Bit of an odd one - What would you do

[Onesugar]

When I was 22, many moons ago I was involved with a man 15 years older than me. I worked for him at the time but as soon as my contract came to an end we were an item. He then used to change his mind about us and blew hot and cold, mostly breaking up with me then wanting me back. This went on for another 3 years until I went NC because it did my head in. I was obsessed with him and couldn't see the wood for the trees at the time. I loved him more than life itself at the time but if i'm being honest he was emotionally abusive considering the on and off thing, various lies and dangling me on a string. I never really understood why he did that! But life went on.

We didn't have any dc's, altho I would have given my right arm to have had his children and loved him wholly... until i realised that he would never quite love me the way I loved him. It annoyed me at the time because I just thought love would conquer all. But I just got on with life.

He has recently got back in touch now, many years later, with a very short and sweet e-mail basically saying "hi, how's things? would be great to meet up sometime, how have u been.. hope ur ok.." well to that effect.

Would you respond at all? He knew at the time how much he had broken my heart as I told him and I never could at that time understand why he didn't want to be with me. Should I ignore it completely or respond? wwyd?

I would not respond at all. You know if you meet up with him the attraction will still be there, you'll end up banging him and getting over-invested again, and the same old shit will start up.

No, absolutely do not get back in contact. Ignore. This man knows how to push your buttons and I would guess that he enjoys doing it. Give him an in and he will be back to his games in no time.

You did not find out back then why he didn't want to be with you. A part of you still wants him to tell you, right?
Look, if he didn't tell you then, he won't tell you now.

You survived for years now without him in your life. Keep doing that. Don't respond ...unless of course you want another ride on the "doing your head in", hot-and-cold merry go round.

I was hesitant but thought that it might be water under the bridge now, so no harm would be incurred considering my life is very different now to then.

goatsdoroam I did get an answer at the time. He said we argued too much but admittedly it didn't stop him from dangling me on a string for a further 3 years.

I wouldn't like to meet up with him mainly because I don't want him to think oh its ok... she ended up ok in the end so I wasn't that bad. But at the same time i am curious. I won't end up back in his bed as I've learned my lesson but as I say the curiosity does get to me.

Waste of time. He'll be the same, but a little balder.

If you ask me, which you have, sort of... he's between girlfriends, and at a bit of a loose end, and thought he might see if you're in the same situation.

Nothing will have changed - I'd reply to say you're fine, life is fine, and glad to hear he's fine too, and leave it at that. Don't meet him if you can't resist him.

He's feeling older, he needs his ego stroked. That is why he has got in touch with you.

Meet up for lunch on neutral ground, somewhere you can make a swift exit. Be fabulous, show him you don't care and send him a nice polite note afterwards to say thank you for lunch.

It will be hard to say no as he does know which buttons to press, and he will be stroking your ego too, hoping to get a response.

definitely no.

Definitely don't meet up. I wouldn't even reply to the email. It opens the line of negotiation for him.

Just the fact you're giving him head space should be setting off alarm bells for you.

I mean, what exactly is this meeting going to give you? I agree with other posters who say he's older, likely newly single and wants his ego stroked.

Yeah I'm concerned that you're already so deep into thinking about what he will think of you (I don't want him to think oh its ok... she ended up ok in the end so I wasn't that bad.)

You're already over-thinking this and giving him tons of your precious headspace after 1 lousy e-mail!

Definitely don't reply. You'll only get sucked into something you don't need.

I would reply:

'get to fuck'

then block

he'll be very old now too remember

No. that chapter is closed. Sometimes it is nice to get in touch with old flames but this one didn't treat you well and you had such intense feeligns for him (I wonder if he was rather cleverly pressing buttons with you. 15 years older is a lot and you know a lot more about how to keep a 22 year old dangling then, if you're the sort of person who like playing games).

Leave this intense, painful relationship in the past.

I'd also say be thankful you didn't have children with him.

Yup! You're all most probably right. I did think that now as an older wiser person I could respond and keep dignity intact.

GoatsDoRoam you are definitely on the money, I have been over thinking things following that one small lousy e-mail.

Brucie I don't have the balls to do that but it made me smile.

I just thought is there never a circumstance in which equilibrium can be restored without any untoward thinking?!

I certainly no longer love him and therefore thought my post would be met with many yes-es / go for it!

I would leave him waiting for a reply for ever. You have closure, why open that particular chapter of your life again?

It will drive him mad, at least that's what I would be hoping for. You have moved on so don't think about it for a moment longer

He his trying his luck. Is probably bored in current relationship and is looking for a little bit of fun. I wouldn't meet up.

Meerka u make a very valid point. It didn't occur to me at the time that he would know that he could 'get to me'.. I guess I was very stupid to think that someone so older than me would be wowed by me vs the other way round.

Durham & itwillgetbettersoon I have to admit that one of the main reasons I considered replying was just that - because I have moved on and even if he is looking for a bit of fun he won't find it with me. iyswim.

Meeting up was one thing but replying to the e-mail another. It seems general consensus is just forget it entirely.

Ignore him. He is running out of options as he gets even older and thought to himself "oh, I know who is daft enough to give me the time of day..."

Don't be, he's a knob.

Even you replying to his e-mail will make him think he's still got it. This is all about him.

Do not respond. Very bad idea.

No! Ignore. I had a similar sort of setup with a similar sort of bloke and decided to completely cut him out. He treated me like crap and he wasn't worthy of my friendship.

And he is now VERY bald. And fat.

You won't get anything out of replying so don't give him the satisfaction

He's got uglier, you've not.

He's insecure and lonely, you're not.

Also if you do meet, he'll have taken Viagra on the off chance. They do you know.