and even block their email if necessary. There are people who go through periods of non-contact who then reinstate after some cooling off. Would that be so terrible?

Hi Sweary,

re your comment:-

"I am worried about upsetting them. I hate conflict and upset. My Dad had the most explosive temper when we were growing up and if my brother or I said anything they didn't like, it was horrible. Both DPs could do the silent treatment for days".

These people were and remain abusive as parents. Infact they are not worthy of that term; both of them utterly failed you and your sibling here in that role.

They have never given you any such consideration and have thought nothing about upsetting you. Such people are also incapable of feeling upset; rage oh yes but upset no, never. They have and want to continue to train you to serve their own needs and wants. You have really been conditioned by them to well and truly put yourself last.

And all of what Talkinginthedark wrote earlier.

Right, I'm going to send a text before the obligatory weekend FaceTime call and say that I'm not going to be available to talk in person tonight. I'll also tell them there that we won't be visiting this summer. Feel a bit sick.