Awkward mother/daughter relationship due to illness

[bananamilkshake1]

Hi everyone - sorry this is going to be long...

So first, in January, I was diagnosed with cancer. I have a plan (major surgery through choice) which should give me the best possible chance of beating this & being able to move on with my life. To be cancer free is priority, changes to my lifestyle as a result of the surgery are secondary. I'm feeling pretty strong, have an amazing partner and am confident I will get through this. My outlook is positive (although I have my moments) and I'm finding this positivity is really helping me to stay focussed.

When I first told my mum of my diagnosis, she said she would come straight down to visit (she lives about 90 miles away). I told her I wasn't ready for that yet, I needed time to let things sink in & would let family know when I was up to visits (emotionally rather than physically). It's worth saying mum is in her 70's, her hubby is 80's - neither are 100% healthy themselves.

Mum was a bit funny with me, said she felt "rejected". Said she'd been there for me through my divorce etc & why didn't I want her there? I said I had to put myself first & I wanted to deal with this in my way. There were tears on both sides. Cue then the texts from mum mum about her & my brother "supporting each other through their darkest hours" and emotive facebook messages. FGS, I'm not terminal & I felt pretty pissed off about the whole thing.

My bro has been amazing btw. He is struggling I know, but he also respects how I want to deal with this.

I have since "unfollowed" mum on fbook as I don't want to see any of the emotive postings - I didn't want anything on facebook either as it's a very private thing for me. Mum has said I can't tell her how she should feel, which I totally accept, I just don't want the massive drama when I'm just trying to quietly get through this challenging time.

Anyway, last month, family have been down to see me (at my request - although tbh was dreading it a bit as imagined watery eyes and pitying looks). I absolutely didn't want to spend a day discussing cancer so we actually managed to have a pleasant few hours with only occasional reference to it. Mum later said I was right to wait to see them - I think given I look so well, it put their minds at rest a bit.

Anyway, since then, things have been pretty strained between mum & I. I'm avoiding calling her & have given her email updates only. I know she wants to come down & look after me post my surgery and although I would rather have my friend (who's a nurse), I feel almost obliged to say yes to mum just to keep the peace...

The whole thing feels more stressful in a way than the cancer. Can anyone help me with a strategy to manage my mum?

Thanks so much, Banana

strategy to manage your mum? More or less as you are, banana.

This time is a time for you to do what you need and fielding your mother's need to care for you and be dramatic and emotional is not part of the job description of having cancer. It's a shame that it's when the hard things in life come, that that's when you usually have to start taking on other battles too like this one. But if it needs saying, yes, you are quite reasonable to want to deal wtih this quietly and without fuss and emotion and drama.

From what you say, you're doing the right thing. Keep calm with her, let her know where she can help and stay strong on where she can't. Get your nurse friend there instead of your mum (can you say that she's medically trained, if you need a reason to support your saying no to your mum?).

If you can, it would be kind to see her a few times when you are feeling strong enough, or at least to reassure her that you love her, even while saying that this fight is one that is very private for you.

Is there anyone who can help you draw the lines? a sister / close friend / relative who can give your mum space to flap and panic and be emotional so that she isn't quite so emotional in your direction? This illness and your divorce is not a time when she should be saying 'she feels rejected' - it's not about her. (a rather nice article on circles of supportiveness here ) Someone who can drop into conversations with her that yes, it's normal for people to handle this in their own way - often very private - might help quite a bit.

Can you think up (or find on the net) a number of stock phrases to help deflect her or make it clear that you are alright? Also, minimize what's going on. Tell her some stuff so that she feels in the loop but I'd suggest keeping the darker possibilities quiet.

Best of luck with your treatment.

Great post meerka

Stay strong and well op

My mom died of breast cancer --but don't let it scare you, my mom knew something was wrong but it took her a VERY long time to have it checked out. we had to beg and beg her to go have it checked out... She was scared of bad news, but if she caught it early, she may have survived today.

Anyway, back to the topic, My grandma had to watch her died. it is very hard for a mom to watch her daughter like that no matter what her age is. My grandma was freaking controlling too, she would go with my mom to every single treatments , and would demanded that all of us to go to (I had a toddler at the time, so I didn't go as much until my son was a little older, around three, I didn't want to spend time chasing him at the clinic.

Anyway, I hope your mom realize it isn't about her, it is about you and how you feel because you are the one who is going through this.

basically, i was saying that my grandma went crazy after my mom was diagnosed. (and when mom died, the first thing that came out of her mouth was looking for blame and it was us, the kids)

I agree that you need to look after number one just now, and do whatever feels right for you. You seem to be managing your mum really well, and at the end of the day, none if us will ever understand your family dynamics the way that you do.
But.......I do have a lot of sympathy for your mum. My own mil has driven me to the point of distraction following hideously serious health issues, then loss of dh - it took my own mum gently asking me how I thought I would behave if this had happened to one of my own dcs before I realised how much mil was hurting, and how she just wanted to "mother" her own child.

I seem to have used the word "own" far too many times in previous post.

Meerka talks sense.

My mother behaved like this when I broke off my engagement 6 months before the wedding; she was upset that I didn't lean on her enough and complained that I seemed to speak to others more than her about it. She wanted to be the most important support and was miffed when I didn't follow her mental script.

I ignored it - didn't want or need the grief. Keep on as you are

So sorry you have had this diagnosis. I was given the same news a few years back. My mother went into total denial (e.g. citing the failure of being taken out to lunch as a "catastrophe" immediately after I broke the news of my diagnosis) and has remained there ever since, with not so much as one single query as to how I'm doing, so effectively the opposite of your situation.

Oddly though, to have had your situation would have done my head in. My dad and bro are both doctors (neither are oncologists or surgeons though) and suddenly they had chapter and verse on what I should do, questioning my decisions, challenging my treatment plan etc. That was very intrusive and potentially quite damaging, but luckily they heard the clarion call to back off loud and clear.

Stick to your guns, tell any ally in your family what you want her to know. Maybe give her something to do (although difficult if she lives a distance from you) that no-one else can? Not sure what though, so it's not the most helpful of suggestions. Is there any way she can come down not to look after you but to have the sole remit of looking after the children / school runs etc?

I can see it from her point of view too. I've found it hard at times to support my mum and fear I'll put my foot in it. McMillan have been fantastic. They offer fabulous support to friends and family so we can best support our loved ones.

I think it's very hard for her yes. just to repeat: If the OP can, it would be kind to ask her to visit for a day / few hours depending on how she's feeling.

But if you are in the middle of a life-changing diagnosis, it's a time to come to terms with things which is often a rather private time. The needs of other people to show their love and caring, even genuinely close and loving people, can actually be a strain.

As with so much, it's a balance - it's her mother! Even so, the OP does needs to do what is right for her at this time. Getting stressed by your nearest and dearest saying "I feel rejected by you" or by handling other peoples (understandably) difficult emotions simply doesn't help her. Gentle distraction by other people, and the OP holding a firm line and offering visits when it's possible for her, seems the best way to me.

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful replies, they are really appreciated and have given me food for thought.

Unfortunately, there's been more drama this morning surrounding this weekend and mothers day - my bro called me as I was putting on mascara this morning... (sorry this is long & ranty)

Mum & her hubby were going to a birthday party tomorrow evening & given it is mothers day on Sunday, my bro invited me & oh to spend the evening with them then meet up with mum etc for brunch on mothers day.

We very rarely get to spend this type of time together as usually mum & her hubby are there too - so it's very a rare opportunity for me & bro to get silly together :-) So, I booked a hotel, we're cooking this end & taking food/wine with us - really looking forward to it.

Mum called bro this morning & asked what the plan was for Sunday - bro said brunch given me & oh have to be back home late afternoon. Mum then asked bro when we were going up there - Bro said Sunday morning. Mum then saw straight through this & said she & hubby weren't going out on Saturday eve now (clearly waiting to be invited over on Sat eve) , which didn't happen.

Mum then told bro I hadn't called her for 3 weeks & when bro kindly suggested the phone works both ways & she could call me - mum then told bro not to get funny with her. Bro dug himself into a hole about the weekend & mum then ended to conversation by saying she didn't want to see anyone this weekend.

So now we have a situation where bro didn't feel he could be honest with mum that he had plans to see his sis on Saturday. As an aside bro came down to meet me for lunch last week for a couple of hours & asked whether he should tell mum or whether we should invite her. I said I didn't have a problem with mum knowing but it was about me & bro seeing each other for the first time since my diagnosis. Mum grilled bro afterwards asking what we'd spoken about.

I really have no idea what to do now. I was so looking forward to a nice evening with my bro & his oh, then meeting mum for brunch the following day. Now I almost feel that I can't go to see my bro given mum hasn't been invited to the meal. I actually don't want her there either...

As I said to my bro this morning, the fact that we need to lie about seeing each other without mum (both in our 40's) says a lot really doesn't it? In the past 10 years I have probably seen my bro/sis in law less than 6 times on our own.

Dysfunctional?

Banana x

bananamilkshake Sorry about your illness- I know what it's like having been through cancer diagnosis and surgery. Listen, your mother is making it all about her. You are your own priority at the moment. I know the feeling when you dread a parent's phone call or you have to steel yourself to call them. From her point of view, she is very worried about you. My father's response was, "Why do these things always happen to me!" (meaning himself). You sound like you're handling things well. I can't really advise you about what to do but having a good laugh with your DB doesn't sound much to ask really. All sorts of people have very funny reactions to people when they get cancer. I wish you the best of luck with surgery/treatment and all the shit that goes with it.
btw Google 'Stupid things people do and say when you get cancer'

I know it's irritating and I wouldn't want my mother around fussing either but it does sound like she's well-meaning and worried about you but doesn't really know how to deal with it.

banana!

First thing to say: you do this YOUR way!

Second thing: it might help to send your Mum this article. It's one of the most helpful and simple ways of conceptualising illness - people grasp it quite readily, and it helps to set the priorities straight. Tell your brother what you're doing and get his support to make her tone it down!

articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407

Again, my mum was like this. Couldn't bear to be left out, wanted to be in on everything, got terribly jealous/sniffy if she wasn't included. She would sulk if I had said I wanted to go anywhere with just my sister, or just my aunt, or even just my husband and kids.

It's poor behaviour - treat her like you would a toddler. She's not being much of a grown-up so it looks like you will have to be. Sorry.

And yes it is dysfunctional

Thanks again for the messages. The day is getting worse... bro just called & said he felt he had no choice now but to invite mum to the meal on Saturday evening - just wasn't worth the aggro which would no doubt follow. I said that we are enabling this behaviour & he agreed. I asked bro what sil in law thought re this morning's outburst - she said it's because mum isn't the centre of attention. Too true.

Looking forward to my glass of wine later...

banana you have to go and see your brother. It might be a bit overshadowed by your mother's dramatics this time but it's the first time when you are consciously making sure you have time alone with your brother and you have a relationship with him separate from your mother's involvement. It's the first time, but hte second time will be easier, the third a bit easier still. It's the start of your own relationship with him.

That's the way it's meant to be. You are mean to have relationships with siblings that are not always governed by the parent.

Also, allow your brother to field the calls at the moment. In the circumstances you have your own issues to deal with. Let him take a bit more of the load, for now. Later on down the line it will even out in other ways.

If you didn't have the diagnosis to deal with, I'd say keep going with the brunch, let your mother have a few kittens and hold your ground. in fact, if you think she will be civilized and normal about it, do go and enjoy it. But in these circumstances, she might be going to pull out all the emotional stops and give you a world of trouble. Right now you don't need that. So if you don't want to see her, if she's going to pull the emotional heavy duty stuff, then don't. It's a pity, but you can converse by email and that will take the heat out of the situation. Emails are easier to handle than face to face.

Dear me Mother's Day just isn't worth the hassle and grief.

If it's not too late, ring your borther and ask him not to invite her. You do have to stand your ground sometime and being steamrollered like this - well, it's awful.

Tantrums will ensue but you know, most tantrummers get over it in the end and then there's a new and much healthier status quo.

Your brother need to stand up for himself.

Spend the time with your brother. Your mother is doing more of the "All About Me Show" and it has backfired on her as it should. She should have been happy with the Mother's Day Brunch plan, but tried to manipulate you and db for more. She is testing your boundaries.

Refusing to not come at all now is her having a hissy fit, no doubt designed to bathe you and db in guilt (or rather GUILT as it is mother's day weekend). Don't rise to this bait. And if brought up in the future, in the moment, remind her she was invited to brunch and she chose not to come. Do not accept the guilt.

Agree with Meerka' s suggestion of giving your mother some attention, though. And that would be on your terms, not your mother's. Sounds selfish at first glance, but it is important to understand (for your mother to understand) that your feelings and boundaries should be respected without the second guessing while you are going through this difficult and stressful time.

Best wishers for your health to be fully restored as soon as possible.

I get the feeling that your mother was a difficult customer before you developed health problems, op..... if you can, insist that your brother stands firm and does not invite her. And if he does invite her, don't go yourself. That will send a strong message to her that you're not putting up with this shit.

Thanks again all. Yes Plumping, mum has always been a difficult customer but that's a whole other thread!