How would you feel about yourself if you'd had parents like this?

[AWholeLottaNosy]

So I am the youngest of 3 sisters. My sisters are 5 and 7 years older than me. I was a 'mistake' ( according to my mum, who also told me she wanted a boy). As a child I felt unwanted, a nuisance, in the way. My parents had loads of photos of my sisters but hardly any of me. My sisters were very close to each other and generally excluded me from their life. My middle sister was very jealous of me and often hit me. I remember being criticised a lot, being told by my mum I was 'useless', 'clueless' and 'stupid '.

I used to play on my own a lot as a child and I have a really strong memory of my older sisters who were probably teens at this point, being in their bedroom with their friends and me wanting to come in and be with them and them literally pushing the door shut so I couldn't come in.

As a teen, I was always being unfavourably compared to my older sisters. One was deputy head girl of my school and went to Oxford Uni and the other went to. Grammar school and also went to a good Uni.

I was considered the stupid one in my family to the extent that when I was considering staying on at school to do A levels, my mum told me that my dad had said 'he didn't care what I did because as far as he was concerned I'd never be anything better than a shopgirl in Woolworths' ( this was in the eighties )

When I was 19 I had a slipped disc and was in so much pain I had to leave college as it was too painful to sit down for long periods of time and had to walk with a walking stick. There was a 5 month waiting list for physiotherapy on the NHS. I'd seen a private physio a few times but couldn't afford to carry on seeing him ( I'd left home by this time and didn't have much money ). I went home to ask if they'd help pay for my treatments ( was £7 a session ) and my dad said ( again, told to me by my mum) that they weren't going to help me as they thought it was 'my own fault through listening to silly pop music ' ( I'd been doing aerobics classes before this happened which MAY have caused it )

There's lots more things but I feel that the constant criticism and lack of support has really impacted how I feel about myself and my inability to feel good about myself and take risks or put myself forwards. Just wondered how other people would feel about themselves with parents like this or if you had a similar upbringing how you've overcome it. Thanks for reading, sorry it was so long and if it sounded self pitying, I know there's a lot of people who've had it much harder than me.

Oh love, they sound awful That's a horrible way to treat a child! :( It's dreadful when parents treat some of their children differently - I have sisters too and have become the family scapegoat so I understand something of your experience, though I'm not the youngest child. Have you tried any counselling?

I've done a lot of work on trying to forgive them and get where they were coming from. I've also done work on my self esteem and I'm much better than I was. But as I get older and see how people treat their children ( and I know it's a different time now ) I do feel sad and a bit cheated about how they were with me, especially as my older sisters don't have any of my issues of low self esteem, have been very successful and one of them has actually said ' you had a very different childhood to mine'.

I was also raped at the age of 16 and never told my parents as I knew I'd get blamed for it so had to try and deal with it on my own.

Hmmm, I think you have to move on from them and it and get on with your life. It sounds like you may be a similar age to me. I'm in my forties. I left home at 18. I was also told I was an accident! I've made a life away from my birth family. Since having my own children, I've had no help or support from my mum, despite her giving my sister huge support with her children, overnight babysitting, even buying her a house! My mum has always treated my siblings differently to me. They are still dependent on her despite being in their forties! None of them ever visit me, I live about an hour and a half away by car. I fell out with them at Christmas after they demanded I take an expensive present over for my niece. My sister sent a stream of abusive messages. They demanded I brought this gift over despite not buying anything for my children! I have practically gone none contact with them now. I have my own family, my husband's mum and sister, hobbies and friends.

My mum died last year and my dad has dementia so it's not about my relationship with them, it's about how I feel about myself and how to stay positive about myself. Jingle, I'm glad you have managed to make a good life for yourself, sounds like you have some great people around you.

I can identify with your post as I'm a black sheep and was brought feeling I was a mistake and a nuisance and just always felt like apologising for breathing. I was illegitimate and my [smug legitimate] half siblings have always rejected me. My mother was cold, critical, judgemental, neglecting and disinterested in me...but not her other 2 children.

Of course it is then a struggle to be confident, have a good feeling of self worth and high self esteem. It's tough, it's a struggle to keep one's spirits up and be light hearted. It's isolating and you wonder if anyone understands how alone you feel.

Deep down though I have always known it was her/their problem, that they were wrong about me, that I'm an ok, decent person. I think it takes one other significant adult to believe in you... I had a grandmother who did and to whom I owe my sanity. Then a husband, then a family...and slowly rebuilt my life. I would never, ever treat my children the way I was treated. I gave love and praise and support to mine. Still do, they are in their 40's...

It did all catch up with me after my marriage failed though but I sought help in the form of counselling/therapy then researched and read all I could about the subject of having a dysfunctional family/constant negativity and being ostracised. I was determined not to be ground down by them, and distanced myself emotionally so I could be left alone.

I have forgiven my mother as I understand the circumstances she was in, she has now passed away. I have no time for the others whatsoever.

You are not self pitying. You have a story, you have a right to tell it and be heard and it's painful to be so rejected. We have to heal from it all in whatever ways we can, if posting on here and getting it out helps that's fine. It helps me. You sound strong, self aware and capable, sad though that you've had to deal with so much.

I only went home twice a year for many years as I felt the best way to deal with it was to minimise contact with them. I'm just left with this residual sense of, what was wrong with me? What did I do that was so unloveable..?

You shouldn't feel anything bad about yourself; it's not you it's them. I can see why you have issues, they've conditioned you that way.

I had counselling to help me heal from mine. It's a long road, many of these scars will never heal.

It's not you, it's them.

You will find lots of support on the stately homes thread on here. Toxic families where children are divided into the golden child (sounds like your siblings) and the scapegoat (sounds like your role). I am so sorry.

Nothing wrong with you, you were born into a family where they had their own issues and took it out on you....as was I. The dysfunction was already there and the personalities/circumstances at that time of the people involved meant they did not nurture you as they should have done.

You did nothing, and were just an innocent. It was their problem not yours but you had the burden of it. We are all on our own paths, which often are not easy, often unfair and sometimes very difficult. Others have their own stories to tell of other struggles.....just not ones of rejection.

Thanks cafe and Stoaty. Means a lot to know I'm not just being self pitying. I'd thought about posting on SH thread but didn't know if my issues were bad enough as I know there are people who've had it a lot worse than me. Especially as my sisters are relatively 'normal'. Thank you both.

Sometimes suffering is relative. I'll give you an example. Lets say you earn $50,000 a year. Sounds good. But what if everyone else was earning $100,000? Pretty shit now isn't it? Lets change it to everyone earning $50,000, now you have no right to complain do you? Or what if everyone else was earning $30,000 a year? You'd be a total bitch to complain about how much you earn right?

Bear that in mind when I say your sisters got a $100,000 a year upbringing and you got the $50,000 a year upbringing. Sure you know there are people out there struggling on even worse, doing it tougher. But that doesn't make you feel any better that your parents shortchanged you in childhood.

The only real childhoods you truly are able to compare yours to are your sisters. And yours sucked in comparison and that makes it even worse than another person who had the same upbringing as you but who's siblings also were treated the same as them. You were treated worse and your life is worse because of it and you have every right to still feel crappy about that.

Also don't waste anytime trying to understand where they are coming from.

It was a great moment when I clicked that my m was irrational and nothing she said or did had any true basis and had no baring on the facts.

I also knew there was no point in trying to change her and haven't tried and I am ok with that. I have others who see my worth and it's her loss.

Oh OP,

You did nothing wrong, they did!
Don't waste any more time trying to figure them out, you can't understand them or make the past better.
There's a thread on MN search 'stately homes' it was a real eye opener for me and I now feel able to see my parents - if I accidently run into them - with out running away in the other direction!

Hugs to you

I agree entirely with Sensational - just because others may have had a worse time of it, objectively, doesn't mean that what happened to you was in any way ok. It wasn't.

You have been treated appallingly by your whole family and the miracle is that you have come out of it relatively ok - and enough insight to see that you needed help, which you have received.

There is NOTHING wrong with you. There is LOADS wrong with your parents that they felt they could treat you like that. There is a midway amount wrong with your sisters that they went along with that treatment of you - I say midway because of course they copied their parents' example but they could have developed some empathy and understanding and stood up for their baby sister - they just chose not to.

OP,

"I have a really strong memory of my older sisters who were probably teens at this point, being in their bedroom with their friends and me wanting to come in and be with them and them literally pushing the door shut so I couldn't come in."

I think that is probably quite common for siblings with that kind of age gap.

However,

Being told you were a mistake, useless, stupid, worthless - definitely not normal.
Being told not to bother with A Levels - not normal.
Not supporting you when you were injured - very much not normal.

None of those things are your fault. They did not treat you this way because you were dumb, clueless, useless, a mistake. They treated you like that because they are horrible people.

Do feel free to come on Stately Homes. There are some very useful books and website resources posted on the top of the thread which could help you sort through things in your mind.

Thank you all for your kind and thoughtful replies, they have been very touching and heartening ( and made me shed a tear or two). It's not easy to talk about so getting some objective feedback is useful.

I pushed myself so hard to get a good degree ( to prove I wasn't stupid ) but even when I got a 2.1, my dad still managed to deride my achievements by calling it 'left wing studies, ( it was in American Studies at Warwick University). I ended up doing the conversion course in Law and the Legal Practice Diploma - which was really bloody hard, just to finally and incontrovertibly prove to them, and me, that I wasn't stupid. My thinking was, if I had this piece of paper saying I'd qualified in law, no one could ever say I was stupid ever again. ( predictably my mum told me that my dad had said I'd either fail or drop out - I didn't but what a bloody waste of time that was)....it was only years later I realised I'd never get the respect I craved from my dad and I stopped trying.

The only praise I ever got from him was after my mum had had a severe stroke and was in a nursing home and I'd gone home to visit him for the weekend, I'd cooked him a nice Sunday lunch and he said to me, you'll make someone a good wife one day. Unsurprisingly, I've never been married..,

Anybody with the childhood you had would have their self-esteem seriously dented.

I know you said you don't want to post on the Stately Homes thread (...where you would be more than welcome...), but have you taken a look at the resources listed in its opening post?

Keep doing things that will raise your own self-esteem. What makes you, personally, feel happy and fulfilled? Any creative pursuits that make you lose track of time and feel happy with whatever it is you are producing? Do plenty more of that.

And therapy. A good therapist can help you come to terms with a lot of issues, and teach you how to handle difficult emotions.

Hi I had a similar childhood except I wasn't singled out; all of us were belittled, criticized and shouted at constantly by our dad, and my mum overshared and told me that she only got married to him because he raped her and got her pregnant and she didn't know what to do. Also that I (the youngest) was a mistake as well and she wished she had never married him. I understand why she said this because he was horrible but I always felt that I should never have been born and that my existence was negated.
Like you I have very low self-esteem. I don't feel like I am supposed to be happy, that is for other people. I still see my mum who I suppose is a sweet old lady, she's very gentle, but I can't relate to her and find it hard to forgive her telling me the things she did when i was so young, even though I know she was in an awful situation herself.. Sorry for long post but I know and understand how you feel. I think I need some counseling too.

I had a very similar upbringing and was also physically and emotionally abused.

I am still learning to cope ( in my late thirties) and have found therapy with a psychologist to be helpful.

Yes I get it, been there. The older siblings thing, well age gaps dont work well when it comes to socialising so i get that, any teenager wont want considerably younger sibling hanging around (BFF had 7yr age gap and deeply resented having to entertain her young brother FWIW).

What I am saying is your parenting is the main issue, with side issue of feeling compared to what you consider are more successful siblings. Yes crap parenting leaves your self esteem in tatters , and emotional abuse has been shown to be as devastating if not more so than physical abuse. It affects children's brain development, self esteem, the ability to trust and form healthy relationships, etc, the effects are endless.

I think you very much need counselling and a support network and to start being kinder to yourself. Its their loss that they are too toxic to ever realise and appreciate you: and they wont ever, (sorry if thats hard to hear) because that dynamic has worked for them for years. Confronting it with a view to changing their behaviour is rarely successful either, (my counsellor agreed with me on that one thats not just my opinion). Its best to just develop coping strategies like less contact and openly disagreeing then not negotiating or backing down when cricticism/abusive conversations occur.

If they try and twist things with sentences like 'oh you are over sensitive", your reply should be "well different things upset diff people so a considerate person would think about what they say before saying it then". Dont negotiate further, it plays into the toxic dynamic you have. 'Reward' bad behaviour with leaving or no contact. Its hard, but you can go forward, its like being in A&E, you know you are hurt but you know you will be sorted at some point.

They sound awful! Abusive and cruel springs to mind. If I was you I'd cut contact and forget about them. You aren't what they try convince you that you are- never let them bring you down. Be strong, remember you are a better person then they are capable of being and rise above it all. Honestly though I would cut them out completely

My mum is now dead and my dad has dementia so I dont have to worry about being around them anymore. Am still left with the after effects though. Thanks for all the advice and sorry so many of you had difficult upbringings too.