Neglected relationship - now want to leave

[indigogreen]

Hello everyone, I am at a crossroads and need advice! I have seen some great advice on these threads and I know mumsnetters will be supportive but also won't hold back from telling me if I'm being a complete arse...
Married 25 years, 2 children, DD left home and DS teenager, I have been unhappy in relationship for many years. It's a case of longterm neglect, poor communication, and low self-esteem. DH quick-witted, sharp-tongued, a devoted father, sometimes gregarious, but now depressed (not clinically) and really in a mid-life crisis, losing his function as a father as our DS grows up and becomes more independent. There were many arguments which used to cut me to the quick, as I can't stand conflict, until I started to distance myself from what DH said. I put up a wall around myself to protect me from the rows... I neglected the relationship too... I thought I could stick it out until the kids left home.
Then I distanced myself emotionally from him. I started to go out more, although keeping all the kids stuff on track. I met someone and -really unexpectedly - developed an emotional rapport (not a physical affair).

There was a crisis point, big rows with DH for a month, now simmered down.
OM has stepped back, NC with him now.
DH and I now going to couple counselling, and I am trying to work out what happens next. Shall I leave, or stay and try to make a go of it??? I don't love him, I don't particularly enjoy spending time with him, the rows have stopped (he finally understood how much they hurt me - while he thought they were just normal). I could manage to stay, I think, but would have to really commit to trying to mend the relationship. DH extremely hurt and sad and needs to rebuild his own life too. But I must decide soon - because I can't stand much more of trying to be positive about a future together when my heart's not in it.
Any thoughts or questions welcome.

I did try to have the talk last night. Said I could no longer go along pretending that we are trying to improve things when I feel unhappy. Said that I can start proceedings on grounds of unreasonable behavior.

But I don't think he heard me. He did most of the talking - about how I need to try harder... He really did not hear me. H said, if I want to walk out then I can, that it is all being driven by me, that he has evidence of my unreasonable behaviour. I ended up agreeing to set up couples counseling.

Think I will have to put it in writing to H in order to make it absolutely clear. Hope that is not cowardly.

Thanks for all the posts, it is very comforting to hear you.

What seems very clear reading this thread is that no matter how you phrase it, he simply does not listen or accept what you are saying, and every time manages to "talk you round" and beat you down. Therefore, I simply would no longer waste my energy trying to talk......it's time to act. Get to the solicitors, he simply is not taking you seriously and who cares who takes the hit for "unreasonable behaviour"? So what? It is a vehicle by which to obtain a divorce.

Yes, wallaby, that is what is happening - and it is a reflection of what has happened throughout marriage - or at least perhaps the last 10 years. Whenever he asks me a question I feel like a rabbit in the headlights - freeze up and can't think what to say. Feel such a wimp, and even sort of guilty that I somehow can't say things in a straightforward way to him, when I have no problem expressing myself to others, friends and family.

I have made appointment for couple counselling and that feels like a safety-net for when the proverbial hits the fan - very comforting to know the counselling will be there to be a safe place to say what I need to.

I need to focus on some big deadlines at work coming up in 2 weeks time. I will leave it until after that to start the proceedings, and in the meantime try to get all the info together. I was put on to a really good internet resource by Rjae - Intelligent Divorce website, very clear step by step online guides.

I do feel guilty - to be breaking up this family - even though it is unhappy as things are now.

Dont feel guilty for breaking up a family.

Feel proud that you have seen that this not good enough for your children and that you want to create a better family for them - that is your aim.

If your DH does not have the same aim then he is not part of it.

I took on board all the guilt for calling time - but I reflected and saw that it took two of us for the marriage to fail - and one of us to do do something constructive for the family. I am proud that I did not stick my head in the sand and let everyone continue to suffer and believe that this was a good enough way to live - it was nt.

Despite having said I would focus on my deadlines I have spent too much time checking answers on MN! And posting in the middle of the day when I should be working.
Thank you Lurgano for your experience - I am taking all the guilt on board - though maybe in time might be able to see it as a positive move.

So here's the guilt:

• I'm sorry that I didn't say how unhappy I was a few years ago, when there might have been a chance of working it out (At the time I was too afraid of more conflict to say this to H, and so I did some CBT myself to try to find a better way of dealing with the criticism, rows etc - it worked so far as helping me to look at self-esteem)
• I'm sorry that I built up a wall around my emotions and shut down the possibility of sharing feelings with H - I was trying to protect myself but it was negative in the end, now it's a burden of hurt and resentment
• I'm sorry that I did not say what I thought or felt
• I'm sorry that it has gone so far that now I can't see a way back
• I'm sorry that I am now rejecting H's occasional and somewhat clumsy attempts to reconcile
• I am very very sorry for the pain sorrow and anger that I will cause to my DC.

OK - maybe splurging emotions across this thread may help me say those things in RL. I will really really try not to feel so attacked whenever we talk, and to express my thoughts and feelings honestly.

Hope it is OK to use this as a kind of online diary, I can't write anything personal in my actual journal as H has read it.

He reads your diary? And refuses to hear that you want to break up?

Does he actually recognise you as a separate person to him? Sounds very unhealthy.

Aussie that is a very interesting way of putting it, I would not have thought of that... but there's something in it...

Today - voicing a momentary irritation on my part led to a 15 minute rant by H, with DS in the room, about how the last 3 months have been hell (true), I'm treating H like shit (that's what he feels) and it's because i think I'm trying hard but not really feeling it (yes at last you're getting it), and H will make a list of all the occasions we have gone out together since Xmas to prove that I'm not trying hard enough (do that if you want to). I did not disengage from the 'conversation', and tried to say what I thought honestly once DS had left the room.

Oh and I realise how hard it is to post here without seeking to justify yourself. It's like pocketsaviour said, it wrings out all your humanity, empathy and compassion, till you are acting like an emotionally illiterate cow.

Later on, out, I was chatting to a couple of acquaintances and self-consciously monitoring what I was saying and even my body language - it's like he's in my head. Crap.

He ranted for 15 minutes with DS in the room? He has no concept of taking care of children, does he.

Maybe you should write in your diary "What kind of massive cunt would read someone's diary? A shitty wankbadger, that's who."

OP I could have written your post myself except things did get physical with my OM, we have had no contact since February but I miss him badly.

My DH wants to reconcile and is engaging with couples counselling and trying to make things better but for me it's just too late I don't love him anymore. I feel so sad at carrying on with this for the sake of him and the kids, but breaking up the family will devastate them.

Ha pocket just spluttered into my coffee! Oh so bored with fearing conflict - so probably won't take up your suggestion just yet.
DavidTennant sorry you are going through this too. We have to shoulder the guilt but not let it cloud our thinking.

I have a big metal keyring with the word 'Love' on it - and today it broke off my keys - how symbolic...