DCS feeling pushed out by ex-h latest relationship.

[NewNameForMarch]

Ex-h and I have been divorced for 4 years and have two DCS 12 & 10. They see him 2 days a week from school to 9pm and on alternative Fridays and Saturdays each week from school/4pm until 4pm the following day.

However every time ex-h gets a new girlfriend (every 4-6 months on average) he has her at his house (and any DCS she may have) pretty much straight away so during these 4 years there's been quite a few new girlfriends that the DCS have had in their life for a brief time.

They're not happy with this as fed up of someone new being there but also Ex-h tends to put the girlfriend first and not bother with them so much when both they're there and his girlfriend.

It seems to have come to a head now and they are refusing to go up to his house when she's there. This doesn't seem to bother ex-h but the 10 year old is getting very upset that ex-h is making any effort to sort this out, and the 12 year old is saying he hates his dad. I've tried talking to the ex and telling him how upset DC is about this but it doesn't make a difference.

I know there isn't anything I can do but I can't understand why he's ruining his relationship with his DCS. Does anyone have any wise words on how to help DCS with this as I hate to see them upset.

Tbh, I felt the same with my dad and I was an adult!

I don't think it's easy, no mater how sensitive the parent is but your ex-h sounds like he's not doing the best for them.

All you can do is provide stability and emotional support so they can at least feel secure in their relationship with you. It's not easy watching your kids hurting at the best of times, let alone when you think it's preventable.

Tell them

'What your father is doing is very selfish and I can see how upset you are but we cannot control other peoples bad behaviour but we can control how we behave and respond to it'

This is what I always say to my dc in situations where people are being nasty or whatever. It's basically true.

Your hands are tied. You can tell your dh the dc are upset but are otherwise powerless.

Theyre probably feeling incredibly insecure about their father, thinking if he gets rid of relationships and other children so easily, then they could be next, especially since his attitude to them actually makes it worse rather than reassures them over this.
No wonder theyre angry

" I can't understand why he's ruining his relationship with his DCS. "

He's a thoughtless, selfish man. He wouldn't see it as setting out to ruin anything, I'm sure. He's having a great time with the various girlfriends and that's all that really matters. The effect on the children is incidental & unimportant - hence why he doesn't respond when you tell him his behaviour is upsetting them. Selfish people don't think about how what they do impacts on others.

I think you have to be honest with your DCs. Don't put words in your ex's mouth like 'Dad loves you really' or 'he doesn't mean to be this way'. Tell them that he's a selfish man, it's not nice but he won't be changing. Maybe you can think of other examples of selfish behaviour that they have come across? In the meantime, offer them security and stability and try to resist overcompensating.

Thanks everyone. Luckily they know that they're totally loved by me and that'll they'll always come first so I'm hoping that'll help towards them feeling secure. I must say I have been making excuses for him, ie, saying he does love them, but I'll stop that now and go with your suggestions.

I don't know why I surprised TBH as he's always been selfish.