How to 'successfully' date an ex

[msreddotty]

So I'm now dating my ex (father of my dd). We split up a couple of years ago and then a few months ago started chatting and flirting and it kind of started from there. It's something we're both keen to make work.

When we weren't together I dated 3 men so I kind of have expectations of how early
dating starts, but because we already know each other it feels like we're skipping some 'stages' of normal dating.

Any tips/guidance on things they've learnt in this situation or general advice on how to do it successfully?

what I've learnt in this situation, uhm... don't do it?

"An ex is an ex for a reason" and all that.

But good luck to you.

I wouldn't be so black and white as "an ex is an ex for a reason" (ie. it can never work).

As a general rule it's true that if you split up once, it's not a good basis for a relationship. You get blinded by the comfort of familiarity really.

I think it can work if the reason for the split was external -eg. long distance or recent divorce - and that reason has gone.

Or also if there has been a significant passage of time, enough for people to grow and change - eg. dated when you were 18 and then get back together when you are 30.

No real advice to be honest other than tread carefully and agree to draw a line under the past and never included anything in an argument that is "And what's more you did xyz" that refers to anything in your previous relationship pre-split.

You said you're both keen to make it work. Does this mean you have discussed remarrying if it goes well?

I personally haven't had a good experience with dating ex's or re-starting a relationship but it has worked ok as FWB arrangement.

I do think it depends why you split. And I would not tell your Dd at this stage.

I've not told my daughter anything. We're just enjoying each other's company. It's actually been lovely and ie noticed a distinct change in how we are for the better. But because there's familiarity with us we don't have the "getting to know each other" that I would have if he was someone new.

Does anyone have any positive stories?

"An ex is an ex for a reason" and all that.

The reasons aren't always negative.

Can you say why you broke up? How long were you married or de facto prior to the split?

As Self says, I think the reasons behind your split are absolutely key. If it was infidelity, or EA, then this is likely to be a very bad idea. However, I do know of relationships that have reconciled when previously irresolvable differences have been resolved by genuine change within one or both parties. I also believe, contrary to pop culture, that old dogs can learn new tricks, and that lasting change can be achieved with commitment and courage. Communicate, communicate, communicate. Transparency will be absolutely ESSENTIAL if you are to move forward together.

Keen to make it work is a bit worrying. You need to be more wary than you would in a new relationship, not less.

Why did you break up? I think it can work but you need to be honest with yourselves about what happened before and how it's changed (if it's changed), and also why you want to get back together. If it's because you want to "be a happy family" then beware because you obviously weren't happy before - for whatever reason. Be aware of going into it for the reason of wanting a second chance, rather than because you genuinely enjoy being around each other and you know that the obstacles of last time have gone.

Fresh. It sadly was due to infidelity, but I've truly forgiven him. The past couple of years being on my own has led me on a wonderful journey too.

In those couple of years my ex made it clear he was waiting for me. Yet I ploughed on with the divorce. Then something just clicked and that's where we are now.

We met as teenagers but in terms of marriage, it was two years.

Bertie we really do get on well. In the past few months when we got close I went through some big upheavals and he was my rock - he would never hae been like that previously.