I'm a mess

[Gutted10]

I honestly don't know where to start with all this, it's probably going to be long so apologies in advance but I just need to get this all down.

I left my marriage of 13 years as we had grown apart, I didn't love him anymore, no intimacy and he could be quite financially controlling. I'm currently living at my parents with my children while my divorce is going through. While married, just before I left, I had a one week affair which I deeply regretted and finished but he had other ideas and decided to stalk me via text messages, threatening me, driving past me on the school run, just constantly bombarding me with messages. After repeatedly telling him to leave me alone (after trying to be gentle and apologetic) I stopped responding to messages, he didn't stop though so I went to the police and they spoke to him, I still fear seeing him around as he lives near to me. I don't even go into my town as he scares me. I left my marriage and quickly got into another relationship. He was completely different from my husband. Very passionate, volatile and possessive (I would be accused of eyeing men up if I glanced out of the car window). I found him very hard to deal with. I was having a hard time from my husband, crippling guilt with regards to my children for breaking up the family unit, fear of the OM and grief from bf. I reached rock bottom. I took an overdose, very serious amount of tablets. I'm so ashamed about this.

I recovered (physically but not mentally) and carried on seeing bf. 2 months after my od he hit me when he was drunk. Over the course of 18 months he did it on 4 more occasions, always when he'd been drinking. He didn't like my friends as he didn't feel they made an effort with him but we never went out anyway. He liked my parents but took against my brother. Nothing was ever his fault, if he had a falling out with someone it was always their fault. He's got no friends although he moved here from his hometown around 8 years ago so fair enough.

We had a row this weekend. No contact until today when I called him. He was very dismissive and didn't want to talk so I said I'd give his house keys back to him. Apparently I make him miserable and he's had enough. I honestly gave him everything I could, not just emotionally but financially as well. I even brought his children Christmas presents on my credit card as he couldn't afford it. I always looked after them on a Sunday so he could go to the pub while cooking us all a roast.

So here I am, fast approaching 40, no job (I'm on ESA due to depression and anxiety), living at my parents with my children, going through a divorce, absolutely petrified for the future and how I'm going to provide for my children, huge guilt about the od, and missing someone that quite frankly had me walking on eggshells but drawn to him in a way that I've never experienced before. I stopped taking my antidepressants because it (sorry if tmi) prevented me from orgasming and I didn't want him to think I didn't fancy him, god that sounds so pathetic doesn't it :(

Everything is a mess. I'm not suicidal but I'm a rock bottom. I feel like a frightened little girl.

Just read through my post, what an utterly self absorbed, selfish thing to write but this is my life as it is and I'm so ashamed of myself. My poor children, what a role model I am. Obviously they don't know any of this only that me and their dad split up but I hate myself right now.

Thank you if you've read this far. Not sure what I'm asking it's just that I can't bring myself to admit all of this in real life. I've got great friends and a lovely supportive family, they know bits but not the stalking, violence etc. I just feel so alone. I've made an appt with my dr but can't see her until 8th April.

Well you really don't need a BF like that.

Maybe you should look at having some time out and concentrate on yourself and your kid for a bit.

We all know it's nice to have someone to share life with but there are times you just need to be on your own.

Be strong and things will sort themselves out.

I'm very sorry you are going through this. I feel for you, I really do. The bf saying he has had enough is probably the best thing that can happen right now even though it probably feels the opposite. You need time on your own with your children to heal. You have just come out of a long term relationship and should really be concentrating on yourself, getting to know you again. Having a bf like that who is also violent is just going to crush you and set you back. Please look after yourself and be kind as you would be kind to a friend. Give his keys back, delete his number, cut him off completely and start again. Don't accept being treated like that anymore. You are worth so much more and should remember that you are a fantastic woman and mother. Stay strong x

Thank you for responding. Yes you're right, I do need time on my own and to concentrate on my children. I just needed to put this all down. I just feel like such a failure.

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. If you're meant to be on medication, please go back to your GP and tell them that you're struggling. 8th April appointment is no good. Call back and tell them you are a medical emergency - because you are - and go along tomorrow. You need to be stabilised medically, I think, in order to keep the rest in perspective.

I think you also need to talk to someone you can trust. I don't know who that would be and I know it's going to be difficult but there are few things more isolating than believing you have to cope with trauma alone. You are a survivor of what sounds like horrendous DV and by rights he should be investigated by the police because he is a dangerous man.

You are a good example to your children because you have rejected three poor partners now.

Name - sorry as I posted my reply to Fuzzy I hadn't realised you had responded as well. Thank you for that lovely message. I won't contact him again but he lives near me as well. It's just such a mess. It's helped to put this down though. I know I need to be strong it just feels so hard right now.

Hello, you don't sound selfish or self-absorbed at all! You have obviously had a horrible time in the last year(?) or so and it's no wonder you're reeling under the strain.

Have you confided in any of your friends (you know, the ones your BF didn't like!) It sounds like you could do with some real-life support and a shoulder to cry on. Are your parents supportive emotionally as well as practically?

I also totally agree with Cog, get back onto the GP and request an emergency appointment. 4 weeks is ridiculous. They should re-assess your medication and also hopefully refer you for some counselling. Have you had any follow-ups with the psych team following your OD?

I know its hard but you will get to a better place one day and look back on this and realise how vulnerable you were at the time. You may feel like a failure right now but you are not. You managed to get this far with a child/children in tow so concentrate on the positives. You are a champion x

Cogito - thank you for your message. I'm worried about telling the dr that I've stopped taking my medication. I'm definitely not suicidal just at rock bottom. I'm too scared to tell a friend about the dv. He has previously been in prison (years ago) for violence (against men not women). I thought that everyone deserves a chance, he told me about his past. Thing is once it happened I was too far in. God how weak am I? :(

I know easier said than done but you really do need to believe in yourself

Do you feel able to keep this thread going as you make you steps towards freedom and a 'better you'?

MN is available at all times of night - there is always someone here.

Do you feel able to speak to Women's Aid?

Read this page about what they do / can help with: www.womensaid.org.uk/page.asp?section=0001000100190002&sectionTitle=What+we+believe

Pocket - thank you. My friends are fantastic, they're friends from school and we're very close. I just can't tell them about the violence but it know they're there for me. My mum is there emotionally as well but I wouldn't want to worry her even further by unloading as she's approaching 70 and she shouldn't have to shoulder this. I feel so ashamed.

Name - thank you, you're right I am vulnerable. I feel it. I would just love to fast forward a year and hopefully be in a better place.

Sadwidow - sorry I keep responding to messages and then see one that was posted as I was writing my response. I'm on my phone so it's taking a while. I wouldn't want anyone thinking that I was ignoring their messages when they've kindly taken time to read my mammoth post and offer advice. Thank you for that link, I'll have a read of it.

Never ever worry that anyone on MN will think you are not responding in 'an appropriate time'. Do things at your own pace.

You will read some posts that will send you into tears when someone empathises with your journey. You will need time to reflect if someone suggests some reading.

This thread is YOURS. People will check in to see how you are coping. But that is no pressure.

We are simply here for you.

Poor you, what a shit time you've been having. Try to be kind to yourself, don't keep calling yourself sad or pathetic etc, I often say this, but try to treat yourself with the care and compassion and kindness that you'd treat a friend in the same situation, we're all so much better at being gentle to others than ourselves, maybe time to learn that skill a little better?
Definitely call Docor back or just turn up first thing tomorrow and be forceful that you need an emergency appointment, you may have to wait a while, but they should see you, and getting back on your meds is an urgent need, especially with a previous od, they should be offering you support when you need it, but you do need to be clear and firm in asking for it.
Things will get better, promise, you need time with you and your kids, people talk of the freedom programme with WA, maybe you could go along to that to get support around better relationships in future? Be gentle to yourself x

Doctors are not easily offended or shocked IME. They're simply concerned with your health and they want the best for you. Don't let embarrassment prevent you from going back.

You're not weak to think all a violent man needed was a bit of love and compassion. However, you've learned a harsh lesson that some people just don't deserve second chances.

Please tell someone about the violence. It doesn't have to be a friend. You can write it down here or you might find it useful to talk to Womens Aid 0808 2000 247. They have heard stories like yours before and they'll be able to give you some good advice and assure you that none of what happened is your fault. I'm sure your friends and family would say exactly the same thing, incidentally. Let people help you.

This is your time now. Your priorities are to get well, be calm, look after yourself and your children. So please bring forward that GP appointment. You're suffering and you need attention

don't ever be scared of telling your doctor you came off the meds, if they don't know they cant help you. they wont shout at you - they'll help you get back onto them at your own pace :)

my DM came out of an EA marriage recently and was terrified of people knowing, pride is a great, wonderful, awful thing! MN is here for those moments, when your mask slips and you just need to break down - this is where you can turn :)

I'm probably the least qualified person to advise you, but I just wanted to say that if you have reached rock bottom (as you have twice said) then the only way from here is up. Presumably you and your children are safe at your parents' so use that as a starting point to regroup and move on. Get your meds sorted out, settle your children and then settle yourself before you rebuild your life. The people on this board are amazing and will advise you at each stage. They will advise you to take the next step only when you are ready, so move at your own pace. I wish you success.

Thank you all so much, I feel quite overwhelmed with your support and advice. Regarding the dr, when I called earlier today they said she's away and that was the earliest appt I could get. I feel comfortable with her and trust her, she saw me when I came out of hospital and has been great throughout everything, I just wouldn't want to start again with another dr, she's the one I want to see. I may call them tomorrow and say that I really need to see her and see if they could possibly move my appt forward.

As for Women's Aid, I could call them but do they pass on any details etc? I don't want them thinking I can't cope and get ss involved. I also don't want to get him into trouble or cause trouble for myself if he's reported. Sorry my head is a mess and I'm just trying to process everything. I'm just so tired. I'm going to have a sleep, the children are with their dad until after tea so I'm going to take the opportunity to lay down.

Womens Aid are a confidential service there to help female survivors of male abuse. Their number won't even appear on your itemised phone bill they are so security conscious. They won't tell you to do anything, report you to social services, tell the police or similar. Ask them about the Freedom Programme which is aimed at people like yourself

Enjoy your nap

Just to re-iterate, 24-hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline 0808 2000 247

Would it help you to look at The Freedom Programme online?

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

I think you need to have access to £10 on a credit/debit card.

Don't let the money be an issue though, we can sort it if you need help

Thank you all so much. Feeling totally exhausted and stupidly missing him. Why? I know it couldn't/wouldn't work long term but this need for him is so hard to shake. He's like an addiction.

I have tonight though had a big cuddle with my children and just chilled out with them and my parents.

I will look into the freedom programme. I know I need to move on, sort my life out, it just seems that there's so much coming at me from all different angles. I feel like I'm drowning. All of your advice and support has been so kind and helpful, I cannot thank you enough.

You will feel overwhelmed whilst it's all still fresh, allow yourself to grieve for what you wanted but didn't get and try not to be too hard on yourself. take things moment by moment, and you will find that at some point in not too distant future, you suddenly realise that youve had a few peaceful Moments without thinking of him / the situation / feeling overwhelmed, and then you'll know you're getting through it. In the meantime take deep breathes when the pain hits and get through it the best you can. WA May be the ideal place to start as they've so much experience they'll be able to help you sort it all out in your head and not feel so overwhelmed, and talking to others in similar situations could also help so do look at if is freedom programme near you x

Hey gutted

It sounds like you've ricochet from one abusive guy to another lovely I'm surprised you've had time to draw breath.

First off your not a failure you've been in a dark place and so your choices have been clouded. Someone showed you what you thought was an ounce of attention and affection and you hung on to it like a life raft. It's time now to let it go and allow him to float away, hopefully being at your parents allows you a safe harbour to start rebuilding your boundaries, confidence and self esteem.

Please accept that sometimes we make bad choices out of desperation and are entitled to fail occasionally, if we didn't we wouldn't learn anything. Please start to forgive, yourself accept that you for the moment are damaged and need some down time to heal.

There's no shame here you've been vulnerable and he sniffed you it out and used it against you . Please look into some counselling for yourself I'm biased about it I know, but only because I've seen at first hand how well it works.

Lean on your parents and friends if possible, and one day at a time, if there's no big decisions to be taken then fine don't make them let time take care of the rest.

Just checking in to see how gutted is doing.