So close, do I put my foot down?

[Balders74]

So after 2.5 months of STBXH living with us, him sleeping in our bed & me sharing with DD, he is finally due to move this weekend.

He is not telling me anything because when I ask I get told that 'it's none of my business', HA! I have tried pointing out it is very much my business as he is living Scott free in my our house and it affects the DC etc.

So all I know is what he has told DC, he is picking up the keys to the house tomorrow. DD asked him last night if tonight would be his last night here & his response was that he had some stuff to do tomorrow so may wait until Sunday/Monday to move. This has really pissed me off.

I was so looking forward to sleeping in my own room again on Saturday night & having a proper lie in on Mothers Day but based on that he will still be here.

Half of me wants to tell him to fuck off to sleep at his house on Saturday night & come back for his stuff on Sunday when we are out. But the other half of me is thinking we are so close to being shot of him, just let him get on with it & accept that I am not going to get my Mothers Day lie in.

He reacts badly to being pushed into things & I am weighing up whether it is worth the aggro. I suspect he told her that to wind me up because he knew she would tell me.

Advice please, put my foot down or bide my time?

Bide your time. Be inwardly smug because you know the end is in sight. Any reaction from you will 'reward' his manipulation. It will annoy him far more if you just act detached (even though you aren't). There will be plenty more mother's days. Go out with your daughter, do something you will both enjoy together.

Bide your time and ignore him. Go out and have a super day with your DD. It won't be long til he's gone and your ambivalence will annoy him far more than having a confrontation.

Thank you. He is doing this to annoy me because I told him last week to get out by this weekend or I would change the locks. Unfortunately this isn't possible because his name is on the deeds for the house but it made me feel better.

Last night he stayed out but didn't tell anyone so by 10pm when he hadn't come back DD phoned him & he said he was staying out & had forgotten to tell her. He knows if he stays out I will sleep in my room so that is why he didn't say anything and it's none of my business!!.

I know he is also going to move out in dribs & drabs & keep coming back to pick things up. He is only taking his clothes & his damn parrot, which can be done in a day!!

I am going to see my solicitor next week to start the divorce & will ask for her to write to him saying that if he wants to access the house he must let me know first of I just won't be able to relax think he could waltz in whenever he fancies.

Once he has moved out I think there is a point where you can change the locks as he is no longer resident. Your solicitor should be able to advise.

If that won't fly, do you think you can "accidentally" lose the house keys and have to have to locks changed, and then let him take you to court to try to force you to give him a second set? (At which point he might decide it's too much hassle if he now has his own place)

How old is your dd?

Do you have a garage? I'd be tempted to put his stuff in boxes and dump them in a corner/garage.

Then when he comes round wanting to pick something up you can point him to the boxes and say 'its in there - take the lot'

He sounds a right nob! Good for you gettibg rid!!!

Be careful he then doesn't accuse you of breaking his things if you touch them.....

I vote with everyone else. Soooo close, but a little longer seems to be key. Roll on bloody Monday! Is all I can say x

Thank you for your comments everyone. He has said if I change the locks he will smash his way in. I asked on the legal board about whether I could when he no longer resides here & was told I couldn't all the time his name is on the deeds [frown]. I find that so annoying because he has paid next to nothing towards the house in the 11 years we've been here!!

I will bide my time but plan to move back into my room on Sunday night. If I did do it while he was still here he would just get into bed with me because he knows I would hate it.

I got the Lundy Bancroft book today & so far he shows traits of 4 of the types in the book! Well rid, just wish I'd done it 5 years ago!! Hey ho.

Indifference is the key here, not moving out till Sunday - who cares? Maybe staying until Monday - who gives a toss? Once he realises that you really don't give a damn he will stop trying to wind you up.

Sorry Build I just noticed you asked how old DD is, she is 14 & DS is 9. Both been treated like shit but DD God the brunt of it. He is a control freak & made up stupid rules he couldn't justify & then went off on one when I didn't go along with them. One great example was he said DD could only have 2 sleepovers a month, one out of the house & one having a friend at home but had no good reason why. And then if someone did stay they weren't allowed their phones upstairs!!

If I allowed her to have a sleepover that was over the allowed quota I was treated with disapproval & silent treatment. In the end if she asked me if she could stay out I would tell her to ask her Father. And then I thought fuck this, you're a fuckwit!!!

Poor dd. it sound like she has taken a lot of crap

Balders my solicitor told me that I couldn't change the locks until XH's name was off the deeds. Boy, did it feel good when I finally replaced them.

In the meantime, can you put a chain or a bolt on the inside of the door? You'd have to let him in, but at least he couldn't waltz in unannounced. I remember one weekend when I'd sent XH an especially forthright email and I kept keys in the locks for a few days in case he tried to get in.

Lol North it's funny you should say that because I experimented today with putting a key in the lock inside & then trying to open the door from the outside & unfortunately I could still get in. The awful thing was that for some unknown reason the key on the inside would not come out!! And it just happened to be STBXH second set. My friend & I tried for ages & it would only come out when the door was deadlocked!! I have no idea how but we did eventually get it out.

It is a UPVC door so it is difficult to get a bolt or anything put on.

I am going to see my solicitor next week & start the divorce so I can get him off the deeds. There is no equity in the house, the deposit for the house came from my previous house sale & he has paid very little towards it in 11 years so I think I am justified in requesting that he agrees to come off the deeds/mortgage. In the meantime I'm going to ask the solicitor to send a letter saying he must give me prior warning when he wants to come round, we'll see how that goes down!!!

Does your front door lead directly into the house? Ours does but at my parents the front door opens into the porch then there's another door before you get to the actual house. If you have a second door you could put a bolt on that.

Sadly no second door Nerdy

Try a plastic door wedge on the inside. (pinched from another thread)

Then ignore the bangng till it suits you to open the door, pocket the wedge before you open it to him & deny there being anything there.

"oh I didn't notice anything wrong with it earlier?"

Keep Calm you're doing fab, and as said by PP shrugging off his twatish behaviour (even if you're seething inside) will rile him even more.