I have had enough of exH.

[mampam]

We have 2 DC together and split up over 10 years ago.
He is married to the OW and they have 2 DC together. I am happily married and have an additional 2 DC with my DH.

In the last 10 years exH and his wife have been nothing but thorns in my side. They have been purposely awkward, petty, at times have been nasty and bullying. It seems to me that instead of trying to be the best father he can, doing what is best for the DC and always putting them first he would rather put his energy into trying to get one over on me.

The latest thing is that he hasn't paid last weeks maintenance for the children. It should have been paid in on the Monday so I left it until Wednesday when I called him to see what was going on. He came out with a cock and bull story about his wife changing their bank accounts and said that it would be paid within a couple of days.
I was as nice as pie to him (as I always am) but I knew as soon as I put the phone down that the money wouldn't get paid "within a couple of days" because I'd called him about it.

Generally I can't talk to him...............he either won't speak to me (has to be on the phone as he lives quite far away) or if he does speak to me and we discuss something and agree on it (usually dates the DC are going to stay with him) I can be 99% sure that he will do the opposite of what we agreed.

For example last summer the children only wanted to spend a fortnight with him instead of 3 weeks and asked me to tell him as they felt they couldn't speak to him (they feel slightly awkward around him as he generally doesn't listen to them and they only see him 3 or 4 times a year and feel like they don't really know him that well......doesn't help that he doesn't call them and ignores their texts too).
So I put it that the DC were really looking forward to going and staying with him and his family but just wanted to stay with them for 2 instead of 3 weeks as they are getting older and wanted to spend time with their friends and get all their school stuff sorted before the last minute etc. He agreed, we discussed dates and when it came to it he never actually booked DC's return journey, instead tried pretending to them that the day they wanted to come home on was a day that flights and ferries were not running. DD stood her ground and demanded to come home the following day instead of staying an extra week like he had wanted them to.

Fast forward to this week and the maintenance has been paid on time but only this weeks payment. So I get the sinking feeling as I know he's playing beggars yet again.

3 and a half years ago ex and his family moved away. He went from being employed to setting up as self employed so therefore didn't have to pay any maintenance for our DC. It was only when 2 years later we moved house, I contacted the CSA to give them our new address, that they checked his income again and said that he should start paying maintenance.

He then didn't pay the maintenance for 6 weeks but instead bought a super expensive birthday present for DD ( he had never done that before or since) and DD was invited by his DW to go on a shopping spree.
When the maintenance did start to be paid each week he paid 1/5 of one weeks payment extra each week until the 6 weeks arrears had been paid.....it took 9 months.
I know he could have afforded to pay the 6 weeks in one go but just spread the payments out to be awkward.

Maintenance is not for me it is for the good of the DC and I wish he would start looking at it that way. He is not hurting me by not paying his maintenance he is hurting his children.

What do I do now? I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I know calling him isn't going to get me anywhere. Do I call the CSA? Do I just write off last weeks payment and not piss him off by calling the CSA so he will keep paying the maintenance?

I just feel like I'm a total mug. Soon will be Easter and he will be trying to arrange for the kids to see him. He won't ever speak to me and tell me travel arrangements despite the kids asking him to. I don't know who is picking them up, what time their flight or ferry is. If I call him he is non committal like it is none of my business. It is me that will have to make sure all the DC's clothes are washed and packed and then do all their washing when they get back as he generally refusing to do any of their washing whilst they are with him.

Sorry I'm just rambling now. I just don't know how to change things after 10 years of this crap. I'm tired, I have a 17 week old baby and I don't have time or the energy for this.

I think the CSA route sounds long overdue. If he tries to mess them around he'll end up with a fine. As for visit arrangements with the children, I'd give it one shot at making a proposal and, if he messes you around, I'd call the whole thing off rather than try to compromise or change plans. How old are your elder children? Old enough to decide if they want to be bothered? Doesn't sound like they'd be too worried if they had to spend Easter holidays with you.

Hi op I'm going to hit and run

If the kids are over 13 ide ask if they want to go at all, if not I wouldn't make them go ever again.

If you can afford to write his maintenance money off ide do that too and go no contact. This won't ever end until you make it, ide be doing all I could to make up for the monthly short fall and leave them to their idiotic fuckwittery.

Sorry cog cross posted there

It's worth saying twice.

I agree. How old are they? Must be over ten... If they are around 13 ish, I would be asking them what they want - and simply choosing to support them rather than support what he wants.

And when he kicks off, it's simple:

'They didn't want to come. So I didn't make them. You do everything you can to not support me, even including not supporting them financially. You don't communicate. You don't pay. You don't wash their clothes. You try and bully. You do the opposite of what gets agreed. You do all this because you are an immature fuckwit who gets more pleasure from trying to upset me than from supporting and loving your children. Could you please tell me, in really simple terms, why on earth I should put myself out to support what YOU want? Newsflash: I've done exactly that in the past because I believed a poor father was better than none. Now they're old enough to vote with their feet and they don't want to come, so I guess it's tough on you that you've worked so hard to make an enemy of the one person who might have been able to persuade them to maintain a relationship with you. Oh, and expect a letter from the CSA.'

What she said ^^^^^

Spot on Sylvanians. On the knob.

Sympathy OP.

I have one of these but am only 4 years down the track and dcs much younger. Mine plays silly buggers and underpays every month. Anyone would think it was money for me, not money to support his children. He obviously doesn't see it that way. And yes, can hardly talk to him as he won't be civil to me, he can hardly keep to a basic calendar. If I took him to CSA or CMS he would get even more belligerent.

I can't wait till my children are old enough to decide they don't want to go.

It is as if he has made it his life's mission to be an arse and to spoil my life.

The thing that surprises me is that your XH has a new family now. That should have been enough to take his mind of being an aggressive fuckwit towards you. Shame, his energy obviously knows no bounds.

No advice, just wanting to pick up a few tips for myself. It is fucking exhausting 'being the grown-up' ALL THE TIME. I know how you feel.

What a twunt. Talk to your childten

Thank you for your input

DC's are 15 and 11. DD (15yo) already complains that she doesn't want to go to stay with her father but he and his wife are very manipulative, for instance I think they cottoned on to the fact that DD is reluctant to go to theirs so they withheld her birthday present until she went to stay with them over the Christmas holidays.........her birthday is in October.

11yo DS thinks the sun shines out of his father's backside. Unfortunately for him DD is the favourite and has always been treated as so. Poor DS is always trying to seek his fathers approval.

I know I should turn around and tell him that the DC won't be staying with him unless he gives me reasonable notice and actually lets me know the travel arrangements but I haven't for 2 reasons:

1. I always end up looking like the big bad wolf to the DC and he's very clever at engineering situations to this effect.

1. There are always consequences for my actions. If I do something that he doesn't like then the nastiness steps up about 10 levels.

My DH is reluctant to do anything as he doesn't want to upset DS................Aaaaaarrrrrrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhhhhh.

Sorry posted last post before I read some of the comments.

Dh and I have decided to sit down with the kids tonight and have a discussion with them about their dad, not to slag him off or anything as I've never done that and would never do that but to just let them know what is going on and tell them why they might not be going to see him at Easter i.e. letting me know the exact travel arrangements and not leaving it until the day before to confirm they are going the following day.

Mampam, everything that pp said, but with this on the top....
Stop letting him call the shots with access. Discuss it with your children, ask them when they want to go, then give him the dates with a little flexibility if possible. If he doesn't want to see them then, it's his choice.
I did this with my xh after years of him dictating when he was prepared to see dcs in the summer hols (usually a week or two in advance) I got in first with a letter giving him a year's notice a couple of years ago... He couldn't complain, and since then has been far more reasonable!

Good plan OP.

I think I might be clever in referencing some of the shitty behaviour to add context, in an ever such a nice way. E.g.

'It's not a good thing for your Dad to feel it's ok for him to not communicate appropriately over things like holidays, and even though it would be sad for you not to go this time, it's better in the long run if it means that Dad starts to communicate better and not do things like refusing to send birthday presents on time. It's not helping any of us if he acts mean and no-one tells him that's not ok, just like it's not really ok when he doesn't answer your calls and texts. You're getting bigger now and can understand that people need to treat each other with respect and care, even if their relationships are difficult, and that it's important to stand up for treating people properly. We wouldn't refuse to communicate with Dad about you guys because he's your Dad and we respect that - but we also need to stand up for ourselves and our family and insist that he does the same in return.'

Oh, and OP - he ratchets up the bad behaviour because he's not scared of you or of any consequences. Start really withdrawing the support he needs, and you'll see a different side maybe - a scared one where he can see that he might start losing his grip. And, he's withholding maintenance and refusing to communicate already - with children who don't actually want to see him that much (and don't), what else does he have to threaten?! Not a lot...

Also - if he plays favourites - then he is damaging to them both, and you're actually doing them a huge favour in a. allowing them to withdraw and b. especially, not letting him be seen by DS as something on a pedestal who we always obey ie a huge important figure who doesn't rate me like my sister, but everyone listens to Dad so he must be right when he dismisses me - for your son's sake especially, make this ridiculous, peeved, pathetic little nasty pasty LOOK ridiculous to them.