Jealous of DH's achievements... How can I stop?

[GreenWithMenvy]

In the last year I was supposed to get a Masters degree but I've cashed in my credits for a PGCert (which I feel is pretty much worthless) as I never finished the course, I gave birth to DS (our first baby) last summer and lost interest and motivation to continue with the degree. Meanwhile in that same period of time (i.e. In the last year) DH has had the following achievements:

• A new job
• TWO pay rises
• Big bonus due to high rating at work
• An excellence award at work
• Sent abroad on business due to being a promising employee
• Getting accepted onto a prestigious leadership program at work
• Won an international competition in his field including a prize trip abroad
• Won the same one again this year
• completed a Masters degree with Distinction

Wow, now I've written all that out I see how much of it is work related. I guess there's no way I could compete with that while being on Maternity leave... I know, the aim of a happy marriage is not to "compete" so not sure why I really chose those words...

Anwyay, I feel like a really shit person for feeling jealous, I'm a complete cow, he totally deserves it and works really hard, but every time he announces his latest success I just have a sinking feeling. I always give a big smile and congratulate him but inside I'm secretly rolling my eyes and thinking "really, another big achievement, it's not even a surprise anymore"... It feels like every week it's another big achievement.

I can't believe I feel negatively about it because his success helps both of us, and I want him to do well in his career, I wouldn't want to be married to a loser who never achieves anything in life so why can't I feel genuinely proud instead of jealous... I suppose I do feel proud when I tell friends and family but I wish I had my own success story to tell.

How can I overcome this pathetic jealousy?

Hello - it sounds like you want to go back to work! Arrange some childcare and off you hop. You're ambitious. More ambitious than you gave yourself credit for, is what you're discovering.

I don't think you are jealous of his achievements per se, which are seriously impressive, but jealous of his drive, enthusiasm and ambition to get there. You were probably equals once but now he has forged ahead while you feel stuck. Perhaps he had the baby-less freedom to get there.

I sense you have lost your own career drive and intellectual ambition in the whole post birth and baby haze. You have lost a sense of yourself. I agree with the pp that you probably need to get back to work and rediscover your niche.

I'd flip this on its head. You actually do have your own success story and it's a beautiful baby. That's a massive achievement, it's not easy and it's something you can be genuinely proud of.

So

Are you shown appreciation for your success? Do the people around you encourage you and make you feel what you do is worthwhile? Do the people around you facilitate your future ambitions like getting your Masters, other qualifications or returning to the workplace? Are you feeling jealous purely in isolation, is it because your career is not working out as you planned, or is it a reflection of feeling overlooked and unappreciated?

BTW.... I note the word 'abroad' features a few times in the list of your DH's successes. Are you invited on these jollies as well or are you expected to wait home with the baby? You say his success helps both of you but do you really mean that?

Jealousy is a negative emotion, usually accompanied by wishing the object of jealousy would fail in some way.

That doesn't sound like you , OP.

It sounds to me that you are envious which is slightly different, in that usually it is accompanied by the envious person wanting a piece of the action; envy can spur you on .

Why not use this time to reassess, recalibrate. Consider what it is you want to achieve. Work out how to do that.

Thank you. Yes, I'm going back to work in a couple of weeks after 10 months of mat leave... I don't think I'll ever reach DH's heights of success but hopefully I'll at least be good at the job. I should point out that we work for the same company in almost the same area so it's a bit too easy for me to compare our two careers and see how mine falls short after starting off equal, especially after having a baby. I am going back 3 days a week so as long as I'm part time, I don't think I'll be climbing the ladder! Having said that, I wouldn't want to do more yet, I want to be around for DS for a while.

Cogito No I don't get to join him on his business travels I usually try and plan something fun for myself when he's away so I don't have to sit at home feeling crap and lonely. Okay he's only been abroad twice and a few day trips within the UK but considering I'm the one with the wanderlust it does make me a bit jealous! When I say his success helps us all, I mean our shared finances and future prospects. I guess having a successful husband gives me the option to work less in the future if we have more children...

I tink you're right, WordFactory, envy is probably the better description, I don't wish him to fail, I just feel a bit "why can't it be my turn to have the bit accolade!"

I hope things go well when I return to work otherwise I'll be feeling even worse! I've also been taking guitar lessons so I have something to work on in my spare time other than just baby stuff, DH has hobbies but I don't have much in that sense either.

I am not sure how helpful it is to tell the OP that her baby is an achievement! It is HIS baby too, so the baby is also his achievement … on top of all the others that the OP is bothered about!

My advice is of the tough love variety: put on your big girl's blouse OP. You did not have to cash in your credits for a worthless Post-gradCert, you did not have to give up the Masters. You admit yourself that you did not feel motivated. So effectively, your sour and negative feelings are being directed at your husband for feeling what you do not feel in yourself, for being driven and ambitious.

How about reconsidering the Masters, or as someone said above, getting back to work as soon as you can and set some goals for yourself. Find that drive OP, don't feel jealous of your husband for having it. On the bright side, you have made a BIG step by recognising the feelings and wanting to address them, so good luck to you, enjoy your baby, your husband's success, and I hope, very soon, your own!

Can totally relate to this. I was the main earner and the one with the career before I was made redundant, fell pregnant and MIL suffered a heart attack which she died from 6 months later.

DH has gone from being trade, to being regional manager for the leading company in his field whilst I didn't return to employment.

I'm so proud of him but feel like I've got a lot of catch up to do to even get me to the promise of before, let alone surpass and exceed my previous career.

Doesn't help that I don't able to invest in my career as he has with his but I'm retraining for a professional career with a view to getting round that by setting up for myself to give him the flexibility he needs for his role.

Your DH didn't grow an ENTIRE PERSON though did he

I think you need to really start owning your decisions a bit. You could go back full-time and really dedicate yourself to getting ahead at work, perhaps finish the MA, etc.... but as you say, you are only going back 3 days as you want to spend time with DC, you are resigned to not being able to climb the ladder, and you may work less in future when you have more DC.

To be clear there is nothing wrong with that at all but obviously there is a tradeoff, which is not having the same kind of tangible successes as your DH. So I think to get rid of the jealousy you need to really come to peace with your decisions. I can completely understand why you're envious but it's not a healthy state of mind for either of you, so you need to work on it.

What Joysmum said is v similar to me. I do understand how you feel OP. I was marginally the higher earner and the more successful of DH and me in a related but separate profession. We worked in the City and I loved my job.

Then I was made redundant while pregnant with DC1 and my specialism was decimated by the recession so I couldn't get a job for love nor money, esp pregnant! All the while DH got a massive promotion, pay rise and was garlanded with praise, lavish overseas conferences and features in the trade press. I loved my DS butI was at home and dependent with a sleepless reflux baby while DH got all the praise. With still no job in sight I got pregnant again. He had all the freedom. No one thanked me for doing the housework and I was fat and covered in baby sick.

Im back at work now and recovering my ambition. I doubt I'll ever scale the heights DH has, but I'm myself and not envious My advice is when you go back to work to not take all the responsibility for childcare and compromising. Your career should be regarded as important too. You'll only continue to feel resentment if it is always you putting your DS first while your DH continues as he is, knowing you'll always pick up the family pieces for him so he can soar free with his career

"I am not sure how helpful it is to tell the OP that her baby is an achievement!"

That's my point entirely. People like you often dismiss motherhood, childbirth and domestic stuff as something and nothing. If the OP is with people who also think it's no big deal and not an achievement, if she is unappreciated, that can add to feelings of being left behind on the starting blocks.

I agree with Daemon.

And I don't think anyone is saying that looking after a baby is not valuable or legitimate, of course it is, it's just that having a baby isn't an 'achievement' in itself.

Having a baby is a big deal for us individually and personally but not something we should expect to be patted on the back for.

It's wonderful and rewarding (sometimes!), but it's just a life choice.

On the contrary... I think women should be patted on the back, and more. I really hope the OP's husband is doing precisely that, showing appreciation, making her feel worthwhile and heaping praise on her for her domestic efforts. If the OP has been used to a challenging role in the workplace, regular appraisals, and positive feedback etc, they'll be missing the structure.

It's Mothers Day on Sunday... we shouldn't need a special day in order to show mothers appreciation.

People like you often dismiss motherhood, childbirth and domestic stuff as something and nothing

Not sure what people I am "like", or how I have dismissed motherhood, but I will let this slide as I would prefer to help the OP with her dilemma.

I get the sense from her that she would like to achieve beyond being a mother, and this is why she is looking forward to going back to work, she would like to achieve as PERSON in addition to the achievement of having as someone said "grown a whole person". :) I think that is perfectly fine that she wants to be a PERSON in her own right, as well as being a mother, and a person who is as successful and fulfilled in her work as her husband is in his.

Good luck with your return to work OP, and enjoy the guitar lessons too!

"achieve beyond being a mother"

There it is again... The OP is complaining that they are seeing their DH receiving rewards and pats on the back and they are feeling envious of his success. The implication is that she doesn't see what she does now -which includes 'being a mother' - as successful or worthwhile. If she was getting accolades, lots of money and foreign trips for her domestic skills there would be no reason for envy.

Given that the OP is planning to go back to work part-time and understands that her career ambitions may have to scaled back a little short-term I think it's important that she sees her domestic role as successful, worthwhile and worthy of praise... as well as... any paid work, guitar-playing efforts or anything else she chooses to do.

I see what you mean cogito

I work part time and dh is a high achiever. Whenever the kids achieve something he (nearly) always gives me a pat on the back and gives me credit for having supported them to reach their potential etc. when he travels for work he always thanks me for picking up his slack at home.

It makes a difference not to be taken for granted for doing the lions share of 'homemaking' and child rearing.

That's exactly what I mean BuildYourOwnSnowman. If contribution isn't equally valued and effort rewarded, it's very easy for resentment to creep in.

I can relate to some of what you are experiencing, GreenwithMenvy. My DP and I are both scientists. He has achieved far more in his career than I have. I do remember finding it very difficult when he was forging ahead and I wasn’t – especially in the early days when he had just overtaken me and before the gap really widened and I became inured to the disparity!

Not wishing to sound trite but it might help to broaden your definition of what you think constitutes success in life. It’s not just about the glittering prizes. Living in a self-consciously CV-oriented fashion and judging your worth by your achievements is a rather precarious way to live.

With a new baby, you have probably been living in a twilight zone of perpetual tiredness. But you are slowly returning to your old self and are feeling a bit restless. A return to part-time work sounds good - it might help you to feel more connected to the world.

You might even consider expanding your intellectual horizons by reigniting an interest in your old area of study, or by finding something new to explore. But whatever it is, do it because you love it, are curious to know more and because you would like the chance to think creatively and imaginatively in that field. Don’t do it to be a ‘success’ and compete with your DH.