family conflict

[Anxious16]

my daughter took her 6 mth old daughter and left the family home she shared with her partner because she was unhappy with their relationship, she set herself up in a new home and then he broke her spirit and she went back. since then they both blame us for the split and won't let us see our grandchild. it is much more to thier break up/reconciliation than this but just looking for general advice

I'm sorry you're in this situation. The best advice is to stay in touch with your daughter, even if it's very one sided and you get no response for a long time. The message to her has to be very simply that you hope she's OK and that you'd love to hear from her soon. Don't badger her or try to force anything. Space it out. When things break down again - because they will - she needs to know she can come to you and you won't say 'I told you so'

The exception is if you believe your grandchildren are at risk of harm or neglect. If that is the case, you have to intervene and advise the right people.

I think lots depend on what the actions of everyone. Was the partner abusing her? Or did your daughter just fell out of love with him? Or were you interfering and adding stress to the new, first baby situation?

We don't know a lot of the information but generally, just let your daughter know that your door will always be open to her.

The 4 of us always had a good relationship, no conflicts and we always supported them, financially too if they asked. he was on substances and didn't help around the home.
we helped out with childcare weekly so they could both resume their full time jobs
She fell out of love with him and said he was jealous of how close we were saying it was not normal. Now she reckons we were always letting them down with childcare and are now using my grand daughter as a tool (which we never would think of doing) Plus she suddenly agrees with him that our relationship was never "normal"
She has cut herself off from her family and friends, it's all his family (whom she always had issues with before)
Because she doesnt drive, he takes her everywhere too - even when she did visit was always on phone to her

So in order to keep him happy, she's ditched you. And in order to justify ditching you, she's created this back story (probably with his intervention) of letting her down over childcare and manipulating your granddaughter. So she's controlled and isolated. It's very sad but quite typical of an abusive relationship unfortunately. It's also very sad but, unless you think she or the child are in harm's way, there's not much anyone can do.

I'd reiterate the earlier advice to stay in touch best you can, keep the door open and hope she screws up the courage to get away another time.