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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

should i acccept it?

22 replies

proudmummy2 · 11/03/2015 20:41

Hi all, I'm going to try and keep this short. I've been with partner for 3 years, he was an ex cannabis smoker which I knew but he had stayed clear of it for 2 years before we got together. As our relationship got further along, he got more Dependant on alcohol, he was an idiot when he drank and many of times I've told him he got far too drunk and had actually scared me, he stopped drinking altogether when he realized his body was caving in because if it. He seemed to be doing so well and I was truely proud of him and felt like my family was back on track. He took me to a posh restaurant for the first time in a long time due to us finally finding two baby sitters for our 2 little one. I was really enjoying myself and we ended up getting into a deep conversation when he said to me that he is going to start smoking cannabis again, I strongly disagreed with him as I'm dead against all drugs and will not let them near my children and he knows my feelings towards them all too well. We got home and he said he needs something as he can't deal with reality and needs a 'headon' and if he can't drink he needs to smoke once a month, I was absolutely devastated as he went off to get his weed. I cried my heart out as its a real big deal to me. The whole once a month thing certainly didn't last, he's smoked it every night since, even lending it off someone so is already getting into dept. I swore to him if he let's my children get effected by this it would be over but he said not to worry as he'd only do it in the nights and he isn't hurting anyone bcos we would be the only ones who knew about it. That also didn't last, he got up the other morning and smoked it before work, knowing that if he loses his job we get evicted from our home. I feel physically sick, we have two beautiful children, our youngest is only 3 months old and is our rainbow baby as last new years day I gave birth at 6 months pregnant whilst I was on my own at home with my son upstaires in bed and partner was out getting drunk, unfortunately my baby died as soon as he got to hospital and I suffered a very nasty hemmorage, we went on to have our little one who is perfect. Why is he doing this? I've been diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder following what happened with losing our baby but I deal with reality bcos my kids give me the strength too, he's got it easy, I get up in the mornings, feed bath and dress our children, get my eldest off to school, come home and clean the whole house, do the washing and ironing whilst looking after our 3 month old, then get my eldest from school do the feeding again, get them both in their jamas ready for bed whilst its only me that wakes up through the night with our little one, whilst my partner gets up, goes to work and comes home to a bath run for him, clean clothes folded for him food cooking for him, so why is he doing this? I couldn't do more if I physically tried I'm exhausted mentally and physically, don't get me wrong my babies are worth it but partners just adding this and I don't need it. What do I do? This is breaking my heart and my partner knows it I feel lost :(

OP posts:
Louboutin37 · 11/03/2015 21:19

Read this back to yourself. And ask yourself what you're getting from this relationship. Someone else will be along shortly to spell out the three letters you need to hear

PintofCiderPlease · 11/03/2015 21:36

He has told you who he is - he is someone who cannot deal with reality, and never will be.

Do you really want to be with someone who is scared of life and all that goes with it? If he is scared of life he will NEVER be there for you when it gets touch, because he will be stoned and hiding from reality.

namechangewontchange · 11/03/2015 22:00

I'm so sorry for your loss and reading what you went through is extremely sad. You have had to carry on while he escapes from reality. Have you got a support network such as friends and family around you as I imagine he has not been very supportive? Has he not thought about more appropriate ways of dealing with his issues such as councelling? If he is not willing to support his family by fixing himself then you really can't be expected to continue to put up with it. You are carrying the burden of everything while he selfishly slips away into lala land. I'm sorry I don't mean to sound harsh but he really needs to wake up.

SensationalGirl · 12/03/2015 04:17

Now is the time to pick yourself up and start planning a future without him.

What other choice do you have?

Vivacia · 12/03/2015 07:00

He treats you with contempt. He has no respect for your wishes or feelings. You behave like his servant and he treats you as on.
You allow a druggie in your children's home and he spends family money on drugs.

43percentburnt · 12/03/2015 07:00

I will keep it brief as about to go to work, Leave.

Good luck, you and your babies deserve so much better. Your life will be better without him. Find strength and carry through.

Isetan · 12/03/2015 07:49

This is who he is and always was, unsurprisingly parenthood didn't change him. It's time to stop hoping he will be different and start doing different.

Time to make your single parent status official.

Whocansay · 12/03/2015 08:00

The weed is more important to him than you or the children. He is a junkie. Get your kids the hell away from him. He doesn't want to change.

GoatsDoRoam · 12/03/2015 08:11

Why is he doing this?

Because he doesn't care about you.
You are bereaved, exhausted, stressed beyond belief, and doing all the work in the home.
A true partner would shoulder half that load for you.
This one just wants to add to your burden.

What do I do?

You leave him, my sweet. Because you do not deserve to be treated in such a heartbreaking way.

proudmummy2 · 12/03/2015 11:18

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support. I have suggested for my partner to go to counciling I have even suggested me going with him if he feels uncomfortable but he says he don't want to go and tell people 'his shit' x

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 12/03/2015 11:24

He is an addict and he needs treatment. If he cannot accept that and seek help for himself, well, I would not want my children to grow up with an addict for a parent, it's incredibly damaging to their mental health, let alone yours.

Al-anon or Narc-anon may be a good place for you to get support from others who have been through the same thing.

I think you need to leave this relationship. You cannot cure, control or change this man's addiction.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/03/2015 11:27

"he says he don't want to go and tell people 'his shit'"

Then nothing's going to change and this is as good as he's ever going to get. You deserve better.

hellsbellsmelons · 12/03/2015 11:36

Please re-read your original post.
Then read it again.
Then read it as if your DD was telling you she was going through this.
What would you tell your DD to do in this situation?

I do wonder what sort of relationship models you grew up with.

No-one, and I mean no-one should be treated the way he is treating you.
You are his slave.

I don't believe you are ready to leave (although you need to start making plans to get yourself and your DC way) so for now you need to put some things in place.

Stop having dinner cooking. FFS stop having a bath ready for him.
He's a grown man and very capable for turning 2 taps on and off!
I would also stop doing his washing and ironing.
Start detaching.

Get yourself to citizens advice and find out what you are entitled to. What you need to get away.
Housing benefit, child benefit etc.....
Then get onto the CSA (or what ever it is now) and find out how much maintenance he will be paying you.
Then contact Womens Aid and ask to attend their course called the 'Freedom Programme'
Go to your GP and ask to be referred for counselling for yourself. To understand why you are prepared to put up with a fuckwit loser like your DP. Learn to love yourself and know what you deserve. THIS is not it!

Then you can leave with DC in tow and find yourself a nice happy new life away from losers.

He's an addict. He will ALWAYS be an addict of some sort.
Just remember the 3 C's

You didn't Cause it
You can't Control it
You can't Cure it

It really is that simple.
Start making plans. Get your support network in place and get away.

SolidGoldBrass · 12/03/2015 12:14

He's not going to change his behaviour, because he doesn't want to. Some people really can't deal with unfiltered reality - if he did get professional help, he would probably be on ADs of some sort forever and that's not always the ideal solution.
Some people are simply too messed up to be good partners or parents, and the best thing to do is cut them loose. To be fair, it's possible that part of the reason for his starting to take drugs again may be grief over the loss of the baby... but then you are not drinking and drugging, are you?
Start doing your research so you can decide whether to throw him out or move out with DCs. Depending on whether he's the selfish bully type of addict or just the utterly useless one, he may disappear and be unrealiable about seeing DC - or he may make such a nuisance of himself that you will need non-molestation orders and restricted or supervised contact (it's always OK to reject contact if the man turns up drunk or drugged.)

You can do it. You will be much better when he's out of the picture as much as possible.

saturnvista · 12/03/2015 13:09

It doesn't sound very good, does it.

He may be depressed and need medication. That might ease these feelings of not being able to cope. But he would need to have a different attitude.

Is there a parent, mentor or wise friend around that he'd listen to? Anyone who has lost their family and mental health through doing what he's doing?

proudmummy2 · 12/03/2015 15:21

No I certainly don't touch drugs, and I only have a glass of wine on a Saturday night whilst doing the ironing.
There's no one he will listen to, his dad has tried talking to him previously but nothing came of that. His brother is only 30 and has got emphasimia ( if that's how you spell it) due to smoking cannabis and his step mum died through alcohol abuse, so I would've thought that would be enough to stop anybody doing it

OP posts:
Vivacia · 12/03/2015 15:22

I think you need to start considering what your plan is should he not change.

Because he's not going to change.

pocketsaviour · 12/03/2015 15:46

If he was brought up in a household with addiction, then it's not surprising that he doesn't see his behaviour as a problem.

That's not your responsibility or your fault. He can choose to stop smoking/drinking, you can't choose that for him. Everything that he's said indicates he's not ready to change (and may never be.)

I recommend re-reading hellsbells post above as she has some great practical advice on your next steps.

"I swore to him if he let's my children get effected by this it would be over" they are already being affected if he's smoking during the day when they're awake, they are seeing him stoned. You told him that this was a deal-breaker - you have to mean it.

proudmummy2 · 12/03/2015 20:11

I know what you are all saying and I know what i have to do but I'm so scared :( I haven't told anyone what's going on bcos hes told me not to, so everyday when he is outside doing his thing I really hope that someone would come and catch him in the act so they could defend me, sounds pathetic I know :(

OP posts:
Vivacia · 12/03/2015 20:19

I know it's scary. That's natural and normal. But scary's not a reason to continue accepting this for you and your children.

Let me ask you this, which are your top three people that you'd love to come 'round and catch him?

proudmummy2 · 12/03/2015 20:25

Its real scary, just anyone my mum sister anyone at all to be honest x

OP posts:
Vivacia · 12/03/2015 20:31

Then start to make your exit plan. Tell your mum and sister, get their support.

You don't need any evidence. You don't need any reason to end the relationship other than "I want to".

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