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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why does MIL show no interest in our lives?

26 replies

pompompomy · 11/03/2015 14:03

but goes on and on about SIL and her family. We had a rare phone call from her yesterday to find out what dd wants for her birthday. I started telling her about what we have been up to and she interrupts me to tell me all about SIL her dh her dc etc. then finishes the conversation knowing nothing about our dc and my dh (her son)! This happens every time we see or speak to her. It is really upsetting and also making us feel resentful of SIL so effecting that relationship as well.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/03/2015 14:11

She's a crap conversationalist. Just tell her. 'Before we get started, did you call me to ask about the family or are you just going to go on about SIL as usual?'.... Take the wind out of her sails.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/03/2015 14:14

What has your DH said about all this?.

How does your DH get along with his mother nowadays or does he not want anything really to do with her now?.

How do you feel about the ways in which they have treated him?.

Your DHs sister (and so her family as well) has likely always been favoured and DH (and by turn you people his own family now) may well be the scapegoat in his family of origin.

I would further raise your boundaries with regards to his mother. You do not mention his dad; is he around still?.

Isetan · 11/03/2015 14:19

Have you asked her why she behaves this way? What is her relationship like with her son generally?

Ultimately, you can not make her act interested if she isnt. However, if her behaviour is upsetting you, then you can limit your exposure to it and you'll save yourself a lot of heartache by having a more realistic expectation of the woman.

Do not project your dissapointment in MIL onto SIL, that's unfair.

Original poster
pompompomy · 11/03/2015 14:27

I'd love to say that Cogito! Somehow though we just carry on like this so as not to upset her for some reason.

DH has no relationship with MIL really. She never comes to see us or asks about us - it is very much all about her. When we do talk it is about all her woes mainly and SIL's woes. Generally she is very negative. It is like she never bonded with DH and she acts like she has no interest in him at all. I find it so odd.

She is a widow - FIL died 16 years ago.

OP posts:
snickers251 · 11/03/2015 14:32

We have the same problem, we eventually stopped making an effort and we didn't see them for a year.

Sil and family are favourites at the moment but they felt like this a few years ago and decided to make more of an effort and now she can do no wrong. I can't be bothered with game playing, my family have enough love for all of us and my dh openly admits he would rather spend time with his inlaws than his own family, so don't feel like the dc are missing out on anything

Christmas makes me laugh, they act like it's one big happy family and say oh we must do more this year but it never happens

The only time mil contacts us is when she thinks fil is cheating Hmm

NightOwl17 · 11/03/2015 14:36

I have no advice as I am in exactly the same position as you. I could have written your post!

We have given up now. MIL shows no interest whatsoever in her DS or DGD, to the point where we would be talking about something we'd been up to & she'd actually cut us off mid sentence to say something about SIL or her other DGD.

Very rude but it's obvious she has no interest so there's no point in making her.

Original poster
pompompomy · 11/03/2015 14:38

Thanks snicker. MIL does that as well at Christmas - insists on everyone being together then clearly hating every minute of it - stressing out and shouting at us. The only reason she does it is so she can pretend to her friends/ acquaintances at church that she is such a great mother and grandmother.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/03/2015 14:39

She's probably a bit dense and thoughtless rather than being malicious when she talks about SIL. Maybe if you compare notes with SIL you'll find that she does nothing but talk about you!? Say something.... make it jokey or make it more pointed but say something

Original poster
pompompomy · 11/03/2015 14:41

Sorry X posted NightOwl. It is so hurtful I am just finding it so hard to let it go as is DH.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/03/2015 14:43

Pompompomy

Re your comment:-
"DH has no relationship with MIL really. She never comes to see us or asks about us - it is very much all about her. When we do talk it is about all her woes mainly and SIL's woes. Generally she is very negative. It is like she never bonded with DH and she acts like she has no interest in him at all. I find it so odd".

There's good reason in the above why your DH has no relationship with her these days. Are you really all that surprised that has happened?.

You need to ultimately follow your DHs lead on this and work towards having no contact with his mother. People from dysfunctional families like your DH's end up playing roles; his sister has always been more favoured and he was scapegoated. Its a dynamic that narcissistic mothers often employ. Its also all show and no substance
with such disordered people as well.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/03/2015 14:45

FOG - fear, obligation and guilt often still play a part in keeping such dysfunction going. You both need to completely break away from this dysfunctional family of origin dynamic where SIL is being so favoured.

Such people like his mother really do have no empathy and do not change. It would do you all a huge service to instead only spend time and effort on family and friends who enrich your lives rather than people who are negative and suck the very joy out of life itself.

Whiteandbrownrabbit · 11/03/2015 14:48

Oh I hate it when people interrupt like that

How do you actually stop the ole doing that

TheMoa · 11/03/2015 14:51

It's common enough for parents to not like or love all of their children.

Perhaps there really is no bond.

Some parents try hard to compensate, especially when their children are younger, but find it harder to feign interest in what feels to them like a clingy random adult.

I seriously doubt that there is anything you can do if your MIL genuinely isn't interested.

Original poster
pompompomy · 11/03/2015 14:52

That's really interesting Attila. Do you think she knows that she is behaving this way or does she think her behaviour is normal? I don't know how a mother could be so detached from their child.

OP posts:
derxa · 11/03/2015 15:39

pompompomy How horrible for you and DH. My brother was the Golden Child and I was the scapegoat. My brother died in an accident at 32 and did not have a family. However I fully realise that if that had not happened. his children would have been my parents' only focus. As it is my mother did her duty as gm but no more. She may have been consumed with grief as I was. However my advice is to encourage your DH to strengthen his relationship with his sister. Try to pity your MIL. She may be a very unhappy person and taking it out on you.

Fluffyears · 11/03/2015 20:11

It could be worse my mil needs to
Know every teeny tiny detail of our lives. She even prints copies of our holiday pictures for her own collection..,.OUR holiday pictures! She has called tonight 7 times since 6pm Confused it's exhausting!

Original poster
pompompomy · 12/03/2015 14:45

That's so funny Fluffy! Yes at least she doesn't interfere in our lives - she has no idea what we are up to.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 12/03/2015 16:43

Funny thing is, we thought that my dad and step mum flavoured my step sister and niece. It was only when my step sister and I were talking without our parent there that we both realised we felt the same, that the other was the flavoured one!

My DH had a big thing about his DSIS being the favourite, it was only as they took over FILs affairs (dementia) that they both felt the same.

I'm not saying that's how things are for you OP but I've found it interesting.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/03/2015 16:57

Hi Pompompomy

re your comment:-

"That's really interesting Attila. Do you think she knows that she is behaving this way or does she think her behaviour is normal?"

She thinks her behaviour is normal.

merrygoround51 · 12/03/2015 16:59

Its her daughter and she spends more time with her and has more insight into her life - give her a break

MrsFlannel · 12/03/2015 17:05

My MIL has been a bit like this since SIL had her baby. :( When we Skype, all she does is talk about the new baby even with my DC sitting there...she hardly talks to them any more and I am going to tell DH to have a word with her.

Merry it's not about "it's her daughter" it's about ALL her grandchildren!

JaniceJoplin · 12/03/2015 17:27

Maternal grandparent bonds are meant to be stronger as subconsciously / biologically there is a chance her sons child is not his. According to my mother that is ! I think IRL it's true sometimes

NormHonal · 12/03/2015 21:32

No advice, OP, going through similar here and I'm following a course of action along the lines of Attila's advice. ILs either haven't noticed we're not contacting them or aren't bothered.

It's sad, it hurts, but what else can you do?

CatsRule · 12/03/2015 21:32

My mil doesn't want to know dh (her son) or I (those words actually came out her mouth!) but wants our ds.

She is toxic and has done a lot of psychological damage to dh and is really not a good influence for any child.

She very much openly favours her daughter and her son in law. We hardly hear from her unless she wants something...usually to do with seeing our ds.

She wasn't the slightest bit interested in us prior to ds being born and if we didn't have ds she'd never see or speak to us!

stillenacht1 · 12/03/2015 21:37

Janis my DM says that too!