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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

suck it up and carry on or break free??

20 replies

breakingfree03 · 10/03/2015 12:25

Hi everyone. I'm after a bit of advice or a nudge in the right direction... here goes. I've been with my OH for 12 years, we have 2 children -7 and 9. For the past four years I have been dreaming of leaving him. He's not a bad man, lazy and selfish at times yes but otherwise he's ok. He has a neurological condition that causes the blood vessels in his brain to swell and press against his skull leaving him in intense pain and on oxygen for six months of the year- he's 31. I must stress that this isn't why I want to leave him, its why I haven't already left. The other six months of the year are the problem. Hr doesn't work, I do full time. While I am at work he is usually playing on his computer or spending my wages. I do the housework, the cooking, the childcare, baths, bedtimes, homework basically everything. Im dying to leave. I've tried talking to him but its like banging my head against a brick wall. If I ask him to leave he wont... I've tried. My only option is to leave myself however all of my wages are tied up trying to stay afloat. I could move into my friends house for a few months while i save a deposit for a new place but I couldnt take the children and there is no way I can leave them. What would you do?

OP posts:

hesterton · 10/03/2015 12:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

georgeousgeorge · 10/03/2015 12:50

Are you married?

Do you own or rent?

Whose name is the house / tenancy in?

AnyFucker · 10/03/2015 12:58

What is this medical condition he has ?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/03/2015 13:35

It sounds more like you're his full-time carer - even when he's relatively well - than a partner. Do/did you get any help as a family? It sounds desperate.

TopOfTheCliff · 10/03/2015 13:42

Cluster headache? He is very lucky you are supporting him. He is a cocklodger with a doctors note isn't he? I would suggest you sit him down and explain that you have had enough of his freeloading and that you expect him to pull his weight at home when he can. If he doesn't shape up then I would start divorce proceedings for unreasonable behaviour. I bet he jumps into action when he realises you mean business. He needs to be really agreeable to persuade you not to leave him. And he wouldn't want to look after the DC full time. That would be too much like hard work.

Original poster

breakingfree03 · 10/03/2015 13:43

We're not married. We are in a privately rented house under a joint tenancy. I dont want to ask him to leave, i want to leave. I dont love him, I dont think I ever really did. I send him up to bed or out to his friends when Im home because I dont want to be around him. Even my daughter has commented how nice it is when its just me and the kids. His condition will never get better, theres no cure so I either make my bed and lie in it or I take the plunge and leave. If I did leave though we would have the problem of child access. I would never deny him access to the children but 6 months of the year he's not fit to look after them. I dont know if Im being selfish for wanting to leave or whether its guilt from thinking of putting myself first for once

OP posts:

Original poster

breakingfree03 · 10/03/2015 13:45

Yes its cluster headaches x

OP posts:

Quitelikely · 10/03/2015 13:53

Wow I didn't realise cluster headaches could do this to a persons life!

Is he being proactive in trying to tackle the situation? Is there anymore he could be doing or is his life totally ruined for six months of every year?

TheSilveryPussycat · 10/03/2015 14:06

Erm - you send him up to bed or out to his friends Is this when he's in a cluster phase or when he's ok?

But that's by the by. DP has cluster headaches - he is in slight dread atm as it's his most likely time coming up. But you wouldn't know it from the way he behaves - I don't know how he does it, and I'm not suggesting your OH should do the same.

He should, however, be doing all he can during his remission phases.

I'm wondering if he should register for ESA - as I'm not sure whether he might need NI credits for pension eventually, even if he doesn't get any actual ESA.

Original poster

breakingfree03 · 10/03/2015 14:07

He cant do anything for 6 months. He is genuinely in agony. He has 8 attacks a day lasting 3 hours each at its peak, he screams, shouts, cries, kicks out, rolls on the floor, nothing helps. I thought he was going to kill himself earlier this year he was so bad. I know it sounds awful but he has to live with this but the children and I dont. I will support him through all his medical appointments and be there for him as much as I can but I dont want to be with him anymore. At the moment he is pain free, he has just finished a bout of attacks. He'll be due to start again in summer. We dont get any support from elsewhere so its down to me to make sure everyone is ok. I cant do it anymore

OP posts:

TheSilveryPussycat · 10/03/2015 16:59

I believe you about the agony DP is on Support Rate of ESA, has various meds to take at onset and an epipen and oxygen in case of the v worst. I don't think your DH could have an ordinary job, just that he could try to have an ordinary life, pulling his weight in partnership with you, when the headaches aren't there.

But it sounds like he doesn't. It isn't right that you should carry it all. No wonder you don't want to be with him, if there was ever a chance that you would.

I don't live with my DP, he is also very proud and the only support he wants is for me not to notice if he's in pain.

AlternativeTentacles · 10/03/2015 17:01

Find somewhere else to live and move out.

financialwizard · 10/03/2015 17:03

I think you should leave.

stormtreader · 10/03/2015 17:24

I think you should leave as well and take the kids - totally ignore the headaches, its his behaviour all of the other time that shows you who he is.

I can understand after all that pain he must just want to have fun and free time while he can, but hes a parent and an adult, and that means he has certain responsibilities that he isnt living up to.

You send him away because you dont want to be around him, and hed rather be with his mates than you. I cant see what you get out of this except stress and hardship.

cestlavielife · 10/03/2015 17:29

it isnt all down to you. it's also down to him to get the right support.

it isnt fair on you to take everything on, including when he is in remission.

but it sounds like you can manage without him. so move out.

when he is unwell does he tell you or is it down to you to assess whether he should or can be with the Dc or not?

what support does he need during an attack, does he need someone with him or what is the situation?

Joysmum · 10/03/2015 17:29

If you are in private rented you can give notice on the tenancy to end after the fixed period had expired.

Trouble is, he then may well be refused a tenancy in his own name only if you're the bread winner. If you need to get accommodation for you you may have no option other than to do this up get a tenancy for yourself.

georgeousgeorge · 10/03/2015 17:29

you obviously need to give notice on the joint tenancy (what is the notice period?)

You have got way too involved in trying to "support" him, if you are leaving him you don't have to pay his rent, your income goes to support you only.

You take the kids and move out into your own place.

Tell him you are giving notice on the tenancy to allow him to take it over on a sole basis if he wants.

georgeousgeorge · 10/03/2015 17:31

you can sort out child access after....

This is the part of not being married that will actually work out for you. You have no obligations to him, or for him.

SolomanDaisy · 10/03/2015 17:34

Can't you just give notice on the tenancy and both move? He's fairly unlikely to be able to keep the tenancy on his own anyway.

fluffapuss · 10/03/2015 20:25

Hello Breaking

You must have loved your partner at one time, you had 2 children ?

I can see that you want more from life and for your future

It is a pity that your partner does not support your family when he is well

If you are unhappy, do something positive about it

Good luck

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