My parents split when i was just 3, both moved on to new people, my dad was with his wife for nearly 30 years until she died 3 years ago.
I lived with my mum, raised by my nan whilst she worked full time and saw my dad twice a month, 4 hours at a time, so we hardly had a good relationship, when I was 16 I stopped seeing him under a court order and started seeing friends more at weekend but obviously kept in touch with him.
In the early days I would go and visit him and his wife but I was never made welcome, It became apparent that it was all about her family, she has 2 daughters. So more and more it became that I would see him three times a year, birthdays and christmas. we have always lived 5 minutes away from each other yet id never be invited round for tea, he would never come and visit me - can understand this as i still lived with my mum and stepdad. I would speak to his wife on the phone, she was very critical of me, I asked him to come to my graduation once, he said he couldn't as he was working - I now know he was at a family party for her family.
So fast forward all this difficulty, his wife dies whilst i'm pregnant, he has since lived alone, the 2 daughters who took everything from their mum and only left him with his house have hardly anything to do with him, 1 will ask for a lift somewhere now and again. I have seen him 3 times a week since my ds was born, in the early days he would turn up every single morning. Imagine being a new mum for the 1st time, all you want to do is sleep and your dad who is in the midst of grieving turns up on your doorstep. I honestly dont know how I got through that time, I was so tired constantly and had no help.
I've since watched him slowly come to terms with whats happened, In no way is he mended now he still misses her terribly, but what I'm finding hard now is that he won't talk to me, he will mention family members, he will tell me snippets from work, but thats as far as our conversation goes. so 3 times a week he comes for around an hour, then takes ds out to the park or whatever, he takes him out for a few hours at a time, ds is 2.5 he needs a nap yet dad thinks its fine to keep him awake by feeding him chocolate from family sized bags. I've asked him not to, he still does it.
The thing thats got to me more though is that since getting slightly close to him again I have discovered he may be a functioning alcoholic. He will go to the pub every single dad to met his mates for a few pints, but then comes home and carries on drinking cheap wine, which in turn makes him sick - he has stomach ulcers and always blames sickness on these, from speaking to family members though they told me he has always been like this and his wife would cover for him. He smells of drink sometimes, I hate myself for writing this but if his wife was still alive I don't think I would see that much of him. I have had this stranger basically forced into my life, he's never been the easiest person to talk to but its so much harder now.
I have suggested retiring from work and joining a few groups to get some hobbies but he brushes everything off. He has actually decided to retire this year but now i'm scared that he will be here more and more. I want to be part of his life but at the moment i feel like I am his whole life, he has nothing else, he goes home to an empty house, I can tell he is desperately lonely (and the reason for his drinking is also because of this), but he wont do anything about it.
Im really really struggling to keep in contact with him and I don't know what to do, it feels as if he comes out of duty rather than to actually see us, he is stuck in limbo and I dont know what to do, but I feel so put upon, I have had the last 3 years of what should have been a joyous time, new baby, new house, taken over by having this man come round 3 times a week to sit here for an hour then go home again, i feel dread when I know its the day he comes, I feel like a prisoner sometimes in my own house, But if i stop he would have nobody else. sorry this is so long, I could write pages and pages, but I do feel a bit better writing it down, so at least thats a positive.