Just feel so stupid

[turquoiseamethyst]

Writing out everything dH has done over the years I am actually shocked myself. I can't believe I put up with it or that i thought he loved me or that he was a good person.

He's evil and clever and so cunning. It's actually frightening doing a timeline of events. I'm only halfway through but I'm shaken and chilled.

Why was I so stupid?

You weren't stupid. Just a bit naive to him possibly. Love does funny things to people. I think it's just that you want so much to believe that your life and they are 'normal' that you convince yourself so. I've been there. Now, when I think about what my children saw because of their father, I cry at what they've suffered.

Been with dh for 4 years and sometimes I have to pinch myself that life is so different and good.

Because it's probably the first time you've looked at all his actions as a "whole" instead of as separate incidents?

Because you look for the positive in people?

Because you tend to make excuses for his behaviour in individual increments - such as he's tired, he's hungry, he's had a bad day?

Because sometimes you blame yourself for his behaviour - I'm being too critical or judgemental, too sensitive?

Because you (and he) have minimised the behaviour in your head to normalise it?

Because it's been a long term behaviour process that you gradually grow used to as your boundaries get moved further and further from normal?

So many reasons really, and none of them criticising you, by the way!!

The point isn't why though... it's what are you going to do now?

Not stupid. Manipulated. If someone is evil, clever and cunning & if you are not, it's astonishing just how much they can get away with. It's how con-artists swindle old ladies out of their life savings. It's also how radio personalities abuse children in a hospital for years without being challenged.

I think being in an abusive relationship has a hypnotic quality. Given enough scope and enough repetition of the same lies they can convince you black is white. Pull away and, after a while, the effect wears off.... you start to see things as they really are and, as you're finding, it can be a real shock

Do you have anyone to support you through this process? Friends? Family? Therapy?

Alice so true - in writing them out I notice there are months between incidents and have to remind myself that between February and may he was probably really nice.

It's written out as a whole it's shocking as I see the patterns ... It's horrible

That's so true cogito. But one of the things he did which has become clear to me now is isolate me from friends. He was always so awful to and about them.

My family are dead

Are you still together?

You are NOT stupid.

Manipulators are just very good at what they do, and you were susceptible to it. It may mean that you have to learn how to protect your own interests more, but that is not the same thing as being stupid. (everybody has to learn the things they don't know, and this was just a particularly harsh life lesson)

Because you're nice.

That's why i was so stupid too.

I remember doing the timeline, suddenly it all makes sense.

Being taken in by a bastard just means that you are a good and trusting person. Now you've seen the truth, don't take any more of the blame. The blame belongs with the bastard, not the nice person.

Thanks :)

Cogito I asked him to leave last month; we've been married over a decade. The solicitor told me to write everything down, it's taken me all morning.

I can't believe reading it how stupid I've been. I know nice is there too but mostly stupid.

No love, not stupid. It's taken me many months to realise I was everything everyone has already said but that one thing I WASN'T was stupid.

In fact you will have many skills you've developed while living with an abuser.

It is enormously frightening to face it head on, as a whole, but it is worth it. You'll have such support here on mn.

Good luck.

Because if you're a reasonable, honest and half-decent person, your natural instinct is to expect the same in others? You see the bad things they do through the filter of how you would behave yourself / how you feel about things and assume they are positively motivated too.

DON'T feel stupid, just feel glad you're now aware and take steps to protect yourself from further harm. Be kind to yourself, because betrayal like this takes some recovering from. But nasty people like this are the exception not the rule and you will love and trust again.

Maybe what would help is to think of it that 'feeling stupid' ... i.e. duped, conned, deceived, betrayed, exploited.... is not the same as 'being stupid'?

Honestly it's just awful.

He's evil. I'm sick that I let him get close to me.

You said earlier that he isolated you from friends and I'm worried that you're going through this revelatory experience all by yourself. It is horrible to really sit down and force yourself to think of all the bad times. If it's upsetting you, take a break, go for a walk, have a .... don't feel you have to keep going, will you?

You're not stupid, you really aren't.

One of my closest friends is getting divorced in similar circumstances. I can only tell you that her DH had me fooled, and my DH, and all their friends in fact, and his own siblings, plus their spouses, and his nieces, and his parents. Everyone is shellshocked. And yes, he played divide and rule with everyone too.

But he is the stupid one. Never being real or true with anyone. Even his (main) mistress has told him to take a hike. Better to be deceived than be a compulsive deceiver.

Cogito is right, don't push yourself to do it to the point you get really distressed.

Thanks, I want to do it but it's honestly left me reeling. It's like reading the script to a horror movie and it's my life.

You are being way way way too hard on yourself turquoise. It is absolutely what he intended that you lose yourself in the FOG. Apportion the blame where it is due - on him. He did not have to behave like that. He chose too. You did not choose to be abused. (Lundy Bancroft is good on this - Why does he do that)

You've taken a step back and can now see him for what he is. You are making moves to extricate yourself from him. These are MASSIVE things you are doing, by yourself because you know it is the right thing to do. don't underestimate the feat of what you are achieving here. Many women never escape.

You're not alone Turquoise it happens to plenty too many intelligent, thoughtful women. Ironically the qualities that make us most susceptible to being abused are overwhelmingly positive ones: being kind, loyal and trusting.

I had a patch where I referred to my "Soap Opera Life" - it just felt all too much to be real. But that helped me create distance between me and what was happening.

Cut ties, and put as much distance as you can between you both. You will be ok.

"It's like reading the script to a horror movie and it's my life."

Would sharing some of the edited highlights make it better or worse, do you think? FWIW I'm 20 years on from a relationship with an exceptionally manipulative man and, even now, I will remember some stupid thing I used to tolerate, shake my head and wonder WTF was I thinking...

I will cogito but not now; I feel shaken. It's like reliving it.

Sweet tea. I'm rubbish at nursing and the only thing I remember for feeling shocked and shaky is to drink sweet tea.

Perhaps rather than focusing on the negatives of your ex-relationship with him, you can counter your list with positives about your current situation. You know - focus on things around you now, goals that you want to set for yourself, and look to the future. Looking at the past to gain an insight is helpful, but dwelling on it is not IYSWIM.

That's really good advice from alice too. Once you've done as much as you can on your timeline today take some time to write the positives of now or yourself down otherwise the bad feelings can be overwhelming and you will dwell on those. A bit like watching something funny after watching a horror film always makes the horror film seem a little less scary.

Don't be hard on yourself, abusive people are very clever at manipulating those around them and as you say he left a lot of time between each incident. Enough time for you to process and internalise it before the next one

Thanks.

I had to write it in third-person, otherwise it was too much. I'm rewriting it now and I feel calmer about it. What's striking is how calculated everything is; he must have been slowly edging his way to - I don't even know.

In some ways it's hard finding the positives; I want to go back to 2004/2005 and walk then. Before children. Then I might have been able to do something. But I love my children.