Does this need to be said ?

[crje]

Dh and I are in a real rut.

We are leaning on other people(friends/colleagues) more than each other.
This is mostly down to having little time together, dh away 4nights per week.

My best friend died recently and I went through it largely without him.
He has work stress that he doesn't bring home. We don't have the time with the kids to dump on each other.

He is very wrapped up in his work, rings to check on kids but not me really. We have gone from being quite affectionate to not much.

We are due to go away for a night this week. I'm not looking forward to it, not sure he is either. I've organised it because we have a hotel voucher about to expire.

I think if we talk about it it will open a big can of worms - we are equally guilty of neglecting the other . Both stressed & a bit lonely.

Do we ride it out or does it need to be said ??

I'm very unsettled about it , it just feels shit

Oh dear. I don't have experience of your situation, but it does sound very sad.

It would be a pity if your night away is the two of you just going through the motions. You could use the occasion, though. Either to throw yourself into some fun and togetherness with your DH, and see if he follows suit. Or to have that conversation - which would not be fun, granted, but then it's not a conversation that's going to be fun wherever you have it. A different setting could facilitate a talk about change.

You are going to have to open that can of worm at some point, though.

I do think you could start by initiating the things you miss affection, sharing thoughts, ... and if he doesn't respond in kind, then it's can-of-worms time.

Talk about it. You must. Doesn't have to be on your night away. I'm separated from my kids dad now because we didn't address issues we should have years ago. We worked we sorted kids we slept. Repeat. Every so often a bit of a blow up and then all swept under carpet. For about three years until I blew completely and now we are no more. Now I don't know if we wouldn't have split anyway at some point, but I absolutely know we would have had better chance by addressing it early.
No one says how bloody hard it is to have kids and work and then have a life. Take opportunity of being away to have fun together and really make an effort. Then after that take an evening to address stuff. Ex and I have terrific non being together relationship now but I know he regrets being stresse at work and taking it out in me and kids and I regret putting up with the crap I did without saying anything before just walking.
Make some rules about juse having night together as often as poss. Let dishes sit in sink, get take aways, chuck kids in front of tv if no sitter available and have time for you. And make effort to go to bed early and have sex - or at least a decent nights sleep!

It might be a good time to talk. No distractions.

Please talk about it. I think these stages happen in most marriages - certainly it has in mine from time to time, but then we get our acts together again. It's so easy to get wrapped up in your own problems, your own little world and to forget that actually there is someone there who cares and who might help and who you might be able to help. Talk it through - you have the perfect opportunity. Don't let these things fester to the point where you can't come back from it.

If you don't want to go for the really difficult talk straight off I'd suggest you try a little nostalgia first. Talk about when you first met, the places you went... all those 'do you remember that time when...?' moments. If you can get a conversation going about pleasant stuff it'll break the ice. Once you've remembered what you saw in each other in the first place the next step is to follow up with..... 'how can we be more like that again?'

Thanks

Talk about it but in a non-confrontational way.

Do say:
"I feel like we have got into the habit of leaning on other people instead of each other and I feel sad about that. I'd like to try and change that, together."

Don't say:
"You never support me."