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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel like dumping all these friends!

21 replies

FedUpAndUpset · 12/03/2015 12:10

I have namechanged for this thread. I feel so upset and pissed off.

I went out this morning for breakfast/coffee with 4 other friends, and by the time the morning was over it dawned on me that none of these friends have asked me a single thing today about me, or about anything about my life. And that, actually, I've barely had the opportunity to say more than 10 words throughout the whole 2 hour meet!

Two of the friends are very talkative and talk about themselves from noon til night. The other two friends are quieter but seem to just sit there and listen to it all, and make appropriate comments and noises and just give them attention. But even so, the other two got a few more words in than I did, and got asked about themselves.

At one point, I started to talk about something that has happened in my life recently and one of the selfish ones just cut in and burst out with something exciting that "may" be happening in her life and that was it, no one listened to me any longer.

Every time we meet these two talk, talk, talk although ironically they do listen to each other! I just don't think any of them respect me tbh! I have listened to so much stuff from them and been supportive and now I don't think I can be any longer. I have things going on in my life.

I gave one of the talkers a lift home afterwards and was very quite and probably appeared quite offhand on the journey home, as I just felt so deflated and upset. She babbled on about herself all the journey home....

I just feel like dumping them all. A morning with friends should surely be uplifting, but instead I feel on the verge of tears and worthless.

OP posts:
Original poster
FedUpAndUpset · 12/03/2015 12:15

Just before I went home I was just saying to one of the quieter ones about something one of my kids said this morning and one of the loud ones interjected "Your kids are weird".

The only time they can be arsed to speak to me or acknowledge me is to be nasty....

OP posts:
DontDrinkandFacebook · 12/03/2015 12:15

I don't blame you. Perhaps you need to start making a few new friends outside of that group.

Original poster
FedUpAndUpset · 12/03/2015 12:16

Luckily I do have other friends but I just feel like a failure for letting myself be treated that way.

OP posts:
LadySybilLikesSloeGin · 12/03/2015 12:16

They are conversation hoggers. It's very annoying when people do this but there's ways to divert the conversation back once it's been nicked. How about cutting them short with something like "well, yes, that's wonderful/sad/must be worrying, but as I was saying..."

I know a couple of people like this and I find myself interrupting them or I'd never get a word in. Some people can just talk. I'm sure it's not anything personal or they are doing it on purpose.

I hope you're OK Thanks

cailindana · 12/03/2015 12:17

Group friendships are hard. Groups have their own dynamics, and they're often dominated by one or two people. It sounds like this group is no good for you. Would it be possible to form a closer friendship with one other person from the group - meet with them separately and then go to the group when you feel up to it? People behave very differently in one-to-one situations IME.

Original poster
FedUpAndUpset · 12/03/2015 12:22

Every time I tried to say anything no one was listening to me as the two quieter ones were listening to the louder ones and would automatically switch their attention.

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Tapwater · 12/03/2015 12:23

I agree with Cailindana - this group dynamic works for the other people, who are happy with the amount of talking or listening etc they do, but it doesn't work for you. Meeting separately with individual members - if you genuinely like them? It's hard to tell from your post - might work, otherwise you should expand your social circle and form less unequal relationships.

Original poster
FedUpAndUpset · 12/03/2015 12:23

Cailin, funnily enough I was just saying to DH on the phone now that I'm not going to meet anyone in groups or threes anymore, just one-on-one.

There is one of the other quieter members that I do like a lot so I will try to meet up with her from time to time but I think I'll just let the others drift.

It's not even like they're loud but decent people, I feel like I was treated with a total lack of respect.

OP posts:
Original poster
FedUpAndUpset · 12/03/2015 12:24

I guess I'm just pissed off as I consider them friends but it's dawned on me really that actually none of them really give a shite about me.

OP posts:
DontDrinkandFacebook · 12/03/2015 12:29

I think it might be a good idea to try to break up the group dynamics a bit, and see two or three of them at a time, but only ever one of the really talkative ones at a time. If that makes no difference then just start inviting the quieter two on their own.

If the noisy one/s say anything, just say 'well last time I never got a word in edgeways with you and XYZ both gassing the whole time and it was hardly worth my being there, so I just though it would be nice to see people in smaller/different combinations for a change. Hopefully that way we can all get a chance to say something and be heard.'

Original poster
FedUpAndUpset · 12/03/2015 12:35

I don't think I want to have anything to do with the louder ones again tbh.

One of them in particular does things like starts conversations with others on my facebook statuses, or butts in on conversations I'm having at the school gates and then I'm pushed out.

I just cannot be bothered any longer.

Feel like if I say something I will be classed as the bad guy.

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 12/03/2015 14:08

I would just let the louder two drift, it doesn't seem like you're getting anything positive from their friendship.

I personally have a hard time with groups larger than 3 unless I know all the people well.

Original poster
FedUpAndUpset · 12/03/2015 14:46

I can guarantee that even in a group of 3 I'm the one left out.

I don't seem to have much of a presence, and I don't think people respect me very much. I'm just kind of "there" I guess...

OP posts:
Tapwater · 12/03/2015 16:25

Even in any group of three people you're the one left out, or just in a subsection of this particular group? Because if it's more than that, I'd suggest you are either unlucky in your 'friends', unconsciously choosing conversation-hoggers as mates, or it's something you're doing yourself in group conversations...? Do you behave as though you find yourself interesting, and as though you have a right to be listened to?

Joysmum · 12/03/2015 16:38

It happens because you let it. As I've got older I've learnt how to stand up for myself a bit more.

'Excuse me, I was speaking' is a good one.

DontDrinkandFacebook · 12/03/2015 17:46

Very true Joys. These women are supposed to be your friends. Why can't you say 'Oi you, shurrup a minute, we're done talking about you!' in a jokey but firm way?

If you don't feel comfortable doing that then they are not real friends.

SolidGoldBrass · 12/03/2015 17:54

If it's every group scenario that leads to you feeling left out, then something about you is contributing to this. Were you brought up with very talkative, confident older siblings, or were your parents old-fashioned enough to insist that children are 'seen and not heard'? If you have always been The One Who Isn't Listened To then maybe you kind of seek out people who won't listen to you because it feels safe and familiar, as Tapwater suggests.

Also, do you have enough in common with the group to be able to talk about things that interest them? If they are all (eg) interested in dogs, and you don't have a dog, don't much care for dogs and would rather talk about (eg) Scottish Devolution or your haemorrhoids or something then it's understandable that they won't listen to you for long. If it's always just general chat about your lives, are you the one who's always either got a long tale of woe or, conversely, the one who's happy and doing quite well?

MadeMan · 12/03/2015 18:47

In my opinion if people don't have any interest in your life or ask you about yourself, then they aren't really friends.

paxtecum · 12/03/2015 20:41

I agree with MadeMan.
You could interrupt them and push your self forward but they are only interested in themselves.

tallwivglasses · 12/03/2015 22:42

Dump them (apart from the nice one, but be careful). Be polite but aloof at the school gates. Be busy next time there's there's a coffee meetup. There's loads of nice people like you out there Smile

Original poster
FedUpAndUpset · 12/03/2015 22:46

Thank you so much everyone for your replies.

I have been feeling on such a downer about myself tonight, and reflecting on a few things, and I think that lots of friends, or rather so-called friends, do tend to take me for granted and assume that I'll listen or that I won't mind waiting while they are late to meet me, or that I don't have problems or issues of my own that I'd like support for. I have had enough of being walked over. It is even things such as on Facebook I will take the time to reply to someone's status and they will ignore my reply and carry on talking to others who have replied to them.

I think I need to be a bit more aloof and a bit more unavailable at least for the moment.

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