What to do about this friend?

[lillie21]

Just looking for some advice from wiser MNetters.

I have a really good male friend from uni, we both finished our (long!) degrees last summer and are mid twenties. He moved about 3 hours away and is barely ever in contact. I really miss him.

The thing is, ive only ever seen it as a platonic relationship, but I have an inkling that he likes me as more than a friend, nothing ever been said on either part.

We used to be in touch a lot and see each other at least a couple of times a month, I love his company and we have a lot in common, and he has always been really supportive and encouraging. It would be so much easier if i did fancy him! Anyway I've not seen him since August and barely spoken, he never replies to texts.

With the lack of contact I feel like he's using the move to cut me off. Any other friend I would tell them I miss them and arrange to meet for a drink, but with him living quite far away it would be more of an effort and whole day thing.

I don't know what do, I don't want to lose 5 years' worth of friendship, but also dont want to look like an idiot repeatedly texting with no reply, and equally don't want him to have any false hope.

Personally I think if it's worth it, it's worth the risk of looking like an idiot isn't it?

Facebook? Sometimes it's a nice gentle way to get back in touch and also to get a feel for what's going on in someone's life.

Tbf I don't think he's that into you if he doesn't reply to texts and stuff. If he was keen I think it would be very surprising for him to cut you off with no declaration or attempt to get together with you, and then to ignore your messages. If he was keen then at most he'd have made a move and at least he'd be replying to your messages keenly, suggesting meet ups etc.

I say just get in touch and say 'Hey, we haven't spoken for ages, what's up??'

I'd assume that he's met someone and is in the honeymoon phase so doesn't need you in the same way as before.

So, if he fancies you, but you don't, and he is cutting off contact, don't you think it's best to let him go?

If he lost his phone or your number he could always try email or facebook, so let him contact you if he wants to.

My advice would be to cut your losses here. Who was doing the social instigating when you were at uni, by the way? (as in first contact, arranging to meet, etc). If it was a uni friendship, I'd say meeting up a "couple times a month" wasn't actually that big at all.

I know in the genuine platonic friendships I've had with men they've made an effort to meet and instigate time together and it's been fairly comfortable and natural spending time together (even stuff like sitting on the same sofa curling up watching a movie).

Whereas the kind of man who is "only friends if he thinks he's in with a chance" the friendship was always a bit "awkward and intense" as in it seemed like I was always having to "control" it so that they didn't get the wrong idea. They just drifted away like your friend when they realised they didn't stand a chance.

Maybe if he did really fancy you, he feels awkward socialising with you and wants to pursue women who are attracted to him?

I don't agree with this - I think this attitude is demeaning to women, but he is entitled to socially focus where he wants to.

Thanks ladies for your responses. I guess perhaps he never liked me in that way at all but not wanting to drip feed- for cultural/religious reasons he could never pursue a long term relationship with someone not from his religion (at least not without being cut off by his family), so in the back of my mind that was why there was never a declaration.

Anyway I think I'll leave it to him now to contact me, and maybe will just see him if there's a bigger group meet up of our uni friends.

If there's a strong cultural reason for not going out with someone, then there is also a strong cultural reason to not continue seeing that person as a friend.

Quite often university is a freeing time, where people experiment out of their cultures. Some people continue on that path when they leave university. Others return to their culture and 'forget' about all of that.

I can't imagine that it would be easy for him to continue seeing you as a friend now that he is back with his family and friends - on the assumption that he has returned home, but even if he hasn't he's probably gone back to the type of environment in which he grew up in. If he had any sort of attraction to you, then it would be even MORE of a reason to cut you out of his life.

I just don't know why you think his ignoring your texts and never bothering to get in touch with you means that he is in love with you!

It sounds very narcissistic to me, tbh.

ImperialBlether thanks for your opinion- easy to make comments like that from behind a computer screen but you haven't seen what this guy has been like for the last 5+ years.

I suppose I was just hopeful that it would be possible to have genuine platonic friendships with men.

PintofCider I think you're right, he hasn't returned home but is definitely of the stage in life where he should be married according to his tradition.

Lillie - I'm afraid that most religions/cultures who are strict about marrying within their faith/culture don't encourage platonic friendships between men and women.

If he hasn't bothered to be in contact since August, then it doesn't sound as if he loves you and wants to be with you. People make the effort when they do.

And if he does love you but his culture or religion forbids it and he has chosen to respect this rule, then again, he is choosing not to be with you.

Whether it is disinterest, or culturally mandated, he has chosen NOT to pursue a relationship with you.

All you can do is respect that choice. (....or drive yourself mad with what-ifs, or go stir the pot. But I really wouldn't recommend either of those options.)

It's perfectly possible but there are some ground rules - like you don't fancy each other. If he likes you more than as a friend then it's not platonic.

Also, very few friendships last a lifetime. Maybe best to let this one go.

OP, I was going by what you wrote. First you said:

"and is barely ever in contact"

"I've not seen him since August and barely spoken"

"he never replies to texts"

"I feel like he's using the move to cut me off"

Then you say:

"don't want him to have any false hope"

The latter sentence doesn't make any sense whatsoever. I stand by what I said - there's nothing that you've said that makes it sound as though he's interested in you as a girlfriend. Maybe you have more information but you didn't post it here, so that's all I could go on.

Yeah I do have more to go on but I don't want to write a novel about every event/conversation etc that has happened over the years.

I wasn't actually asking whether people think he likes me or not, I was asking whether its wise to continuing contacting him under the circumstances, which thanks to other helpful replies I can now clearly see would be a stupid thing to do.

Isn't that what mumsnet is about? To ask for advice when you're unsure about something?

OP I do think it is possible to have good male friends so please don't give up on that as a matter of principle.

I remember having similar situations to yourself - I have sometimes found it hard to socialise with women (although I'd much prefer a solid group of female friends and have that now, it didn't come naturally to me in my youth) and hoped men were "easier", and would try and organise things to do with men I got on with and we'd enjoy joint hobbies and nights out. And good conversation.

But deep down I KNEW it wasn't just a straight friendship and maybe I was being a bit dishonest with myself by thinking "X is such a cool person, so I can manage him into the supportive role and hope he doesn't get any ideas".

But if you're having to manage someone's emotions in that way, there never was a friendship in the first place?

My gut rule now is if I'm thinking "hmmmmmm I need to make sure I'm not sending him any signals" then it probably isn't going to be a natural friendship.

Whereas I find that now I have male friends where there just isn't that element?

they "might" say starchild is attractive and wouldn't say no if something more happened" but aren't nursing some desperate intense crush on me?

I think if he is backing off, it's his choice and you should probably leave him to it.

If you feel you've made as much effort as you reasonable can to maintain the friendship level you want, without giving him any hope that it can be more, then you need to let it go. It's sad, but he's probably a "friend for a season" rather than a friend for life.

It is possible to have good platonic friends of the opposite sex without any sexual element - I have a couple of male friends who I've been friends with for 25+ years now! - but this may not be one of them for you.