Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Need ways of supporting my DH in this difficult family situation please!

23 replies

throneofgames · 13/03/2015 15:21

Hi everyone,
To cut a long story short, we fell out with the 'in-laws' roughly 2 and half years ago for the following reasons:

a sister who was openly jealous and bitchy about her other sister in laws.
the family stance on maintaining a close relationship with my DH's ex GF, including holidaying with her etc.
refusing to acknowledge that although we might not agree with each others viewpoints about the above, that family should come first and you should try to minimise doing hurtful things to family members if at all possible - their view was 'oh if it bothers you both, we'll have an even closer relationship with her because you need to get over it' etc etc.

Anyway, we have had no contact for the last 2 and a half years and are now imminently expecting our first child. Yesterday my DH received a very curt email from his sister saying 'Nanna passed away this morning'. Nothing else other than that. I don't know what to advise him to do. If he gets back in touch, they will make him feel guilty for going NC and make it about him deserting Nanna. If he doesn't get in touch, he looks like an uncaring arse. Should he ask about the funeral arrangements? He is understandably worried about how it would look if he doesn't go, but equally knows his presence would be unwelcome/bitched about whether he goes or not. So awkward!! Please help!

OP posts:

Original poster

throneofgames · 13/03/2015 15:24

Oh and I forgot to mention (just so I'm not drip feeding), I would go with him to the funeral, but he is reluctant to let me as I am heavily pregnant and his family filled me with anxiety. I'd still go to support him though. I also wonder whether his ex GF would be there and they split because she was pushing him for children and he didn't want to because the relationship wasn't right. I wonder if this might make the atmosphere even worse. I know she clings to his family like they were her own. I don't want the funeral to be any more upsetting for anyone than it will already be.

OP posts:

Quitelikely · 13/03/2015 15:24

I think it's fine to ask for the funeral arrangements and then he can decide from there.

One thing: was this fall out do bad that he is never going to attend anyone from his families funeral

Quitelikely · 13/03/2015 15:28

Also if he wants to go, you can easily slip in and sit neat the back and leave immediately afterwards.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/03/2015 15:29

His parents and sister have not fundamentally altered since that time 2.5 years ago. You went NC for very good reason. People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles; your DHs role here seems to be one of scapegoat for all their inherent ills.

I would not acknowledge that e-mail sent at all to him. Its a piece of information, there is nothing in it to suggest now making contact with her. It will re-open the can of worms if contact is re-established and undo any progress the two of you have made since no contact started.

I would also keep your child well away from his family as well once he/she is born. Your job amongst many here is to protect your child from such toxic family influences.

If your DH has not already read Toxic Parents written by Susan Forward then this would be a good time to do so.

Original poster

throneofgames · 13/03/2015 15:30

That's a really good point and one that I might get him to think about. He experienced his father's death at a very young age and has a quite a pragmatic approach to funerals i.e. there are better ways to remember people. But it just feels like we are at a complete impasse with the family row situation. They don't communicate and neither do we and we all seem happier with that. Hence the shortness of her email!

OP posts:

Molly333 · 13/03/2015 15:31

I've been in this very situation. If you want to live a free life you must stand by your convictions . You don't want to live this way and they will see the funeral as an avenue to pull you back to their way of living . I went to the funeral stayed at the back and then left, then they can't blame me but I didn't want to engage with them , they will all still be the same no doubt ,they hvnt accepted how you want to live or they would have contacted you .most most importantly how do you want your lovely baby to grow up? You are soon to be your own family where you make the rules , I did that and my children are happy and emotionally happy and from what I can hear of my family their madness continues , good luck be polite but don't engage x

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/03/2015 15:33

Did he like 'Nanna'? If he did and wants to pay his respects he should go to the funeral. He already knows what his family are like but, in a funeral setting, there is a certain obligation for everyone to be polite and on best behaviour. He may be bitched about after he leaves but they'd probably be reasonably polite in public.

Original poster

throneofgames · 13/03/2015 15:34

I agree Attila, we do need to keep our little one away. One of my main reasons for despising the MiL was when she felt the need to apologise to me for her 3 year old grandson's speech impediment - in front of the child! I felt devastated for him. Thing is, they are all about appearances and social climbing and don't see how damaging their behaviour can be. I really don't want my DH to be dragged back into this and hurt further,

OP posts:

Original poster

throneofgames · 13/03/2015 15:39

Thank you Molly. V useful to hear of your experience in this area. My only nagging doubt is that at the start of the fall out, I was incensed by their behaviour and put my foot down about wanting (personally) to be NC. I was wrong to be so vociferous and want DH to see that I am behind him in his decision. He did say last night that he didn't want to go but would reply to the email. He wasn't sure what to reply. Any thoughts? He wasn't sure whether to ask about the funeral or not as he didn't want to go.

OP posts:

Original poster

throneofgames · 13/03/2015 15:41

Cogito, sitting at the back could be an option. Just knowing him, he doesn't want to be seen as being 'sheepish' because as far as he is concerned, he has nothing to feel awkward about - even though he does feel awkward (if you see what I mean!). He just can't win and I feel sorry for him.

OP posts:

cupcakesandapples · 13/03/2015 15:42

I would encourage him to attend out of respect for his grandmother and i would also attend but sit away from the family so as not to cause any drama x

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/03/2015 15:44

I don't think I suggested he sit at the back. If he goes, he goes head held high. Sit at the front... I would. It won't be solely his odd family there but there will be neighbours, friends, etc., all saying how lovely it is to see him. If his friends are social climbers they will do anything to avoid creating a scene.

Original poster

throneofgames · 13/03/2015 15:45

Really stupid question, but how soon can funerals happen?

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/03/2015 15:47

Days, usually. My friend's father was cremated about a week after he died.

Original poster

throneofgames · 13/03/2015 15:48

Sorry Cogito, misread that. I never thought about that from the social climbing perspective. Good point!

OP posts:

Lottapianos · 13/03/2015 15:48

'He just can't win and I feel sorry for him.'

And he's not meant to win either, so dont' play the game. What does he want to do? If he's not bothered about going the the funeral, then don't feel obligated to go. If he would like to attend his nana's funeral, then I would definitely go, but follow the advice to sit near the back and maybe even slip out early. Avoid the toxic family members like the plague. Let them say what they like. As you well know, whatever he does will be commented on either way, so dont' let them be a factor in deciding what you do. He should do what he feels is right.

Original poster

throneofgames · 13/03/2015 15:49

Ah as soon as that. Right, DH and I had better get our thinking caps on.

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 13/03/2015 15:50

"I was incensed by their behaviour and put my foot down about wanting (personally) to be NC."

You are entitled to change your mind

If your DH wants to go, then you should both go. If he doesn't want to, then you shouldn't. I would remember that funerals are for the living to say goodbye, the dead are beyond our cares. If he was close to his Grandma and feels the need to do something, you could have your own little memorial at home, plant a tree for her or dedicate a park bench, or anything.

I would reply to the email "Thank you for letting me know." and if you decide to go "Could you please let me know the funeral arrangements?" Just keep it very brief and factual and no emotion.

Original poster

throneofgames · 13/03/2015 15:51

Thanks to everyone for all the wonderful advice. I just want to make sure I'm as supportive as possible as I cocked it up when we originally went NC.

OP posts:

Original poster

throneofgames · 13/03/2015 15:52

Thank you pocketsaviour for the wise words - factual and to the point is definitely the tac we need to take.

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 13/03/2015 15:53

also just to add, this thing of the family of origin staying friendly with previous partners (who have often been abusive) - I can't get my head round it, but it does seem to be very common with toxic families. If you read through the Stately Homes threads you'll notice this happening quite often.

I'm not sure of the psychology of this but it seems designed to keep the abused adult child down in their family position of scapegoat and whipping boy/girl.

Lottapianos · 13/03/2015 15:56

Agree pocketsaviour - my family didn't stay in touch with my (violent, controlling) ex, but my mother did spend some time telling me how sorry she felt for him and trying to explain why he might have behaved the way he did. Its like you, as their scapegoat child, are at the very bottom of their list of priorities in every single situation. Weird and very hurtful

Original poster

throneofgames · 13/03/2015 16:03

Yes definitely weird and hurtful. They are not actually his biological family but are adoptive and their theory was that they had known her half as long as they had known him so that's why they'd keep in close contact, but couldn't be arsed to do it with him. I almost think that they don't like to see him doing well and because she has done less well for herself, they prefer her so they can feel superior.

OP posts:

Flip