I don't think I can do this

[turquoiseamethyst]

I can't help but doubt myself.

I just don't want to be here. I've got two children and one on the way. I can't do a thing with my 8 year old at the moment and my daughter (1 next month) wails incessantly. It drives me crazy.

I can't do a thing because I've always got the children. I'm not even particularly good at motherhood. I can't work or even go anywhere, do my own thing.

Every day I'm relieved it's over only to have to start the whole façade again the next day.

I am so very unhappy and I've no way out.

You should speak to your health visitor. I had to leave my husband when baby was 8 months and she got me a free crèche space. It's only 2 hours once a week but it still helps.

I still think you need to talk to your GP. Your numbness, lack of connecting with people... all sound like symptoms of depression.

Maybe, I'm not sure though. I think I'm just finding it all really rough right now.

What's the harm in just trying?

At the moment, I think there could be harm in taking on more. turquoise is already at low ebb, dealing with a school-refusing child, a screaming toddler, an uncomfortable pregnancy and the break up of her abusive marriage.
That's plenty to be going on with!
College isn't a happy easy ride - it makes demands on people. It's not just learning new stuff, it's proving that you've learnt it by doing assignments, ones with deadlines. MORE demands, in other words.

College needs to wait until the rest of the OP's life has more stability and order and she can take on more demands - and can take pride in what she can achieve through it, rather than counting it as one more failure if she can't meet academic deadlines.

And now I think I've misread your "trying" post, vivacia, so I apologise, if you meant "trying to talk to the GP".

I completely empathize your feelings OP, though I can't even imagine how hard your situation must be.

I can understand being scared asking for help, but you deserve to have it.

Do you have any family nearby? If not, would it be possible to relocate nearer to them? It can help to have a support system.

You do deserve help, you've been through so much. Please see your GP or talk to your midwife.

Just a small thing, but have you looked ay getting a Homestart volunteer? The support can be brilliant: life changing for some people.

I think the reason someone suggested that you name change is that other posters will know about your situation with your 8 year old.