Feel smothered by friend, not sure what to do

[PeppermintCrayon]

Sorry for the long post. I'm trying not to drip feed.

I have this friend who I've known for about ten years. When she lived in this country, we had the kind of friendship where we spoke reasonably regularly and met up every 2-3 months (didn't live in the same county so not in easy coffee grabbing distance).

I always found her a little intense, which isn't a criticism of her but a bit of a mismatch between our personalities. She dislikes superficial chat and wants to have lots of deep and meaningful conversations. Which seems exhausting to me. She is a lovely person but I could only really handle her in small doses. We have joked that it's because she's a Scorpio but she really is quite intense.

Then she emigrated. She knew some people in the new country but has had trouble making friends - nobody has quite stuck. She told me it's really difficult because she can tell instantly if she's going to get on with someone, she can't stand superficial people and she doesn't want to have superficial conversations as it's just fake and pointless. I tried to explain - gently! - that she may be coming off as super intense, that most people don't want to jump straight into an intense friendship, and that she should stop writing people off because they may introduce her to other people.

I said personally I would feel a bit smothered if I only had deep friendships as I need a variety. She asked if I ever felt smothered by her. It didn't feel like the right moment to say yes, because she was feeling upset about not having made new friends and I didn't know how to say it kindly. Also I need a lot of emotional space so I'm not sure how much it's her and how much it's me.

She has since got married and has a baby now. Shortly before she got pregnant, I told her about some health issues that meant we have had to put off TTC which was and is very upsetting. I was happy for her. But after she became a mum, she started saying things like: "Your life changes so much when you become a mum, you have no idea," telling me I didn't know what tiredness was as I didn't have a baby, that kind of thing. I felt for her, she was feeling isolated and hadn't made many 'mum friends', but it really upset me and I backed off from the friendship.

Last year, there was some conflict in the country where she lives. She sent me a passive aggressive email saying thanks for bothering to ask if she was okay and if one of her friends was in that situation she would have contacted them. I wrote back saying I hope she has known me long enough to know that I am a nice, caring person, if I hadn't got in touch perhaps it was because I didn't know what was happening and/or there was something going on with me, but thanks for assuming the best of me. I said actually I didn't know, I hadn't seen the news, and I'm also currently trying not to have a nervous breakdown while going through therapy to deal with some really awful stuff from my childhood that has left me with PTSD so this isn't a great time to have a go at me, sorry she felt like that but being passive aggressive isn't the way to handle it.

She was really understanding actually. But since then I have continued to feel really smothered by her and I don't know how to handle it. I don't know how much is actually her and how much is me if you see what I mean? She will message me quite often saying "How are you, I haven't heard from you in a while." Which would be fine once in a while, but she says it just a bit too often, when I don't think it's been a long time.

I feel quite pressurised to keep in touch with her, if I'm honest. I'm aware that she's feeling quite lonely and that she's currently going through some stuff of her own. I do care about her. But I feel we are kind of mismatched as friends and I just don't know how to handle it. If I am honest I would like to just quietly back off from the friendship - it's not that I don't care about her, and I don't mean to sound like a total cow. But my attempts to quietly back off didn't work as she just kept saying that she hadn't heard from me and I felt guilty ignoring her. We mainly communicate via What's App and if I'm honest my heart sinks when she pops up.

I don't know what to do. Drop her and feel like a total cow? Try to explain that I am not as intense and I need more space than she does? Or am I just being a total cow? I really don't mean to be.

You don't have to feel bad for letting the friendship go.

I tormented myself for months about being a cow for drifting from a friendship that was doing me no favours at all. Then a couple of weeks ago had a conversation with a friend who finally managed to help me see that this person's happiness is not my responsibility. I feel like a weight has lifted.

Just start to drift slowly. Don't be too abrupt about it, just gradually reply less frequently and have shorter conversations or she'll try and have a deep and meaningful about it!

Sorry, just realised you've said you tried to drift and it didn't work. I had exactly the same problem. But you've also identified that the obstacle was your feeling guilty. It was absolutely the same for me. In a conversation with my friend I let her know how busy my life is at the moment and then since then have let things drift and have let go of the guilt.

How are you, I haven't heard from you in a while.

'And I haven't heard from you. Works both ways doesn't it?'

I don't see why you would be a cow. When she asked if she was smothering you you should have said yes!

How about
'And I haven't heard from you apart from to tell me off for not contacting you. Works both ways doesn't it? To be honest, yes you are smothering and I am not really ok with this passive aggressive relationship so I think it is time to call it a day. I wish you every happiness but this isn't working for me.'

Then block her from your social networks and get on with other people.

I have lots of these deep meaningful people that come to our gardens and try to have deep meaningful conversations when I really just want to discuss when to plant onions. I call them Ego-warriors. They are so so dull! They think they know it all and talk about things forever, whereas I am a do-er. Once they are off site I do try not to invite them back. You can't fly straight into deep meaningful conversations from the get-go with everyone, and it is immature to think that you can.

this person's happiness is not my responsibility

Thank you. I had forgotten this.

I have been trying to drift and it feels like she is clinging more, which makes me feel horrible. It's a struggle to allow myself to be selfish or to put what I want first, as I feel like I'm not supposed to...

Sounded a bit martyr-ish there but actually attending to my own needs and wishes is something I've had to learn.

Yes I should have said she was smothering me when I had the chance! Thanks for all the advice. Blocking her feels harsh, but I definitely need to back off more effectively.

She doesn't even live in this country and you don't see her so I would have thought it would be really easy to drop this friendship either suddenly or gradually by not responding to texts. You are not getting anything from it. It migh help her move on and make friends where she is.

I still feel guilty about gradually dropping a 'friend' like this: it felt awful to have to pretend to like someone I really didn't like at all. We're no longer in touch and I am much happier for it, but I dread bumping in to her.

Looking back I think i used to be very intense and expect always to be involved in deep and meaningful conversations with the few friends I had.
This was partly due to me having a few issues at the time that i had no one else to talk about with, but mainly because i was more comfortable in that co-counselling type situation. i didn't know how to do small talk.

Its only as i've grown older and got myself sorted out more that I'm relaxed and seeming able to do small talk. The group of friends I mostly mix with now know very little about my background or past problems; i know little about theirs, but we have fun together. there's no need for major disclosure.

Decide what you want and take some small steps towards getting it. It doesn't sound like your friend is what you want, so stop giving her priority over your needs. Maybe tell her you're busy with starting up your placemat business, or whatever, so for her not to worry if she doesn't hear from you for a while, then let it drift.

I know what you mean Purple . The friend I've detached from I will see at some point as we have a mutual friend. When that time arrives I'll just have to put my big girl pants on and deal with the situation as pleasantly as possible whilst ensuring I don't reestablish further contact.

Come off WhatsApp for a bit? Then it won't be so easy for her to get in touch.

Thanks everyone.

I use what'sapp to keep in touch with local people and organise socialising etc so dont want to feel forced off it.

You were strong in your response to her passive aggressive email in the past.

You have it. You.

Email her and bring the friendship to a close. You have so much on, you don't feel you can even closely give to her what she wants from you, so rather than drag it out, you think best that you draw a line underneath it. Done.

You do NOT have to carry on with any relationship that has no value for you - that stresses you out, exhausts you, hurts you and puts you under pressure.

You do NOT need to feel guilty for ending a friendship that falls into this category.

There, you have your permission from Mumsnet!

As for how to deal with it (there was a very long, rather combative thread on AIBU about this that I was on) I would absolutely not feel you need to explain yourself if you would rather just go no contact and block her - after all her intensity (and aggression) is the main thing that puts you off her and you don't have the stomach or energy to get embroiled in a big emotional parting of ways.

I can see it from both sides. I'm ex pat and socially isolated, struggling hard with learning the language; and been on the receiving end of this sort of intrusive friendship once.

What do you actually want? to retain friendship with her but at a lower level? Or to not keep in contact at all?

• If you would like the friendship to stay but at a lower level, it might be worth trying to spell it out. That you like her but that sometimes you don't have the time to reply as quickly or as often as she likes, and that makes you feel pressured which is a pity in the circumstances as you don't want the friendship under strain. So you thought you'd say something to clear up that you do like talkign to her, but that your responses might be slow.

that gives you permission to answer her as and when you want, not feeling guilty.

• if you want to close the friendship, what enjoyingmycoffee said :)

I would come clean with her in a gentle way.

Tell her that she had asked once if you felt smothered by her, and that the answer was then, and still is "yes". Tell her that while you enjoy intense conversations once in a while, you really do prefer things to be kept light most of the time. You can say she is a lovely person (I assume she is in some way?) but that your friendship feels draining.

I guess saying all that could be really wounding but at the same time perhaps she needs to know. I was once told I chatter on too much and that it could be exhausting. It helped me to modify my behaviour for the better.

Block her on WhatsApp. If she calls her or emails you, tell her that you are having issues with your phone. Hopefully, she will take the hint.

"If she calls YOU", not her, obviously.

Actually, you responded aggressively to her passive-aggressive email, essentially pointing out you're not in a good place and YOU could do with HER support.

So, she's giving it to you, often checking in on you and asking about your life.

And now she's smothering you?

You honestly don't sound like a good friend to her.

I managed to end a draining friendship once almost by accident, after a rather awful evening when I suddenly blurted out at the end: 'Things like X you said earlier make me think we are not really compatible to be friends anymore'. She laughed, said 'let's forget about it', gave me a hug...and never contacted me again! I sent the odd email or Xmas card but she had clearly decided to go no contact from that day forth.

It was very strange because it was only during the course of seeing her that evening that I realised what a drain she was, despite me being incredibly supportive to her over the years. What had really got my goat was that for years she had talked about how awful it was for her to be single, feeling alone, feeling un-supported, nobody to turn to, nobody to rely on (although in fairness to her she had experienced two very traumatic events during that time) - she had even written letters to various friends saying how alone she felt and how unsupported by them she was, while these same friends were having first babies. I am fairly sure that she even once showed me a letter they had written in reply. Then, on in the night in question, during our conversation she revealed to me that she had had, all these years, what she felt was a serious, long-term, albeit on-off boyfriend and she just felt that their relationship was too private to talk to me about.... And I was of course !

It wasn't complete closure, because I would still like to call her out on her partial truths and possible attention-seeking narrative of herself, but it was probably as close to a clean break as you can get.

I think the truth about your feelings is probably the best way to go: 'I wish you very well but I feel that we are not very suited as close friends anymore, as we enjoy different things. All the best.'

Thank you all so much for your replies. I'm not sure what I want - I would have liked to retain the friendship at a lower level but I just don't think that's possible. I don't want to behave needlessly hurtfully either. And I definitely can't be arsed with lying about my phone not working.

I think spelling it out gently is indeed the way to go, as Meerka and Lula suggest.

^Actually, you responded aggressively to her passive-aggressive email, essentially pointing out you're not in a good place and YOU could do with HER support.

So, she's giving it to you, often checking in on you and asking about your life.

And now she's smothering you?^

I see why you might think this, but in my reply I didn't ask for her support. I said I was struggling, that there wasn't much of me to go around and I had kind of withdrawn while dealing with my 'stuff' so it wasn't personal that I hadn't been in touch - that I was struggling with some serious MH issues at the time.

And repeatedly telling me I haven't been in touch isn't supportive. Maybe I'm not a good friend to her but I don't think I am capable of being the kind of friend she wants.

In shock at MaybeDoctor's post. Bloody hell!

If the friendship makes you unhappy, it's fine to bring it to an end. It is clear you don't actually like this woman any more (I'm not saying that to make you feel bad, but it is). But do it kindly, it was a friendship after all and I can see why she might feel she is doing what you asked and supporting you based on your last email exchange.

It is funny, I have been wanting to get that out on MN for a while - nearly typed it on another thread about friendships. Clearly I too am still looking for validation that it was ok to end that friendship...

It is ok to do it, it really is.

I'd just tell her that you have a lot on your plate and you just don't have the time it takes to maintain a long distance friendship. You need to scale back the contact and wanted to let her know beforehand, so that she doesn't think she's done (or not done) something to upset you.

So basically, it's not you it's me (but really we both know it's you even though I'll deny it).