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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's broken half of the things I own.

41 replies

verticalstripes · 09/03/2015 23:34

I got back to my grans house in the end. He begged and pleaded with me not to live in that area so in the end I just agreed, but said that if I did he had to drive my things back here as I couldn't afford a removal company over that distance. He agreed and said he would drive my things to my grans house. When they arrived a welsh dresser was broken, an old steamer trunk I have had the hinges snapped off, a load of my clothes were ruined too. I had a lot of sentimental things there that are missing like a pair of designer sunglasses that were a gift and very old cat ornament my granddad gave to me Sad Also my art things (which are expensive to replace) and a single bed that was mine. He still has all my kitchen things, a lot of clothes, he keeps saying he has emptied the house but he hasn't and what I did get back was broken. He just left it in the yard and as I went through it I sat and cried. When I ask him about the things he says I am lying and things like "why the fuck would I want your stuff" but I know they never arrived here and so does my family because they helped moved the things for me.

I didn't speak to him when he came because he told me he didn't even want to see me in a message. So I went outside, picked up the cat carrier and then went back in to settle the cat with some food and water. After he left he started sending nasty messages, first was sweary and saying I didn't even effing speak to him. I said "I thought you didn't want me to" because of what he had said before. After that he started sending lots of horrible messages. Some were really really personal, about my body and things and I got quiet upset. They were so hurtful it made me feel embarrassed to have been near him and scared that if I ever get another partner they will think the same. Then he was calling me cheap, nasty etc and still accusing me of cheating on him but I never did and I don't know why he thinks I did or who he thinks I did with Sad. He has been making up that people in that area have said bad things about me, but he doesn't realise I speak to them and know that they haven't. I think he is trying to make me scared to go back.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
GoldenBeagle · 10/03/2015 09:40

Brilliant that you got away, and I am so sorry that he has been so vicious about you treasured possessions.

However. You are away from him now. Free yourself mentally. Stop engaging with him.

What this means is that you don't have to obey his wishes for him not to see you when he drops stuff off.
What this means if you don't then have to justify to him why you didn't see him 'because you said that's what you wanted'.... That is just writhing on the end of his line! You have no apologies, no justifications, no explanations that need giving.

You do not have to do anything on any terms other than your own.

Block his number and report him for harassment.

maccie · 10/03/2015 10:12

Vertical. Another way of you viewing calling the police could be that you are protecting the next woman he gets his claws into. If he has abused you and your belongings and harassed you then it goes on record.

fluffapuss · 11/03/2015 02:23

Hello Vertical

Block & delete him off your phone & all social media, ignore any further attempts at contact

Get a new phone number asap

Possessions can be replaced

You cannot be replaced

It looks like you have had a lucky escape !

Stay safe

CunningCat · 11/03/2015 20:40

What a complete bastard! Get a new number. At least you are safe, that's the main thing. You will heal with timeFlowers

Original poster
verticalstripes · 12/03/2015 20:59

The thing is the phone he is using is contract and in my name.

I have made an appointment with the police as advised for tomorrow. I'm scared to go and have nobody to go with me. I'm scared they won't believe me. I have messages from him proving most of it, but some of the worst bits he reserved only for calls or in person.
He made up some things people said about me then messaged me to tell me, but I asked them and he didn't realise I would ask or they were friends etc. I was told the things they had apparently said about me were not true and were never said. I then got a phone call from him accusing me of dragging people in to it, threatening me and telling me not to talk to these people. But he said they hated me and said bad things.... I didn't realise I had done anything wrong I just wanted to know why I had upset them. I realise now it was all made up by him. He told me not to contact those people again and that I was "causing problems"... Sad

I havent told him I've made an appointment with the police. I'm so scared of making things worse though.

OP posts:
currentnameinuse · 12/03/2015 21:03

Can you cancel the phone contract?

Good luck with he police. You most certainly shouldn't tell him. Why should you?

cozietoesie · 12/03/2015 21:04

Can you cancel that phone that he's got and get a new one? A basic phone isn't expensive and you'll need one - and you don't need him running up bills in your name on the current one.

You'll be fine with the police. They're a lot better these days than they might have been a few years back.

Original poster
verticalstripes · 12/03/2015 21:26

It's a 24 month contract and it's only a few months in to the contract. It's billed from my account and in my name.

On the number I called to make an appointment he kept asking about how he has physically hurt me and he actually sounded dismissive when I said he never physically hurt me. It made me feel a bit stupid.

OP posts:
LittleEsmeWeatherwax · 12/03/2015 21:32

Vertical, phone your mobile provider immediately and report your phone as stolen.

cozietoesie · 12/03/2015 21:33

Just phone up the phone company and explain your situation briefly - someone else has got your phone, is using it, and you're too frightened to get it back, say - and say you want to stop the service on that number. They should be able to assist you.

Don't worry how the person making the appointment sounded - if indeed you interpreted it correctly. He was probably an admin person and not one of the trained officers.

Paperblank · 12/03/2015 21:41

Vertical I've been where you are and your experiences mirror mine.

I walked away from a previous relationship with my handbag and the clothes on my back and although I desperately wanted my things back I had to accept that they were gone.

It was heartbreaking to have lost everything I'd worked so hard for, to lose birthday and Christmas presents but as a pp says they can be replaced - you can't be.

I urge you to go to the police. I didn't because he was threatening me with all sorts if I did. I wish I had had the courage to do so and even now I worry that he will put another woman through the same hell as he did me. I feel so guilty about that.

Wrt the phone, call them and explain that you want a limit on the phone of say £5.00 above the contract cost for additional charges. Ensure that you are the only named person permitted to make ammendments to the tariff and put tons of security passwords on the account so he can't speak to the provider or get a willing female to do it for him.

If you need a shoulder or a sympathetic ear PM but please be strong. The dark days pass and life will be good again.

xx

petalsandstars · 12/03/2015 21:48

Can you print your previous threads to have as reminders of all the controlling isolating things he did. Plus criminal damage and theft of your property. Good luck x

RandomMess · 12/03/2015 21:55

If the contract is in your name presumably you can get the sim blocked and a replacement sent to you?

I recently got my dds SIM changed for a large standard one to one for an iphone so she could use it in a different handset. They just switch off the old sim remotely somehow.

Update your address details first :)

I am so glad to read that you and your cat have escaped from him. The things are ultimately just possessions. Think how proud your granddad would be that you had the courage to go - that would be more important to him.

rollmeover · 12/03/2015 21:59

Sending abusive messages over text is an offence, the police should take you seriously. They should have a domestic abuse liason who you can speak to tomorrow.

You have done so well to get away from him, well done.

Contact the phone provider tomorrow and explain that the contract is being used by your expartner and that he wont return the phone to you and can you transfer it to another number/cancel it (or at least stop him from being able to use it even if you continue to pay the outstanding monthly contract charge).

Much luck for tomorrow x

currentnameinuse · 12/03/2015 22:05

btw your phone company will change the number too if there has been abuse - mine did it for free. You can order a new sim and then change the number and use it yourself.

Vivacia · 13/03/2015 07:06

So, there's two bits of advice (at least) there.

  1. Phone your mobile provider and explain that someone has your phone and you can't get it back. You have suggestions of what could be done. I'd be tempted to report it stolen.

  2. Ring the police and check that you're meeting with officers trained in domestic abuse.

Can you get support from a charity or your university, given that you are disabled?

In fact, what's happening with your university course? Have you kept them informed? It sounds as though you need to consider deferring or even transferring.

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