My DDs are missing their old life...

[Namechanger2015]

I left my EA husband in January this year, and moved 2 hours South down to London to be with my family. We are currently living with my parents, whilst we try to get our own place.

DDs are 7, 5 and 2. The oldest one in particular is really missing her school and friends, and mentions this every day. She is quite mature for her age, and I know she does hide her sadness from me, but occasionally tells me how unhappy she is. Her teachers have also commented.

My dad is lovely, as is my brother, and we have lots of lovely family nearby. My mum is great, cooking for us etc, but she can be quite grumpy/snappy (not just since we arrived, she has always been like this), and can be very difficult to talk to. She doesn't like the DDs making noise, running around playing etc. I have bought a little smart box so they can watch tv upstairs in my room, but they are not that interested and just want to relax and play in the living room after school.

DDs new school is lovely but very small, compared to the one she attended for the last 3 years. I have to admit I also miss the old school, I knew so many mums there, many of whom have been texting me since I left to find out how I am doing etc. They are the only friends DDs has ever known, and includes friends from nursery which she went to from 9 months old. She has been back to see one friend, and another has been down to visit us, which was really nice, she wasn't that bothered or excited about seeing them, but she liked the familarilty of seeing old friends, iyswim.

I'm keeping all the DDs busy, they have ballet and swimming lessons and most weekends are spent with their cousins, out at parks, or at their houses etc.

It's a really big adjustment, and she keeps asking when we can go back to our old house. It's hard on all of us. I miss our old life too. I don't want to move out of my parents house just yet, as DH is being very good about finances, and so we should be looking to buy and move somewhere in the next 6 months. So two lots of upheaval would be harder, esp when we are so up and down emotionally, they are a great help for me.

Just wondered if anyone has tips for helping my DD to feel less homesick for her old life and old friends?

It really is very early days for all of you. No advice because you sound fabulous and are doing all you can.

Is there any time for you to occasion all spend time with your DD1 alone? Maybe that would help her feel special? Best of luck.

January is only a few weeks gone. You sound like you're doing all the right things and it's going to be a matter of time. I think it'll be a lot easier once you're settled in your own place and they have their own rooms that they can personalise. Right now, however lovely family may be, it's still going to feel like they're living out of a suitcase. If they have to keep quiet and out of the way, that's not so good either.

Others might disagree with me but I'm not sure it's wise to be too much in touch with old friends at this stage. In a past life working with children on residential courses I used to find that the ones who struggled most with homesickness tended to be the ones still in contact with home.

It is early days, name, but I guess you know that.

What do you say when dd asks to go 'home' Do you say 'you can't, our home is here now'? It sounds harsh, but it might be better in the long run to spell it out like that. I am from an Army family; we moved every 3 years, not only changing schools but countries. I don't think I or my siblings ever asked to go back, as we were under NO illusion that this would be in any way possible. I left my 'home', my school, my friends, most of whom (all of whom, really) I never saw again... It is sad at the time but not world-shattering.

It sounds like you are keeping them busy, which is good. I'd think hard about moving into your own place sooner rather than later - a solid base, their own bedrooms, a playroom/living room where they can spread toys out, is IMHO a huge step towards getting them more settled.

Are you sure you are not wavering and using the dds reactions to make it seem more reasonable for you to think about going back? I certainly hope not.

You've done the right thing, and you're still doing the right thing. His assault on you was vicious and cruel.

I'm not sure about the homesickness other than to let them talk about it but spend a lot of time distracting them from dwelling. Could you talk about the new house and plan the new rooms?

I would make finding a house a priority - it will make a huge difference when your DC have a new home that they can fully settle in.

I'm in the same situation as you. DD is okay and fitting in well. DS (5 yrs) is not and the other day asked me for the bread bin (shaped like a wooden box). I took the bread out and gave it to him. Later he brought it to me and showed me that he'd neatly packed all his things for when we were going back.
I just can't tell him yet that we're not going back ever (to his country) because that's not true. I'm yet to tell him we're not going back for a very long time.
I cope by trying my hardest to get them interested and involved in doing things in this area and community. I've spent more money than I normally would on activities and going places at the weekend and so on. I go online to find out what is going on in the area and tbh this is where most of my money is going right now. Keep them busy, keep them active.

I agree that having their own space and home will make an enormous difference too so I would focus on that.

Once you have moved into your own home I am sure your dds will feel a lot more settled.

are they spending time with dad in their old town?

you can sympathise and empathise yes i know its hard to miss your friends but we living here now. soon we will get a house and you can choose your bedroom decoration - what colour would you like when you get your room?

Hello Name

Suggest you make it like a positive adventure for your family

life is full of changes

Starting secondary school
Starting clubs
Changing jobs

Find a good caterpiller to dragon fly book - about changes

They will settle. Mine are an army family too, and we moved every year or two until a couple of years ago. Dd1 is in her 8th or 9th setting in y10, not including nursery placements (another 3 or 4).

I'm guessing you didn't have much time to plan and get them used to the idea of the move, so this won't be helping, but it will be better in the long run.

Be very firm. Sympathetic. I'm sorry you miss your friends. You can write, and email, but this is our home. Won't it be fun when we have a place of our own? Yes, I miss some things too, but we won't be moving back, this is our home now. What shall we do in the summer?

It's okay to recognise the feelings of sadness or loss, but it is important that you are very firm and consistent that you will now have a new home, and will not be going back to the old one.

Do they see their dad?

They will get used to it, make new friends (does she have new friends from school round?) get embedded in their new activities, and you will all settle in a new hiuse.

Important to focus on the future. You can acknowledge the 'homesickness' but not dwell on it. Move on to the good things about the new change and look forward to the future.

They will settle, honestly.

Thank you all. The girls are seeing their dad, he has been coming down to visit them, and has had them for one overnight visit, at his sisters house with lots of family about. But both he andI have been making it clear that we have moved, and we won't be going back to the old house or city to live.

My oldest does get very, very sad about this, and desperately misses her school friends. I have been trying really hard to help her with this.

Last week I worked like a fiend to make her a great World Book Day costume, because I thought winning the prize for best costume might make her feel a bit more positive about the school. It did work, and she was happier again for a few days .

This week I took a day off so I could accompany her on a class trip as a parent helper, which was also really nice, and also got her brand new ballet gear, as she they have a different colour uniform here compared to her old place, and so I had to replace the lot for both DDs cost me bloody £90!

This also helped as they really fit into ballet well, and have a show at the end of the month, which me, my siblings, and DDs cousins are all attending that was another £150 on tickets!

I am taking your advice and talking about our new house a lot more, and think that's helping them to look forward, and see this as a temporary phase. Next step is to give it time and see. I am trying to get super friendly with school mums so I can perhaps think about having playdates at the weekend once we know each other a little better. I have joined the PTA at school, I was a PTA mum at their old school too so hopefully this will help them bond with the school as well, knowing that mum is also a part of it.

I adore them, I really want them to be happy. We had a lovely dinner at a restaurant tonight for mothers day - us, my parents, siblings and nieces and nephews, 15 of us. DDs really enjoyed that, and DD1 is now on a sleepover at her cousins house. DD2 has been promised a sleepover during the Easter hols.

So it's getting better. I just want them to love it her and forget our old city, even though I also really miss our life and our friends there, and their fabulous school which I think I loved as much as they did. I knew the teachers and mums so well there, I need to aim for the same here.

ptumbi I am definitely not going back, as lovely as our house and friends were, the thought of going back to my old lonely life makes me shudder. Also I do miss the lovely area and the hugeness of my house there!

DH is doing all of the right things. He did go to see a Relate counsellor off his own back, they directed him to RESPECT, a charity that deals with perpetrators of domestic violence. He has also booked himself onto a 32 week domestic violence course, and is taking an afternoon off work every week to attend. This was something he sought on his own.

Finance wise he coughing up, albeit slowly, as he is having to sell of property for this, which he is doing. But this is by no means fixed.

I'm seeing a counsellor weekly which really helps me to keep my head straight.

But first step is go get my girls happy again. Then life is good

I don't have any great advice, but I can sympathise as my dd didn't take very well to a move a couple of years ago and it was a very hard time, she also cried a lot and said she wanted to go back to the old house and her old friends. The only advice I do have is to properly listen and be sympathetic- I spent a lot of time trying to convince her it was better in the new place, and it wasn't so great in the old place, her old friends were a bit fickle and so on- and I forgot to really hear what she was saying and acknowledge it.

I don't mean indulge it, there's a time and a place for it, and perhaps having a short chat about it is fine, it's also ok not to go on and on. I do think though that with this dd, trying to cheer her up and make it all better didn't work, and what worked was agreeing it was a bit difficult right now, but that I knew she had a great personality and people would want to be friends with her over time when they got to know her better. It took at least six months before she stopped moaning for the old place, and now she's really much happier.

It is hard though.

Setting up some playdates, perhaps them joining some clubs (Brownies/Guides/Scouts, sports, drama) - this is a good way to make friends. It is a learning curve though and 7/8 years old is a difficult time for girls and friends I've discovered the hard way!

I really sympathise... We moved house and then exH left us a few months later so my DC had 2 massive life changes in the space of a few months. DD was 6 at the time and found it very hard.

I agree with not dwelling on the old friends too much... DD had a massive card signed by all her school friends up on her shelf that she used to look at all the time. Gradually I moved it to the top shelf, back in its envelope, so she wasn't dwelling on it so much.

The thing that helped the most was making a massive effort with playdates and clubs, and getting to know the other mums. As soon as DD mentioned a new friend I'd ask if she wanted to come to tea. I know you're living with your parents so it might be tricky, maybe you could take a few friends to soft play or pizza hut after school instead? When it was her birthday we did a massive all-class party, we also did a Halloween party at home. She joined Rainbows and that was great as she got to know girls from her school who weren't in her class.

Let her talk about her old friends but point out it's ok to have new friends. My DD will now say she has 2 best friends, one from her old school and one from her new school. I also use the example of how I have lots of friends who live in different places, from Uni etc, but they are still my friends even though we don't live close to each other anymore.

It's hard but they will settle. Good luck.