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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you be hurt

20 replies

randomencounter · 10/03/2015 23:06

If your husband said he wouldn't care if you had sex with other people?

My husband said this to me recently, and reiterated when I asked him again. I asked him if it was some sort of sex fantasy, or if it meant that HE wanted to have sex with other people, and he says it isn't.

We have had problems with sex generally over the four years we have been together as he has a pretty low sex drive, but I feel really strange and hurt about him saying this. I don't know what to think.

OP posts:

CalleighDoodle · 10/03/2015 23:11

Does he want you to start swinging?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/03/2015 23:12

I'd be offended personally. Sounds like he's trying to outsource the intimacy in your marriage. You say he has a low sex drive but is he affectionate? caring? intimate? .... or just not interested in you generally?

Original poster

randomencounter · 10/03/2015 23:19

He doesn't want to start swinging.

Cogito - I said those exact words to him, and that is precisely how I am feeling.

He's not really very kind, to be honest. I have been feeling more and more that, recently. He was all over me when we first met.

He can go a week without touching me. Though we are not getting on at the moment anyway, this has really hurt me. It is like he is trying to 'outsource' intimacy like he gets someone else to do his shirts.

It makes me feel sad and ugly, but when
I told him so, he just said 'Well, it won't change. That's just how I feel. '

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/03/2015 23:26

If he's unkind, unpleasant, shows you no affection whatsoever and says he won't change, I'd say the marriage doesn't have much of a future. If you've only been together four years it may be best to cut your losses and make a fresh start.

Original poster

randomencounter · 10/03/2015 23:35

He is sometimes unkind. Mostly, though, he just seems oblivious to anyone else's needs. Especially mine. I just feel so sad that he wouldn't care if I slept with other people - that, to me, means he can't love me. And I am so confused by it all.

As I said, when we first met, he was all over me. Constantly texting me and calling me. Over time, though, I have noticed he has these obsessions, and then he loses interest. I feel a bit like one of them.

I admit that I have given him a hard time about the sex thing and have got very angry at times because it makes me feel ugly. It occured to me that might have been pushing him further away but I'm not sure. He was never that interested in it really. Thinking back, I just liked the fact that he was interested in me.

I don't really want to leave him and have all that upheaval as I am in my late thirties now and been married twice (first time was for ten years) but I can't help feeling short-changed.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 10/03/2015 23:35

Yes, cut your losses. You're with a man who has proven himself to be not nice, not affectionate and happy for you to shag others, ie "just leave me alone."

Are you financially OK?

Original poster

randomencounter · 10/03/2015 23:38

Imperial - I am financially OK as long as I am with him; unfortunately I have no access to his money and only have a part-time job without savings (he likes to spend...) and am in debt so I don't really know what I would do.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/03/2015 23:41

It doesn't sound confusing to me. Whatever it is he gets out of the relationship is enough for him. It's clearly not enough for you.

As 'rushing' is often a red flag I wonder.... how long did he spend with the intense period of texting and calling? How long after you met did you get married and how long after getting married did he lose interest in you?

If you're late thirties can you imagine living like this for the next 30+ years?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/03/2015 23:42

FFS... financially controlling, unpleasant and rejects you sexually as well??? Was marrying you cheaper than hiring a housekeeper or something?

Original poster

randomencounter · 10/03/2015 23:51

I honestly can't. I feel so angry and frustrated sometimes that it is unreal, but at the same time, I feel trapped. I think if I could afford a flat of my own somewhere, then I would go, even if it was just temporarily.

We got married last summer. I spoke to him about the fact that we had been together for over three years, and that I needed to know where things were going. He has since said that I 'pushed' him into getting married - I didn't, but I did explain that I hoped for a family and if he didn't want one, then I would like to find that.

Doesn't look like it is going to happen, though. Something definitely isn't right and I keep telling myself it isn't serious enough to leave and that I ought to lower my expectations, but then, maybe I shouldn't. I don't know that I want to be alone, and I am not attractive, so there is that. I am not terribly hopeful.

OP posts:

Original poster

randomencounter · 10/03/2015 23:56

I'm on antidepressants and seeing a counsellor now, because he thinks I am depressed. Though this whole situation is depressing, and I am wondering if I would be less depressed if he wasn't around...at least I wouldn't have anyone to reject me.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/03/2015 00:05

It is very serious. Your self-esteem is clearly low and every second you spend with this man it is getting lower and lower. You shouldn't be scrimping on your PT wages and in debt whilst he spends family money on himself. You shouldn't be told by a husband of just a few months that he'd rather you went out and got laid elsewhere because he can't be bothered. It's just adding insult to injury and it's crushing what's left of your confidence.

I think you should start working towards that flat of your own. Please go and see a solicitor. You're not entitled to much given that you've not been married long but you do have rights in the event of a split. There is various financial help available besides and your local housing authority may have emergency accommodation. CAB are a good resource.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/03/2015 00:07

You would certainly be less depressed if you didn't live with someone who subjects you to crappy treatment. Anti-depressants are not going to turn the man you married into a nice person.

SensationalGirl · 11/03/2015 04:03

It's bad enough to leave. It is absolutely bad enough to leave.

CoffeeBeanie · 11/03/2015 05:52

I would consider my marriage over if DH would reject me like yours does. Please pick up your self esteem off the floor and make plans to leave.

I'd also suspect an OW. He may have gone off you because he's obsessing about someone else now and gives you permission to have affairs to shut you up.

blueberrypie0112 · 11/03/2015 06:09

Does he have parents who cheated (and even forgave?) Maybe he just decides not to get too wrapped up in the possibility of his spouse cheating on him? There are some days (ONLY some days...others I do care) I feel I shouldn't care if my husband cheated because of my parents. But for the last 18 years with my husband , not once I cheated on him.

blueberrypie0112 · 11/03/2015 06:11

I just read your last post, I would not stay with this guy much longer.

thatwastheendofmytether · 11/03/2015 07:02

Anti depressants are not going to turn the man you married into a nice person

This is very important. You can't change him and he's told you he doesn't want to change so the only option left is for you to change. And there's two ways for that to happen too - you either change by getting more and more ground down or you change into a person who knows she's worth more than the scraps that this man is willing to offer.

So who's going to change? He WON'T. You CAN.

Time to dust yourself down and move on. Happy single is better than unhappy together, this much I know.

FoolishFay · 11/03/2015 07:15

It was said to me and we are now divorced. That was 10 years ago. He is a nice man, there never was another woman but it just wasn't important to him. It was to me. I was absolutely crushed and he couldn't see why. And that was the problem.

ImperialBlether · 12/03/2015 10:21

I really doubt you would need the ADs if you were living without him.

You married last year and you don't have children together. I can't see any reason for you to stay with him. Would you really want children together?

There are some really nice blokes out there - why stay with someone who is unkind and oblivious to your needs? Living alone would be far preferable.

Is there any way you can increase your hours at work? Have to checked to see whether you'd be entitled to any tax credits if you lived alone? How old are you? I'd go and live in a house share, in your position.

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