DH & DD Round 1...and I'm the referee

[WyrdByrd]

I always knew we'd reach this point.

DD is 10.5 and started puberty a while ago.
DH has no clue about girls (2 brothers, not very feminine mum) and very little patience for those tricky things called feelings sad .

For the last few days DD has been going on & on about a computer game she wants and tbh getting quite upset/stroppy about the fact it's expensive and she'll have to save for a fair while to get it.

Last night, after I'd got a bit frustrated with the whinging, she had a bath and a think & told me she realised she was a lucky girl to have lots of nice things and waiting/working for it wasn't so bad really...

...cue DH coming in & saying that actually she would have to wait until her birthday for it (September!) as we need to get out more & spend less time sofa bound with our heads in tech.

She was really upset and a row ensued, culminating in him saying 'do what you want, if you want to stay sat on your fat arse getting even fatter, that's up to you', upon which she, quite understandably shot up to her room in floods of tears.

(She is tall & genuinely well built - 5ft and size 6 shoes - also a little overweight. I have taken her to the GP who advised encouraging healthy eating & exercise and letting her 'grow into it' - not that that's relevant really imo)

I comforted her before going back downstairs & ripping DH a new one, and he has since apologised to her, but I can see this being the first of many rows where he just calls a spade a shovel & thinks it's no bad thing. His mother is the same - she had spoken to him earlier & he's always worse after they've been in contact.

He complains that I don't back him up but I won't do that if I think he's in the wrong (over the computer game, obviously not his revolting comment), I'll let him have his say to DD and discuss it with him later.

Any suggestions on how I can get through to him that there are ways of communicating with young girls and his is only going to lead to disaster? He is very dismissive of my opinions when he's riled and the chances of getting him to engage with, for instance "How to talk..." type books are vanishingly slim.

Oh dear, insensitive parents are the worst.

Get him to read threads on here from people who are still affected by things their parents said when younger.

I have no other ideas but please protect your Dd, she needs it now more than ever.

Re the disagreement about dealing with things, is there any way you could agree on a line for DD between you before talking to her.

Even if you say 'me and your dad will discuss this later and then let you know'. At least you will be a united front then to DD and it might help dh to vent his frustrations without saying harsh things to do.

'me and your dad will discuss this later and then let you know'

That's probably not a bad idea, although I have to admit it needles me that I should have to run every parenting decision by him first!

If I'm honest, DH and I are very different and not that great at communicating (I would say he is difficult to communicate with - if he doesn't hear what he wants to hear he loses patience very quickly), which probably doesn't help the overall situation.

The stupid thing is, I agree with him about the screen time - we all have far too much, and by saying to DD she would have to save up/earn the money for the game herself, she doesn't get it immediately anyway, so there was absolutely no need for any of it to happen.

I think if she's willing to do some chores/car booting to raise the money then she should be able to get her game. She even said she'd be happy to have screen time limits on when she can use it - he just goes so over the top.

I am still fuming this morning. I stayed upstairs and didn't speak to him again after he apologised to her last night, and tbh I could cheerfully hit him if he walked into the room right now.

Sorry but what your H said has got nothing to do with bing brought up in a non famine house- it's to do with him being an insensitive twit.

Telling anyone, male or female, that they have a fat backside is horrible.

If he doesn't learn to be less hurtful he's going to seriously alienate his dd.

He might be worried about her weight but you both have to sit down and talk about how you're both going to help your dd.

Sorry about typos!

*being
*feminine

Your DH body-shamed his own daughter.

That is revolting behaviour.

Your poor DD.

I have no softly-softly advice like books to read and stuff. I think he is a ghastly man who did something truly shit and damaging to a child his own child! and there should be consequences for his behaviour.

Getting an earful, for starters. And apologising to his daughter. As a very basic minimum. Then measures to make sure his "parenting" doesn't cause any more damage to his child.

You put it so much more politely than I would 'bakeoff'.

I think I was (and still am) doubly shocked as I am overweight myself and he has never, ever made an issue of it.

Obviously I want her to be happy and healthy - she is big for her age but in pretty good shape other than what I hope is a pubescent tummy. The thing is, she is never going to be a skinny minny - it's just not her body shape, so I fear that comments like that will be doubly damaging as she doesn't have a hope of changing how she's built.

Yes, what your husbansd said was cruel and nasty ...... do they normally have a good realtionship?
But you didn't back him up. You went up and comforted her, then ripped him a new one. The subtext to that is 'nasty Daddy, Mummy will protect you'

My husband was exactly the same - never seemed to realise my daughter wasn't six anymore. Personally, I waited until he was calm and ask how he would feel if you shouted something derogatory at him - something he was sensitive about - in front of his family or friends. Asked him if he wanted a realtionship with his daughter. Agreed I would back him in public, but lean over and tap him on the knee or the shoulder when he was escalating....
Worked for us, but I suppose it depends on your OH taking it on board. The fact he was willing to apologise suggestd he might!
Sorry if I'm calling a spade a gardening implement.......

I totally agree with your husbands stance on the computer game given your daughter already spends to much time on the computer by your own admission.

However I would go fucking loopy over the body shaming. We are going through the same with our daughter and been told the same by doctors. I've believed their was an issue since DD was a baby and I was told to feed till full but she never registered as full. Now she secret eats. It's so important to get the attitude right and then the rest becomes easier. So easy to say and do the wrong thing.

Calling a spade a spade, what you mean is, he s rude and self righteous with it. His vileness would have been equally disturbing if it was directed at a boy. Your assessment that he's clueless about parenting girls' is generous in the extreme.

You are not a ref and your job isn't to go around compensating for his poor parenting skills, he's supposed to be an adult FFS! However, you are responsible for limiting your childrens exposure to emotionally damaging behaviour. Given his upbringing, it's time he dealt with some of his issues, rather than repeating the cycle with his daughter. Ask him how he felt growing up and ask him if he wants the same relationship with his DD that he has with his mother.

You need to have a serious chat with this man and communicate some boundaries.

Having a sensible measures around tech is a good ideas but his poor communication slkills (spitting it out in an argument and coupling it with vile comments) is counter productive.

I think it's going to be difficult for him to curb his behaviour, without first addressing his relationship with his mother.

Joys - sorry you're having to deal with this too. Our situation escalated last year when DD started secret eating in response to being bullied at school (not weight related).

Whilst I agree with DH that we all need to cut back on screen time, DD is often using hers to learn programming, and isn't a complete couch potato. She usually plays tag or football at break, goes to a sports based club once a week, will do long walks and a bit of bike riding in the hols and loves swimming and body boarding in the summer!

Quite apart from all that I cannot see any justification for his comment last night. Perhaps strong words would be a better phrase than 'ripped him a new one'.

I missed your update about his personality in general.

It sounds like you've always anticipated the clash and now it's finally here, it's more disturbing than you imagined. Have you ever discussed parenting philosophies with him or stregies for dealing with specific situations I.e whinging

What a way to make a girl feel bad! He did not need to insult her, calling a very young female fat is awful. She should feel safe in her own home, not have her father needlessly insulting her.

Your poor daughter :(

this thread makes you think about what you say to your kids and how it affects them as far as weight is concerned.
Get him to read it!

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Is he dismissive of you generally?.

Does he actually want a relationship with his DD when she is an adult because he is certainly going the right way about not having that with her as an adult. Also your own relationship with her may well become harmed too; being a ref is not your job nor is over compensating for his poor parenting skills. If things continue the way they are she will likely leave home asap with infrequent to no visits back home.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents; look what he learnt from his mother. He is simply now passing on all that rubbish to his DD.

May I ask, and this is quite sensitive so be as oblique as you need to be OP, did your DD know what you were taking her to the GP for? How did you explain it to her? Did your husband agree / go along for the appointment / get defensive?

I can see how annoying it was of him to suddenly move the goal posts about the game when you and your dd had made real progress coming to a reasonable viewpoint about it. Not helpful at all, but forgivable as a misunderstanding of the exact situation. But the body shaming thing is AWFUL. Does he have any idea of how appalling that really was? He needs to know.

I told him in no uncertain terms that he going the right way about giving her body image issues & damaging his relationship with her.

He was stroppy & dismissive at first but I held my ground, told him he needed to speak to her & apologise and went to clean the kitchen.

Within two minutes he went upstairs, apologised & had a chat with her.

Attila yes, he can be dismissive & unpleasant with me. He can also be great - it's always been a bit of a rollercoaster relationship tbh and whilst I am very laid back, he seems to be fairly aware of where my boundaries lie. He is generally a good dad though & he and DD are pretty close.

While what your DH said was awful and he was right to apologise to your DD I understand that he might just not " get" ypur daughter, although he should certainly try harder.
My DH is a wonderful husband and father but he is totally unable to empathise with our 10 year old DD. He was brought up by his mum with lots of aunties and grandparents around and has a sister but he still can't " speak girl". He genuinely tries but she just baffles him.
If she has an issue rather than ask her about it or sympathise he just says " you need to do XYZ" or tells a story from his childhood that she doesn't see the relevance in. DH would hate to upset DD but he has by having no idea about what might or might not upset a 10 year old girl. He is a lovely man but does sometimes think that if something is true then it's not nasty to day it. I have largely cured him of this by pointing a few " true" things out myself!!
Point is, OP your DH should try harder and needs to be more sensitive but he might never really understand your DD. Some men can I'm sure but not all.

Did your DD know what you were taking her to the GP for? How did you explain it to her? Did your husband agree / go along for the appointment / get defensive?

Yes she did know. We had a chat about it in terms of healthy lifestyles and puberty. She is obviously aware that she is bigger than average because when we go clothes shopping she is in much bigger sizes than most of her contemporaries.

DH didn't really get involved but was not unsupportive or defensive at all.

Getting an earful, for starters. And apologising to his daughter.

He did get one and he did swiftly apologise.

I think it's going to be difficult for him to curb his behaviour, without first addressing his relationship with his mother.

I can't see that ever happening. He has no time for anything psychological, therapy etc. If I ask him even quite tame questions about his childhood he professes to not know/remember. Having had some myself last year I suspect he would benefit from Transactional Analysis - he seems to frequently fluctuate Jekyll & Hyde style between 'Parent' (wanting to be in charge) and 'Child' (when he's unsuccessful in that respect). Which is a shame, as when he's in 'Adult' mode, he's lovely.