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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Finding freedom is so exhausting

7 replies

ninilegsintheair · 10/03/2015 22:41

So I'm finally (after years of being here, a fair few threads and a lot of handholding) getting out of my EA/FA/PA relationship. I'm doing my best to keep going but I've reached the point where I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel and I'm so tired I can barely get up in the morning.

The house is being sold although we're all still living in it. I know ideally he should be out but frankly he does little enough for DC as it is, he can at least be here some of the time and help out (somewhat reluctantly) with keeping the house tidy for viewings etc. He's playing a victim role and WANTS me to tell him to leave so he can play on it with mutual friends. We sleep apart. DC is young so hasn't been told and generally we manage to at least hold a decent conversation with DC in the room.

We're seeing a mediator, who has helped a bit. I've seen my own solicitor, who is fab. The split of the assets is a tricky bit (he is very financially controlling) and I'm going to have to tackle it more head on as with the split being 50:50 at the moment he'll have a lot more money from the house sale to play with than I will. He's also told me he's going to be going 'travelling' but hasn't elaborated. His subtle (and not so subtle) digs at me - like not emptying the dishwasher for example so I have to, are coming thick and fast and every day.

I'm just so so tired. I feel bored and pent up with nervous energy at the same time. I have an element of learned helplessness about my behaviour that I'm trying to get to grips with. I feel permanently in a fight-or-flight mode.

I know it's only a matter of time before this is all over but I keep waiting to hit rock bottom and instead its just a downwards spiral. For DC's sake I'm doing my best to keep going.

Add a big change at work leaving me with a new line manager who is eerily similar to my STBEX and I don't feel safe anywhere. I'm seeing my GP every few weeks and he keeps trying to sign me off with stress, which I've refused. It won't help at home and will make things worse with work.

I've told my closest family but they're not interested (and live too far away). I married a man like my Dad and my Mum has always excused him (and my husband) so they won't be of much help anyway. I have two close friends who know what's going on but I don't want to overburden them. I'm already aware that all I talk about is what's going on at home or at work.

I think he's stalking me on here but I will not change my name and be silenced.

Surely things will get better soon? Sad

OP posts:
Inexperiencedchick · 10/03/2015 22:50

hug and support, xxx

stay strong!

ninilegsintheair · 10/03/2015 23:05

Thanks chick. Smile

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/03/2015 23:07

If he WANTS you to tell him to leave I suggest you wave your fairy wand and make his wish come true. I'm quite serious. Pack his bags and drop kick the down the hall.... Mutual friends will quickly get bored with him whining on about how hard done by he is. You sound thoroughly drained and depressed. I think enough's enough where he's concerned and I'd recommend you talk to your GP if you haven't done so already.

Good luck

ninilegsintheair · 10/03/2015 23:18

I guess Cog, I just think it'll unsettle DC if he wasn't here. Obviously this is going to happen long term but right now the only way I can comfort myself is seeing that DC is ok at the moment. Creating a better life for DC is why I've got as far as I have but I'm not sure I can keep going if I also have to be strong during that fallout. I think I might be rambling. Blush

My GP knows everything which is probably why he keeps trying to sign me off. But I can't really keep going to him just to vent about how shit things are, its a waste of his time.

I had a counsellor at work (who has helped me over the last two years) but she is currently off on long-term sick. My employer has cut back on its staff support so there isnt anyone else.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/03/2015 23:29

Your DCs may be unsettled if he goes but I think you're going to end up seriously ill if he stays. Whether he goes today, tomorrow or in six months time it'll be a big adjustment. Why wait when you could cut short the suffering?

AnyFucker · 10/03/2015 23:31

This has been going on for 2 years ?

can I ask what are you waiting for ?

serious question

ninilegsintheair · 10/03/2015 23:40

Well I'm waiting for the house to be sold - I have no assets and nowhere to go so my share from the sale of the house will set DC and me up in rented accomodation. It took me a long time to reach a point where I felt brave and desperate enough to tell him it was over. After a decade in this relationship I was well trained.

On the plus side we currently have two buyers fighting over the house so at least it'll be sooner rather than later that the ball starts rolling on that.

But you're right Cog. It can't go on like this.

OP posts:
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