Please bear with me I'm a newbie!
Need a a little bit of advice. I have been with my husband for 14 years and married for 5 with three kids(7,5 and 1m). He is a wonderful and generous man,who would do anything for his family and friends. However our relationship has reached an impasse. He is 15 years older than me.
I am a go getta kind of person. I am very ambitious. I have worked very hard to be where I am today despite my feel good and slightly tragic life... My husband is the opposite of me. He doesn't have a job. He occasionally does odd jobs here and there, nothing that could help us build a future on. I am the bread winner. I have, for the past ten years studied for at least two degrees and worked at the same time. He has none. To be fair, he has helped with looking after the kids while I was studying and working.
I have felt unhappy for a a good number of years. I have suppressed my thoughts because of our kids. Lately the situation has become unmanageable. Early last year, I found out he had a child he never told me about. He had him before we met( he cheated on the woman he was married to before me, I suspect that may be one of the reasons he never told me). He and his family knew all along and I was the only one unaware of the existence of the said child.
He has previously cheated on me, most recently twice,soon after I had given birth to our kids. I never dealt with his cheating, although I did consider leaving him at the time, my life was on the fast lane. I had no time to process my thoughts. I was studying, working and had young kids. I focused on what was working for me at the time.
He has been physically abusive to me in the past. Sometimes I do fear what might happen if I left. Things are better now, with regards to physical violence. I have told him about my feelings of disappointment. He is not lazy at all but I don't know what his problem is. He doesn't look for a job and I am tired of asking him to get one. He does plan and promise to do things for us. How the hell is he going to keep these promises without a job?
I have been thinking about divorce for a while. I believe I have reached a point of no return. There are so many issues in our marriage, some things can't be put into words. Some are just basic things: he doesn't help the kids with their homework, we have different parenting styles and he's always complaining about everyone in his family etc. I am consciously aware that I was fairly young when we met. I wonder if we have grown apart or if it's just me who is selfish? I resent him, everything he does irritates me and I cringe everytime he touches me. He can be insensitive at times: forcing me to kiss him or something like that. I told him things weren't working out and he said he would throw himself in a river if I left him. Sometimes I feel it's not fair on him because he does love me but I am not happy at all. I feel he deserves better than me because he is generally a loving and well meaning man. I have anxiety and I have trouble sleeping at times. Mostly worried about the kids.
My youngest child is just a few weeks old and I am already thinking about going back to work. It's a need to be at work kind of situation, for financial reasons. I have also been considering opening my own business,hoping I will have a little bit of flexibility with my time to be able to spend time with my kids. Ideally, I would love to stay home for at least a year to be with my little one. To be honest, I also feel physically and emotionally tired. I could use with a break from my busy schedule. I never had a chance to be a proper Mummy with my other kids, I sent them to nursery when they were very young.
It is incumbent for me to give my children the best possible start in life. That's the most pre- eminent thing in my life. Their wellbeing and happiness takes precedence of all else but I'm terrified of messing their lives if I divorce their Father???
Any advice will be appreciated. I'm a little perturbed. I don't know what to do.