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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Getting over relationship

31 replies

Charley50 · 13/03/2015 20:35

Hi I'm trying to get over being dumped yet again by my ex. I need to go no contact this time as this relationship has brought me to my knees. He's given me the silent treatment so many times and has really messed with my head.
Like many of the sad stories I read on here there will be no closure as he doesn't take any responsibility for anything.

OP posts:

Wotsitsareafterme · 13/03/2015 21:38

Op I think you have to make your own closure. Easy for me to say and harder to carry out as I have a huge emotional hangover from a previous relationship but I think that's the only way

Original poster

Charley50 · 13/03/2015 23:13

Thanks wotsit, what I really mean is why am I so sad when he has been such a dick and why do I feel so bad/ guilty? He kept getting back with me but deep down I knew it was just a matter of time before he'd find another reason to punish me. I cry every day and feel so lonely as I don't want to tell my friends how bad I am feeling.

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elliebellys · 13/03/2015 23:27

I feel your pain ,i was exactly the same.nc is the only way.it still hurts like hell tho.

JuiceInAWineGlass14 · 14/03/2015 08:15

I am going through this too at the moment. My head says for the sake of my children I need to show them that a person should not be treated this way. My heart says beg him to come home.
Do you work, and if so do you have an employee assistance line? I have been using mine when I feel low and it's really helping to talk to someone that I don't know.
Try taking one day at a time. I feel less shit today than I did yesterday but I realise that things will happen to knock me back down again.
Keep strong!

Walkacrossthesand · 14/03/2015 08:41

Hi Charley. Crying every day is normal when a significant relationship ends, even if you were the one that ended it. When you say 'he kept coming back', was that because he asked, or you did? If he did, doubtless he will ask this time, and what words/approach will you plan to say 'no' even if it catches you on a low day? Your brain knows he's a dick and not worthy to be your partner - work on convincing your heart of this, so you can be free of him. Tell your friends a bit - then you'll be able to call on them for support if you're weakening!

Original poster

Charley50 · 14/03/2015 09:25

Hi Juice, I think my work does have phone counseling maybe I will try that. Walk, it has been me asking to get back together, well live together again, we hadn't fully split up but he went back to his mums (uninvited by her!), so we were just seeing each other occasionally. Then he stayed for a few weeks, started buying stuff for my home, and stupidly I thought we were gonna work everything out. Next thing suddenly he says he feels trapped and needs to go again. I freaked out at him actually, tired of him messing with my head, said if he doesn't want to be a supportive partner he can fuck off (he's 48 wtf!). Then stupidly a week later we both wanted to get together again. Then another two weeks later he ended it by text, saying he's tired of my sadness and anger. The irony being it's his hot and cold silent treatment and refusal to discuss anything that has got me like this.
Sorry for long post. His actions have made me feel like a nothing. So now it's NC for me but I'm constantly hoping he will take some responsibility for his part in this. I know he won't though so I just need to keep busy.

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Original poster

Charley50 · 14/03/2015 09:36

We were together for 8 years. I feel like I've thrown those years away on someone who has never really been on my side. Not once did he say to his ex in all this time that he would like me to meet his DD (she lives 4 hours away, he visited her. I met her on two occasions but he didn't tell his ex this would be happening). This was a bit of an issue between us and now I feel riddled with guilt that I shouldn't have expected him to mention me to his ex; but surely in a serious relationship you just would? I don't know.. I keep beating myself up about it. Maybe I was unreasonable? Anyway onwards and upwards I suppose.

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Original poster

Charley50 · 15/03/2015 17:18

He has some stuff he wants to pick up then I need to go no contact as I'm making a fool out of myself and setting myself up for further pain.
Maybe I will post here instead of contacting him.
I don't want my DS to see me sad anymore.

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Trudester · 15/03/2015 17:32

From reading your post, the main thing that stands out to me is that he has stripped you of your self-confidence, belief in yourself, and your ability to be strong enough to see through this. When relationships end, we go through a huge variation of different feelings. It may be guilt, as in your case, when you have no reason to feel guilty. Loneliness counts for a fair amount too, so you need to make sure you're occupied and not dwelling on things too much. You haven't wasted 8 years of your life, as I'm sure there have been times when you shared good experiences together. If I were you, I would start to see it for what it was - an 'experience'. Not necessarily one you want to repeat, but we all go through good, bad and indifferent experiences in our life. It's our lives are about. Don't beat yourself up about it. It's time for you to get on with your life away from him and concentrate on doing things that make you happy. Easier said than done at the beginning of a break-up but so worth it. Think long term and what place you want to be in your head this time next year. The year will whizz by (some tears will be shed), and you will find yourself having a different life where you're not feeling like you're with someone who's not on your side or looking out for you. You sound like you deserve a LOT better.

Original poster

Charley50 · 15/03/2015 17:53

I keep thinking if I hadn't said that or done that maybe we would still be together. But at the same time I know that if you love someone you aren't constantly looking for a chance to ditch them. Also he just wasn't there for me emotionally and didn't seem to want me to be there for him emotionally either.

Thanks for responses all wise and kind words.

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Original poster

Charley50 · 15/03/2015 18:00

And yes I have lost a lot of confidence over this. And the loneliness makes it worse. I'm a very sociable person but I've isolated myself a little from my friends over the last few months as I've been so sad and so embarrassed that I've let him yoyo between telling me he'll move back in and then ignoring me for a week or two weeks at a time. The loneliness has led to a mumsnet addiction .
But now I'm going NC I'll start to speak to friends about it more.

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LineRunner · 15/03/2015 18:07

Trudester has posted a lot of good words to you.

Staceymarie1988 · 15/03/2015 18:09

I'm in a similar situation my partner left me on Sunday as i found out he was being unfaithful behind my back i confronted him and then he left me and said he wants to be on his own as he doesn't feel like he can do what he wants it has been 8yrs being together he proposed last June on our first family holiday cheated on me a number of times but forgave him accepted his proposal i was happy and now this i have to now find financial home and apply for working tax credits to move out with my son to start a new life it gets easier but i would speak to him and confront you could save your marriage if he opens up to you i wish you all the best xxx

Original poster

Charley50 · 15/03/2015 18:20

Sorry about your situation Stacey, that's awful. :-(
I would love for my DP to open up to me and talk, that's what I dream about, but he won't. He doesn't find it easy to talk but I also think he just doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I've tried to get him to communicate serious stuff by text email, but he won't. I've noticed lately that he always sees the worst in me. I'm not a bad person, but he will notice the one thing I do wrong and run with that. He said he was on my side, but he wasn't.

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Staceymarie1988 · 15/03/2015 18:26

You need your family and friends around you and decide whether you want to live like this he needs an ultimatum. ..x

Original poster

Charley50 · 15/03/2015 18:45

No I can't live like this anymore. If he said he was totally committed to me and his actions backed that up then yeah... But experience has shown that ain't gonna happen. I have to start basing my dreams on reality.

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Staceymarie1988 · 15/03/2015 18:45

Missed abit out sorry i can't think straight today head is all over the place.... i meant to put if he comes back to you give him an ultimatum add i know how easy it is to get sucked back in when they try and get you back but don't fall for it.... Look forward to being independent and meeting your future live of your life that's what i keep thinking lol i have to think ahead like this its emotionally draining and i know how you are feeling men can be so cruel. ....x

Original poster

Charley50 · 15/03/2015 19:17

Thanks Stacey you're right I have to look ahead now and not dwell on the past. Start thinking of him as part of my past.
trudestar I'm trying not to feel I've wasted these years and we have had good times, but there are certain things that I don't want to think about that make me feel it hasn't been real. Well one was the bizarreness of only meeting his DD twice in all that time. Such a big part of his life that I was totally not involved in. He was a big part of my DS's life and now it seems like he is just going to fuck off and not bother contacting him, even though DS has his own phone so I don't need to be involved. Maybe he will though. Time will tell I suppose.

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Trudester · 15/03/2015 21:45

You're thinking of all the negatives, which is natural in your current state of mind. There are so many positives that you will discover as time goes on. Stick to your guns girl, don't let this window of opportunity go. This is your time to get your life back on track, for good. Don't worry too much if he doesn't contact your DS, as frustrating as it may be. That just proves a reason why it is right to be without him. You will also see that reason when someone new comes into your life as you won't have an ex lurking around making life very awkward (and don't worry, that person will come along). I think moving forward, you're in a win-win situation. Life is too short to worry over someone who didn't respect you enough to make you a priority or even for him to feel bad if he knew he made you unhappy in any way. Get back in contact with your friends, a lot of women go through this and you never know, they may have some similar stories of their own to tell.

Original poster

Charley50 · 15/03/2015 21:59

Thanks Trudestar I think writing it down is helping me to stop it whirring around in my head. You are right, why should I care about someone who doesn't care about me. A friend called tonight. I told her what has happened and she's coming over later in the week. I have kept seeing friends a bit but have been reluctant to talk to them about this as they have been very frustrated to see me so sad yet go back to him time and time again. Actually I have been actively avoiding certain friends and I won't any more. Thanks again I'm feeling a bit more positive about it all now.

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Trudester · 15/03/2015 22:23

Good to hear you're feeling more positive, and that you've contacted and spoken with a friend. It's a step forward in the right direction. It's never easy to lose a loved one, but you'll know when you've overcome that hurdle. You have to stop thinking about the good times for now, you can always look back on that at a later date. The main focus has to be on you moving forward and being happy now. I'm logging off now to go to sleep, but my few last words before I go are to go to Boots and buy a new lipstick this week. One in a different colour that you wouldn't normally wear. Wear it for a week or so. Believe me, it helps :-)

CatrinaWaves · 15/03/2015 22:24

I did 8 years with my XP too. I stopped contacting him several times because I knew his heart wasn't in the relationship and then got in contact with him again and again. Then he dumped me and is with someone else now.

I was very hurt but he wasn't right for me; he didn't bring me any joy. There was never any closure but I've got on with my life and a year later I have so much more confidence; I've joined things; made new friends; and I feel good about my life and myself and so glad he's no longer part of it.

Original poster

Charley50 · 17/03/2015 09:36

Thanks I actually felt better yesterday. Had a cry in the morning then managed to not think about him much and when I did I felt a little more detached from it. If I can keep to NC I will be ok. Need to make plans for the weekend now to keep busy.

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Trudester · 17/03/2015 11:56

Good girl, stay strong - you won't regret it. :-)

Binklesback · 17/03/2015 23:28

I know how you feel,,I got dumped last year by my ex after four years (two very good, two completely dysfunctional) we were fundamentally mismatched but it was still a shock that he finished it. I woke up crying every single morning for two months straight. I think you grieve for tge investment that you've put in rather than the relationship you really had. There is no big pay off, this I've learnt, you either complement each other as people or you don't and if you don't there will be eternal friction. Anyway I was devastated. Then last October I met my now partner online. He's literally all I ever wanted in life and if you'd told me this time last year I would be with someone else and so happy then of course I woukdnt have believed it. Being dumped was the best thing my ex ever did for me. Onwards and upwards, you will be ok, just take your feelings on the chin, work through them and don't fight them, then you'll be emotionally healthy to accept the right one when he comes along (and he is coming )

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