I am confident I want to ask him to leave but why is it so hard?

[bryonyelf]

I am done. I just can't live like this anymore. I desperately want it to work. I don't want to be a single parent. I do love him but not in love with him. If we keep going we are going to end up hating each other. At least this way I think we will remain friends.

I don't know how I will cope financially and I am scared.

I'm sorry you're facing such a dilemma. Is partner aware of just how much trouble the relationship is in? Do they know how you feel? And why are you going to end up hating each other? What has gone wrong?

Sorry for the long silence - I just blurted this all out this morning after a row last night and the tears followed. Feeling a bit more like myself now I am at work.

In the grand scheme of things we are good friends but that's it and I just don't want to lose that. My mother and father despised each other and I have horrible memories growing up - I really want to avoid that.

We are just not getting on at the moment. Arguments start out of nothing. Very rarely will DH accept responsibility or discuss anything tending to storm off instead. I know I have faults and I will say I was wrong/sorry - he won't.

Any arguments over DS generally end up with me being told that DS is playing me.

DH works a lot - leaves the house at 6.30 and home by about 7.30. 9.15 on a Friday. He is tired and wants to chill but this can mean a lot of wine and or beer and this causes tension as well. He sits up most Saturday nights watching TV until about 3 am. Always has a lie in on a Sunday or, if I get a lie in he will go back to bed when I get up so much of the weekend can be wasted.

I know I am no angel but I am 45 and I just don't want this for the rest of my life. I am starting to dread the weekend worrying about what/when will something kick off.

It sounds like your DH is burning all his energy at work, and trying to de-stress with alcohol, TV, and sleep on evenings and weekends. It's understandable, and common, but not healthy, and I can understand the effect that this is having on you.

He's recharging his batteries with stuff that excludes you, essentially, and meanwhile your own needs for caring interaction are not being met - you too have your energy depleted by work and chores, and if what you need is to share some kindness and caring with a loved one in order for you to recharge, then the current set-up is no good for you.

Has it killed the love? Totally understandable if it has, in which case you do need to leave.

However, IF you think you still love and want him, and IF he is willing to take a long hard look at his work/life balance and make a lifestyle chnage, maybe this is salvageable.

You showing to him clearly that you are at the end of your tether and ready to walk as you sound in your OP may be the push he needs to take that long hard look and make some changes. Then again it might not: if he is to make changes, it will need to come from him, since he needs to feel truly motivated in order to change his life around.

I think you need to express to him clearly that you are ready to end it, as his current work/life balance has left you feeling unloved, unsupported, and not desirous to carry on. Then see if this is a wake-up call to him or not.

I feel for you, and wish you the best.

Thank you - you are kind. His working hours aren't really changeable. He leaves so early in order to miss the traffic. If anyone is reading from Edinburgh way he needs to be in Edinburgh for 9 am and that includes getting over the Forth Road Bridge. He leaves at 6.30 and goes to the gym first. He'd have to leave no later than 7 to miss the rush-hour bit of traffic.

He doesn't finish work until 6/6.30 and by the time he goes through his end of day stuff it can take until half 7 to get home.

I do love him but I am not sure I am in love with him as man and wife should be. I don't know if there is any come back. I miss the days when everything was great and I don't know how to fight to get that back. It is a combination of where we live, his work and me being left to do everything else myself just makes me feel I'd be better off and happier on my own.

Where you live, his job, and the fact that all the chores are left to you, are all very concrete things that can be changed.

There are different locations, different jobs, different ways to allocate housework.

I'm not saying it's easy. I understand that changing any one of these items has plenty of ramifications, and right now you probably feel bound by them all, for very real financial reasons. But neither of the three are set in stone, they can be changed. With some sacrifices, yes. But these might be sacrifices worth making if you both want to save your marriage.

As for your love for him, only you know in your gut where you stand on that.

At this stage I think it's still salvageable, but he will need to want to work on it too.
As others, it looks like the main problem is his detachment from the family during the time he actually is at home and what he chooses to unwind.

For one, why doesn't he go to the gym closer to his work, so that he can leave home a bit later?
But his drinking and going to bed late impacts on his energy and mood, presumably. He would need to cut on both and start participating in family life.
At this point I think it's worth pointing out that you are reaching the end of your tether and establish what you expect from the relationship and from him. See what he says. He should be willing to work on it, possibly attend counselling with you and show marked improvement on many aspects very, very soon.

Thanks. The gym is next to work. He leaves at half 6 and is there for about 7.15. If he left the house at 7 the traffic has changed so much he can't guarantee he would be at work for 9 am. His bosses are not forgiving and he'd be in trouble if late which is rightly so.

Can you sit calmly with him and discuss.
I get that he must be exhausted and you must be too.
Are there any options on moving closer to his work, changing job or reducing hours?