Life shouldn't be easier when DH is away

[Tardismerula]

This will probably seem really trivial but I feel awful for feeling this way. DH is away on a work trip this week and while I miss him very much, life seems to be easier without him here. We have a 20 month old DD, my husband works full time and I work 2 days a week so I do the majority of the housework and am fine with that but this trip has made me realise how much extra work DH creates. It is not like he does nothing, he usually takes the bins out, changes the cat litter and some other chores and I know he really tries to be helpful but I think it's just general thoughtlessness, things like leaving dirty dishes on the side instead of in the dishwasher, dirtying surfaces and leaving clothes lying around whereas I tend to tidy as I go more. I have tried to talk to him before about these things but I feel like I am nagging and nothing changes for long.
I tend to be a much calmer person than DH and as a result our toddler is calmer without him here too. He gets quite anxious and overreacts when something goes wrong and this effects DD. We rarely argue though and he is never aggressive, in fact he tends to be extremely passive and when I raise these things he is overly apologetic.
I do really love DH and miss him a lot when he is away, but just hate the workload when he is here! I can't help feeling things should be easier with two parents not more difficult.

I always felt things were simpler and easier when DH is away.

Difference is, I didn't work much and did all the chores at home because even doing that I had more leisure time than him.

Easier and simpler though it was, my life was empty, or felt like it, as I love my DH very much and hate him being away.

My DH is away currently and it is easier, I have even delayed Mother's Day travel plans so I can enjoy and extra night at home with DC and cat before I travel. (He is meeting us there).

Seems it is pretty common then! I was just feeling conflicted as I do miss him but I am enjoying the calm! Is this how it should be though?

Both DH and I find life technically simpler and smoother when the other is absent.... we do miss each other after a bit though. We think it's because the kids resent us actually speaking to each other rather than focusing on them, and so they act up more....

I understand completely. Thought I was alone! My DH does pretty much the same thing. I do miss him, but then, I also like knowing that the bathroom will stay clean (and hair free!), the random dishes won't be festooned around the house despite my repeated pleas, and there will be no cooking stinky fried fish!

He also takes out the rubbish, though ;)

I feel that way when DH takes the kids away for a few days to see his parents. When I was working I couldn't go and would spend 3 blissful days floating around a clean house.

I'd feel a bit guilty sometimes. Shouldn't I be missing them? And then I think 'can you hear that?' No! I can't hear a damn thing. Isn't it wonderful and go off to put on a tv show no one else in the house likes but me.

You sound just like me OP. The difference in the dc when we're both home versus when it's just me is enormous. And he's messy too, he can absolutely destroy a clean bathroom in five minutes use! Like you I tidy as I go, and the dc and I have a good rhythm (most days). Sometimes when he's home it feels really draining, like there's yet another person I have to pay attention to. I'm anticipating things will get better as the dc get older.

I do love him though. But not his shed hair all over the bathroom.

Well my dh is in the forces so goes away on detachments regularly and those of us who are left behind looking after the family all agree life is actually easier when they are away. Not because we don't love them or miss them but because we are finally able to organise the house & dc on our own without any interruption. The house runs smooth and the dc behave. Bliss.

When they come home all hell breaks loose. We are glad to see them but the house is a mess and the dc are running wild again.
Oh well only another few months until he's on detachment again

I think the problem with having one person responsible for working and one responsible for the house is that the latter can end up being treated like a skivvy. "She does the pots, so I'll just leave the plate here" and "She cleans the bathroom, so I won't rinse out the sink after myself". If you weren't there, he would have to work full time and clean after himself.

Here we both work full time, but DH has to travel frequently, we share the chores and he is very tidy, and we have been like this since our now teenage children we tiny babies.
When he is away I get into a different routine, intake on all the responsibility and the house runs smoothly, then when he comes back it's like he is interfering, then we get back into our joint routine and get along nicely until we repeat the sequence. It is worse when he is away for longer 3+ weeks.

To be fair you DC is on,y 20 months and I found the primary years the hardest as my DC behaviour was effected by his trips, they missed him and played up, both while he was away and then again when he came home. Once they got to secondary it had become routine so the issue disappeared.

And yes I do miss him and from time to time resent the fact that I am left with the day to day drudgery whilst he travels the world.

To be fair, it's always been the other way around for me. Having your DP away means no nagging about leaving my knickers on the floor or not doing the washing up

"He gets quite anxious and overreacts when something goes wrong "

What kind of thing do you mean? Whatever it is, if it creates an atmosphere of tension and stress bad enough for a small baby to be disturbed by it, it could be a serious problem.