Family member has non molestation order against them, can we send a b'day pressie for their dc's still?

[coxiegirl]

Hi mumsnetters, the title says it all really. Just wondering if anyone has any experience of this please?
Family member's mother says family member may not send anything and the rest of us can only send unsealed cards to family member's solicitor to be censored and then passed to the other parent's solicitor then on to their dc's if deemed appropriate.
(Family member's mother can be a bit of an "unreliable witness".)
I'm reluctant to check this out with the family member themselves since they are unable to have any contact, so it would feel a bit like I'm rubbing their nose in it.
I'm very tempted to send pressie and card (unsealed) in a parcel box addressed to the mum with a little note to say "Hi, hope this is ok".
Family member did ask us all to have no contact with the other partner when it all kicked off in case it looked like they were trying to get at the ex via us. So really I shouldn't do anything, but it seems a bit cr@ppy to ignore birthdays, we've always sent every b'day and xmas. Writing this "out loud" I feel like I should just leave it really but would hate dc's to think we don't care.
Very grateful for any experience with this, thank you.

Why not contact the family member's solicitor direct? Much better than going through the mother. It doesn't need to involve the ex, the cards and presents are for the kids (unless I've misunderstood the OP sorry).

I think the non-molestation order would only apply to the individual who is deemed to present a risk. The idea of a solicitor censoring parcels from other people sounds daft. That said, I think you should be sensitive as the parent of the children concerned may find contact from former ILs intrusive. So I would hedge my bets and send a card with money or something like that. A cheery 'happy birthday' message to the child and maybe an accompanying supportive note to the parent.

I'm sorry but I can't understand the OP or what relation you are to the children in question.

I think the OP is the cousin of a man or woman who has a non-molestation order against them. The OP wants to send a present to this person's children (the ones they are not allowed to see) but is being told by her aunt some story about birthday cards from anyone in the family having to go through a solicitor.

Sounds daft

Is it daft though? Say OP thought the whole non-molestation order was over nothing serious (not saying you do but just for example). The card could contain all manner of sob story or misinformation. Maybe the mom just doesn't want to have to deal with that, therefore all post vetted through solicitor.

ye if you contact hte solicitor direct to find out just what you can and can't do, should be fine

It is far from easy to obtain a non molestation order it requires evidence and you have to go to court to get it. I would send to the solicitor.

If he's asked you not to send things then I would leave it. If the mother was keen to continue a family relationship with you she would have been in contact.

Yes CogitoErgoSometimes that's very close re the situation. I do agree, it might seem insensitive and be unwanted /intrusive for the ex. I've no way of knowing how she is as we've not had any contact since the split. Would love to be able to offer support but it's not possible and I guess (obviously) not appropriate either.
I've no axe to grind with them at all, just hope they are all ok and don't want to upset little ones by ignoring/forgetting their birthdays.
I agree a cheery Happy Bday! surely is pretty harmless?
Moreisnnogedag yes I can see how in some cases you may well not want any contact from an ex's family.

MeerkaRIPSirTerry and Timmytime I have no idea how to contact her solicitor as we have no reason to know this. Mm thinking maybe you're right LittleBairn. Wonder if I'm kidding myself a bit here.
Thanks guys, maybe it'd be better to just put the pressie on one side until it's all been sorted out a bit more.
Thanks

Think I will do a bit of asking around if anyone in the more immediate family has found out anything else, if not then I'd better leave it, just in case.

A cheery card with a tenner in it can do no harm.

I think it is obviously well meant but depending on what the reasoning is behind it. Be aware it might be upsetting for the child's mother . I've been in a similar situation and contact was stressful as its hard to believe when you are in that situation actions arent in support of the ex however well meant. I didn't realise you don't know who the solicitor is.
Non molestation orders are linked to harassment generally or a threat to safety. Just tread carefully.
Shame there isn't someone impartial you could give it too?

Non-molestation orders usually say that the person they are against must not do certain things (eg communicate with their ex) or get anyone else to do them.

so if your family member asked you to write to their ex on their behalf, that would be a breach of the order.

But the order can't and doesn't stop you doing anything, because it isn't against you.

(in fact your family member went the other way and asked you not to have contact, in case it looked like they were trying to get at the ex through you. So he/she is taking the non-molestation order seriously and trying to do the right thing).

If you have always sent card & gift to those DC, I would carry on, but as you say, send it to their mum so she can decide what she wants to do. In the longer term, she may or may not decide she wants to stay in touch with you, but at least it won't be for want of trying.

I think you should follow the instructions you've been given re contact through solicitor only. The children's mother won't have been given a non-mol without proper evidence of fairly serious stuff so I suspect your family member has been pretty horrible. You say the mother is an unreliable witness. That is possible but it is also possible that your family member has succeeded in painting her in that light with the support of your entire family. Whichever of these it is, I think you should comply for now. Things may settle down later but they are less likely to if you force contact which is at best unwelcome and at worst threatening and damaging to her health and well being.

I'm really torn. Initially it was just as you said traviata, family member was very worried that no one should contact in case it might seem to have come from him and be a nuisance. At the time it looked as though the situation would hopefully be clearer by birthday time, but everything has dragged on.

The family member's mum spoke to another aunty of mine who happened to mention it to me (as a moan). I had been just going to send prez and card as usual with the usual message etc and really wish that I hadn't heard anything to the contrary. Had just assumed it would be ok and keep the message cheery and simple, no comments about anything else just happy day etc.

But as I have heard from moany aunty, and as you are patiently pointing out to me (thank you) I think I'd better be more cautious - how rubbish would it be of me to make everything worse for anyone, that would be amazingly selfish.

I hate the idea of not sending, our kids have always been really close and I considered their mum my best family friend really, the person I was closest too. I hate the thought of their dc's not getting their pressies and feeling that we don't care about them when the truth is quite quite the opposite.

Think I am rather selfishly muddling up my feelings with what's the sensible and right thing to do.

I will woman up and ask the family member if we're allowed to send, and depending on how this goes will try to get the dc's mum's solicitor's details and send to there if it seems best.

Saying a little prayer that even if we can't send anything, we can save it and give it to them one day.

Thanks for helping people, very much appreciated.

I did much as Mary outlines when my aunt and uncle split up very acrimoniously. I had 3 young cousins, I am of an age to be their aunty, and had a lot of contact with them when their parents were together.

My aunt wrote back that she was divorcing my pratt of an uncle not his whole family, so I carried on as usual. She did ask another uncle not to have much contact, but that was because there was some undue pressure being exerted. Thankfully that ceased and her kids are a big part of our whole family still - despite my uncle not having proper contact at all.

The ball must be firmly in the mum's court. Good luck.

Thanks Maryz and Nomama, I'll do that as soon as all their court hearings etc are out of the way. Good to hear that sometimes it's possible to keep these relationships going.