Trapped

[benefoots]

DH and I haven't been getting on for a long time.
Seems to be no love, respect for each other. No sex for over a year.
Both of us really unhappy. We have 2 children 12 and 10.
I just feel so trapped. I am a Sahm, no real qualifications.
We have a fairly big mortgage but some equity in the house.
I feel if we were to slipt up it would ruin our children's lives. He refuses to move out.
If we sold our house I couldn't afford to buy or even rent in this area. Which would mean children changing schools. They are both so happy where they are it would break their hearts.
I couldn't afford to support them. I have nobody to talk to.
I don't know what to do. I'm so unhappy and my children see me crying alot.
But they are my world and I would hate to disrupt their lives so much.
Anyone been in this situation? Is there a way out?
Thank you for reading

Whilst you have the security of a roof over your head and dh income could you not go back to college to retrain or university?

You can do an access course at college, this lasts a year and it gives an entry route to university.

Once at university there are a range of financial grants and loans that support single parents meaning it would be easily affordable.

It would also give you hope for the future.

That must be fairly soul destroying. Is there any chance you could take up some activity or get a part time job to make your time more fulfilling?

I feel like I'm too old to retrain and wouldn't know what to do. I am 45.
I have tried activities etc to keep me busy.
What I want most is a loving family life. We just seem to argue about everything now.
I dread him coming home to be honest.

I'd suggest you talk to a solicitor because a lot of your fears and obstacles seem to be based on assumptions rather than facts. See what your rights and responsibilities are, get a good idea of what the position might be with the house and finances, and start from there.

FWIW if your children are seeing you crying a lot their lives are already disrupted. They will be anxious, they might blame themselves and all kinds of other problems. Please don't assume that just because you live under the same roof, your children are having a nice childhood.

I agree with Cogito. Your DC would benefit more from having happy parents & growing up in a loving environment than continuing the current situation. They will be well aware of the tension in the house & children naturally blame themselves.

If you can't see a solicitor then go to the CAB for some advice about where you stand financially.

It is not fair on any of you to do nothing. You are only trapped if you let yourself be

Thank you for all your replies.
I guess I need to see a solicitor. How do I go about finding a good one?

I wouldn't know how to find a good one so no help there, sorry.

nobody asked.. do you want to be with your husband? if you tried couples counselling etc would you like to see a reconciliation.. or is separating from him deffo the way forward for you?

Ask your friends who handled their divorces. Check reviews on Yell, etc. Ring several and find out who does free half-hour consultations and book with all of them, then pick the one you like best.

I can assure you your kids will be happier spending time separately with a Mum and a Dad who are happy individuals, than living with an awful atmosphere of anger and misery and watching mum and dad sniping and arguing. You are basically teaching them that marriage is an absolute misery and you don't have a right to be happy. Surely you don't want that?

Personal recommendations are good but you can also find local solicitors via the Law Society website.

Truthfully I don't know if I want to be with him anymore.
I know this is a bad atmosphere for my children.
It would rip their lives apart though if we split. A huge change

Sometimes there is no 'good' option so you have to make a judgement and go for the 'least bad' option. In the case of your children the choices appear to be a very dysfunctional family environment where parents argue and mum is often crying .... or.... splitting their lives between two homes where neither parent is arguing or sobbing..... or..... (if you went the relationship counselling route) a less distressing home with parents who are obviously not affectionate with each other but who are not openly hostile either.

If there is no abuse it would be easier and better for you financially to fix the marriage. Are you both just really unhappy or is there abuse?

My advice won't be very popular but you are in your 40s, unskilled and no financial security. Even your dh would be better off working on the marriage. I'm not suggesting you put up and shut up. On the contrary I'm suggesting you both fight like hell to fix what is making you both unhappy. Try everything first, counseling, self help books, dating again. There was a time once when you both loved each other and made each other happy. Is it possible you could find your way back there again? Would he be willing to try?

If it doesn't work then you would know for certain you did everything possible to save your marriage. It will help you move on with your life.

There is no abuse. In actual fact DH can be very kind.
Just the silly arguments. We argue alot about his family. His dad is a bully and woman hater. DH will never stand up to him and is always after his approval.
I want my children to grow up in a loving family environment.
Sometimes I feel like it's him and his family against me.

Make sure you plan carefully.

For example, have you got any money (savings?) in your own name he cannot touch? An account just for you? Copies of his payslips/earnings accounts? Some men get vindictive and just cut off all access to cash when you mention the divorce word, best to be prepared.

The next step would be to start planning for some independence, take a course, do a part time job if you can find one (anything really, you will need recent references if you want to get back into the job market.

I was where you are 3 years ago, and things are better now, but I have a part time job and some savings (cash) in my name so I feel a heck of a lot less financially vulnerable.

Once I started focussing more on my own wellbeing (financial, emotional) and became more "selfish" (leaving DH more often with the kids, going out more) whilst DH had a massive think, job change and lifestyle change, things fell into place.

Somehow, respecting myself more and demanding things for ME that he always had (ie combining family and work, not always fancying cooking, thinking "fuck it that'll do" when cleaning the house, and demanding DH and DSs to pitch in a bit more) has made everything balanced again.

I had sort of lost myself. I was lucky to recover my old attitude!

good luck. Just start making small changes, step by step, not everything at once.

You've got over 21 years of working life left, stop making excuses and train to do something to get independence.

I'm about your age, I haven't been employed for 13 years and am currently doing profession exams towards qualifying in a good profession.

If you aren't working and aren't claiming then you can volunteer to get a foot on your chosen path.

There's no way I'm sitting back doing bugger all and trying to pass the time. That's no life and will be worse in a few years when your kids are pretty much independent.

Thank you baby that sounds really positive.
Maybe that is what I need?
DH does encourage me to do things, take a course etc but I have lost alot of confidence.
I really owe it to my children to make this work. I love them so much

joysmum would you mind me asking which profession you are going into?
Feel a bit old to start training.
Maybe if I sort my life out my marriage could work?

yes, carving out something for yourself is an important first step.

DOn't think the first thing you decide has to be "right", I mean how can you know if you don't try?

I started with a creative writing course and volunteering at a local sports club (some bar/bbq work), the creative writing wasn't for me, but hey, I lost nothing in trying something new. And I had a few fun stories to tell afterwards as well. I met some really nice people at the sports club 9where my kids go) and had a good laugh doing the bbq with some of the other parents (hard work, stinky clothes, but we brought some beers along and had a laugh as well).

Then I started telling people I was looking for a job, just spreading the word helped. through friends of friends I was asked to do some translation work. After half a year the company I worked for went bust! (architects, it's the economy). Anyway, it got me a recent work reference which I realised was essential when looking for a job. So even though it led to nothing it was still worthwhile.

I also joined a sports club for myself (tennis) and had 2 days a week where it was carved in stone that I went. If the kids had homework/clubs, DH and to deal with it. (DH has 3-4 events a week carved in stone for his hobby, so he could hardly complain. And actually, he did not complain. in my mind I and prepared all these arguments, but he was pleased I was doing more for myself.

Anyhow, then I landed another temporary job, badly paid and it's drying up (only did 3 hours last week) but it has helped my confidence and has given some practical, fresh experience.

Long story, with ups and downs! And more to come, surely. But it shook things up a bit and meant the DH and kids take me (a bit) less for granted.

You can feel terribly unappreciated and invisible as a SAHM, and you have to remind yourself you can change things. Your DH and DSs might like it if you do! (and if not? tough! They will learn to like it)

Just try something out.

baby
Thank you so much! Your story has really inspired me.
I know I need to sort a life out for myself. Whether I stay with my husband or not.
Well done you in your achievements and good luck

I agree with PP's who have suggested working on making yourself happier and also working on your relationship before you think about leaving. Good luck!

OP

Please don't think you're too old to retrain! You would be surprised at the age of people from both college and university. Yes there are lots of young people but there are also lots and lots of older people.

It really is worth a look.

Is there any career you would be interested in?

I come from a financial background. But don't have any real qualifications.
I've often dreamed of being an osteopath, but I think that takes years of training.
Then I swing to accounting. I really have no idea.
I suppose the longer I leave it the harder it will become to retrain
I can't even use a computer properly

Start with a course in computing then, the library or local college may offer courses.

Take it from there, one step at the time

There are LOADS of financial courses out there. You could start with an online distance learning course. Maybe something similar to what you did before. Improve your computer skills and build your confidence. Then maybe move on to a course where you are physically present with other people and have to be out of the house

My DM retrained in what she called 'book-keeping' in her fifties. She got a part-time job with a small local engineering firm supporting their accountant. She did that for a couple of years but got bored of it. Now she takes temp jobs for a few weeks or months, often with previous employers who are stuck (maternity leave, long term illness, someone breaks their leg, end of year overwhelm etc). After a while she stops work and does her own thing for a bit before going into another temp job. She's in her seventies.

This is why I love mumsnet!
Thank you everyone for all your lovely replies.
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