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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hand holding needed

26 replies

Littlefluffyclouds81 · 11/03/2015 19:50

I'm in a mess.

Last Thursday I found out I was pg. I have only been with my bf for 4 months, we were using contraception, we are both baffled as to how it happened.

It's a complete disaster. I am booked in for a termination on Tuesday but I am dreading it. I know it's the right thing to do, I am studying for a degree, I have issues with my eldest daughter's mental health and she needs lots of extra attention and will do for the foreseeable, I don't have room for another child, I can't afford it, and my bf doesn't want kids and doesn't want to be involved if I had the baby. Also, I don't want any more kids either, I feel like I am just beginning to get some semblance of a life back and the thought of going back to square one feels me with dread.

So the only reason a termination is a bad idea is that I know it's going to mess my head up, it already is. I had a termination a few years ago and I felt awful about it for a long time, and since then I have had a mc. So there have been a lot of losses.

I am feeling really angry that I'm in this situation, both with myself and my boyfriend. He has been trying to be supportive but I am pushing him away and being horrible to him. I feel annoyed with him for not saying that he would be there for me if I had the baby, which is possibly irrational of me as to be honest it wouldn't have made the blindest bit of difference as keeping the baby would still have been the wrong thing to do, for me. He went to the cinema with his friend last night and said he would call me at 10.30pm, by 11pm he hadn't called, so I sent a stroppy text. He called 5 mins later but I didn't answer, I was too tired to talk to him. I was fuming that it was ok for him to go and have a nice time with his friend, and not even call me when he said he would, because I don't have the luxury of getting away from the nightmare in my head right now. He has a different view of abortion to me, he doesn't see it as a real baby yet, just some cells (I'm only 5 weeks), but he understands that I see it as a lot more than that.

I have tried to be proactive in finding a way of coping with this. I went to see a lecturer at uni on Monday who is a psychotherapist and usually really good at straightening my head out, but she just tried to talk me into keeping it, which wasn't helpful. I had counselling from the clinic today which was useless, the woman just kept saying "this is very hard for you" whilst I bawled my head off. I felt even worse afterwards.

I feel really alone. Can a relationship survive an abortion? And how the hell am I going to get through the next few days? I am worried about the procedure itself, I am having a GA, then I will have to come home and sort the kids out as usual on my own, and I really don't know how I'm going to do that. I don't have anyone nearby who will be able to help me.

Please don't be judgy, I feel shit enough as it is.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 11/03/2015 19:55

You're doing wonderfully. You've made the right decisions even though they're so hard. Keep going. You're right to seek help and support. Please keep trying to find the support you need and have a right to.

(In terms of your boyfriend I'd be tempted to email me him an edited version of your opening post).

Rjae · 11/03/2015 19:59

Could you ask for a medical termination as it's still so early. If the GA is worrying you. Nothing is very nice unfortunately,

Original poster
Littlefluffyclouds81 · 11/03/2015 20:00

Thank you. I just wish I knew what that support was. Maybe I should email my boyfriend, I have all intentions of being communicative and reasonable with him and then when I actually speak to him I feel angry, which I know isn't reasonable.

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlefluffyclouds81 · 11/03/2015 20:01

Rjae I think that would be worse, I'd rather just be knocked out and not know anything about it.

OP posts:
PontyGirl · 11/03/2015 20:04

I'm so sorry you're in this position. It sounds like you are doing what is best for you and you really need to hold onto that through all of this. It's not going to be nice or easy but if it is what is best for you then you should definitely do it. Virtual hand hold.

Handywoman · 11/03/2015 20:04

Massive hugs to you, OP. I think you need to spell out what you need from your bf right now and see if he steps up. You need looking after, and practical support. For example after a GA you will need someone to drive you home and put you on the sofa and make you a cup of tea. You will need lots and lots of real life hugs and TLC for a while. Do you have any close friends to step into the breach?

You are doing the right thing. I feel for you.

Original poster
Littlefluffyclouds81 · 11/03/2015 20:08

Thank you. He will drive me home but the problem is as it's such early days he doesn't know my dc yet, so he can't really help me once I'm home. I havent really told anyone in real life, I feel really ashamed of this and also I haven't lived in this area long so don't have any close friends nearby.

OP posts:
Handywoman · 11/03/2015 20:16

Is there someone on your course you could ask???

Is there a friend who would drive up from somewhere else, to assist?

If you were my friend and I could, I absolutely would. I would hate to think of you going through this then just being dropped home for the evening to continue as normal? Sad it's a huge, huge ask.

Original poster
Littlefluffyclouds81 · 11/03/2015 20:21

I can't really think of anyone :(

I could ask the girl who babysits for me to come and look after the kids and get them to bed. The only problem with that is that I then wouldn't be able to come home until 9pm, and I think I'm probably going to just want to come straight back. It might be a better option though.

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Original poster
Littlefluffyclouds81 · 11/03/2015 20:22

Most of my friends have dc of their own so it would be difficult for them to help me.

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Chippednailvarnish · 11/03/2015 20:26

My mum used to childmind for social services, she often had children at short notice when a parent needed medical treatment. Could you see your GP and ask for help?

Hope things go well for youFlowers

Original poster
Littlefluffyclouds81 · 11/03/2015 22:01

I'd rather not leave them with someone they don't know at all, as obviously that would flag up that something is going on and I obviously don't want them to know.

I was all ready for a good chat with my boyfriend, but he is in the pub, he had a really shit day at work which has kind of tipped him over the edge what with everything else, so he is getting leathered. Really could have done with a good sober chat with him tonight, especially as I didn't get to speak to him yesterday, but looks like that's not happening. He just hung up on me because he wanted to watch the next act (at an open mic night).

In the few minutes we did speak he said he had been getting really down about the whole situation, and that he was having a delayed reaction to it all. I asked him what that meant and he said he was really worried I wouldn't go through with the abortion. So it seems his worry is all about him. Then as an afterthought, after rattling on about his concerns for himself, he added that he was also worried about me and how this would affect our relationship.

Feel even more alone now.

OP posts:
Handywoman · 11/03/2015 22:26

I hope you both get to talk properly tomorrow.

Thanks
SensationalGirl · 12/03/2015 04:08

Can you get your babysitter to look after the kids and tell her you're getting a wisdom tooth pulled or something? That way your bf can drop you off home, all groggy and you put yourself to bed while she looks after the kids.

Chippednailvarnish · 12/03/2015 07:29

Do what you think is best for you and your DCs. You can deal with the bf later. You almost need to disregard his opinion until you are comfortable with the best course of action for you.

Original poster
Littlefluffyclouds81 · 12/03/2015 09:19

Sensationalgirl - the problem with lying about what I'm going to hospital for is that dd2 has a memory like an elephant and a big mouth, so she would definitely say something about it to my mum, who I don't want to know about this.

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 12/03/2015 14:31

Very tough situation for you but it sounds like you've made the right decision. Virtual hand-holding here and Brew and Flowers.

Original poster
Littlefluffyclouds81 · 12/03/2015 18:43

Thank you. Feeling a bit better today. Had a good chat with my boyfriend this morning and sorted things out, then we met up for lunch. I got a call from the clinic and they have changed my appointment time to Monday. Not looking forward to it one little bit.

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Vivacia · 12/03/2015 19:10

Have you told him, clearly and specifically, what you need from him?

I'm glad you're feeling a little bit better.

Original poster
Littlefluffyclouds81 · 12/03/2015 22:54

Yes I have, I sent him some ranty texts last night which in hindsight may have been a bit over the top. He is trying, I know I am not making it easy for him.

Just found out today that one of my closest friends is pg, literally we were due to come on within day of eachother so that's made me feel really sad (happy for her, but sad that I'm not in a position to keep my baby).

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Original poster
Littlefluffyclouds81 · 13/03/2015 13:25

I'm having another wobble today. I have a bump (I always get one really quickly when I'm pg) and I'm sat here looking at it and getting really upset about what I'm going to do on Monday.

I don't want a baby and for lots of reasons it would be a bad idea, but is that any justification for an abortion? If i had the baby I would cope, although it would be really hard, on me and my existing dc.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 13/03/2015 13:44

The only justification needed is "I don't want a pregnancy now".

Lottapianos · 13/03/2015 13:50

'I don't want a baby and for lots of reasons it would be a bad idea, but is that any justification for an abortion? '

Of course it is Little. You have lots of excellent reasons for having an abortion right now. Your first duty is to yourself and your other children. 'I don't want this right now' is all the reason you need.

Its a very stressful situtation when you know that you're doing the right thing, but your gut tells you its more complicated than that. It's perfectly fine and normal to feel all sorts of things at once. I would absolutely do the same in your situation, but I also understand how you are experiencing this as a loss. It makes sense that you would be feeling both very sad and very angry. Big hand hold for you x

Original poster
Littlefluffyclouds81 · 13/03/2015 14:33

Thank you. You're right, I just feel so shitty about it all. And to make matters even worse, another very close friend has just found out she is pg. the universe seems intent on making this as hard as possible for me.

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Original poster
Littlefluffyclouds81 · 15/03/2015 22:44

The abortion is tomorrow and I'm in bits. I'm sobbing my heart out and shaking.

OP posts: