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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

MIL and BIL issues please help me

19 replies

layla888 · 09/03/2015 14:16

Just feel really shitty about this how can i break 95% contact with MIL. I have been trying but get hounded with 20 text a day and calls, she says she worries all the time about us all dh, me and kids if she doesn't hear from me every 10 mins! Basically its all just got too much for me, a couple of weekends ago was the last straw, BIL is a total fuck up lives with MIL and last time we were round he called DH an idiot and is generally abusive also said only idiots work and he gets money for doing fuck all and how he never had to work again (he gets DA for his alcohol/drug issues) he said this in front of my kids and dh who works his hands to the bone for our family. Bil is a drunk, and heroin user and mil mothers him like a child/ brings him breakfast lunch and dinner up to his room like a 5* hotel, never challenges his behaviour and she acts like a martyr about it. I just can't be around and have my kids around this attitude anymore. I find it sickening.

Going back to MIL everything is always at her leisure like for example she lives 40 mins away and we would spend every weekend going round there its all just got too much for me. She calls herself mummy to my kids, and is always comparing herself to my mum. I just need some "us" time as a family and fed up feeling like I have to share every aspect of our lives with others.

Please give me some advice on how to break the cycle of contact or how I can handle it. Should I make it clear how I'm feeling or just break contact and let her figure it out?

OP posts:
HubertCumberdale · 09/03/2015 14:22

I'm so sorry this sounds pretty unbearable. The only thing I can think is to be open and honest with her. Sit her down with a cup of tea and explain that whilst you love and appreciate her, you've been feeling lately that you and your OH don't have any time together just between your little family, and would she mind if you see her every other weekend or something?

Now... is she the sort of person who listens to reason, or will she go off her nut about something like this?

No need to drag the BIL into it I don't think.
As for the texts... just don't answer.

AlternativeTentacles · 09/03/2015 15:31

What do you mean you would spend every weekend going around there?

If you are spending every weekend there, stop spending every weekend there. Stop responding to her calls and texts and claim your life back.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/03/2015 15:36

First thing is that, whatever you decide to do, you and DH have to work as a tight team. Any hint of disagreement over this and you've got much bigger problems than in-laws. United front or you are sunk as a couple.

Suggest BIL is simply barred from your home until he discovers some civility. Visit MIL a lot less often and let the many calls go through to voice-mail rather than feeling obliged to pick up. If/when you want to talk to her... you call her.

But it's your DH that is the weak link here.

pocketsaviour · 09/03/2015 15:37

What does your DH say about the situation? Does she text/call him so frequently as well, or is that special privilege reserved for you?

Is DH's dad in the picture anywhere?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/03/2015 15:40

Incidentally, what did DH do or say when his brother (I'm assuming it's his brother) called him an idiot?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/03/2015 16:08

"Just feel really shitty about this how can i break 95% contact with MIL".

Why just 95%; why not go the whole hog instead. How would you actually define 5% contact anyway with such people?.

His mother is a toxic influence on all your lives and her behaviour towards you amounts to harassment. You would not have tolerated any of that from a friend; his mother is no different. It is best to cut all contact with such disordered people altogether. No need to make a big fuss about doing so.

www.lightshouse.org/how-to-go-no-contact.html#axzz3TuBe8ud0 This is a useful link on how to go no contact.

What has your DH got to say about all this; after all this is his mother. Is he really yet another weak man who is both unwilling and unable (due to her own conditioning of him) to stand up to his mother in any way?. His inertia is simply hurting you as his wife and his children.

It also does your children no favours at all to see their parents be so disrespected all the time by such dysfunctional relatives.

Original poster
layla888 · 09/03/2015 16:16

Hi, i just feel like it hasn't been my choice to go there we just go there like clockwork every sat and most sundays but the past few weeks we haven't been since BIL was a twat. I know it upset DH cuz in the car on the way home i said to dh i can't believe you let BIL talk to you in front of your kids like that.

MIL constantly texts/calls both DH and me.

DH just reverted back to a small timid child when bil called him an idiot for working. Like no one every stands up to him, DH won't say anything cuz he doesn't want to upset MIL, infact non of the family say anything in fear of upsetting MIL.

FIL is long gone.

I don't want to upset MIL but i feel like I'm going crazy like i feel like she has her fingers in all my pies lol i know that sounds stupid but i also feel like i won't let myself or kids be subjected to BILs behaviour. Does that make sense or am i being a bitch? MIL fully expects me/kids/dh to tolerate it like its normal? I think what I am trying to say is we've been going round pretty much every weekend and she thinks we will tolerate his behaviour etc because we have been going round so it reinforces it? I dunno i feel like I'm going mad

OP posts:
Original poster
layla888 · 09/03/2015 16:21

with the 95% i meant like i don't want to lose all contact just its all too much at the moment. i have tried to go no contact but get text such as "layla888 were all really worried you haven't answered my calls today is everything alright" or "layla888 are you and dh ok, I'm really worried about you" after sending a text literally 5 mins before saying were fine just very busy! oh and she pretends she gets dh and my numbers mixed up so i get "why won't layla888 answer my calls, love you so much" about 5 times a day

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/03/2015 16:22

Stop worrying about potentially upsetting your MIL; such disordered people do not think about others and she has certainly given neither you or her son here any consideration at all.

You have a choice here still; you do not have to keep trooping around there as a family to go and see these two dysfunctional relatives of his. It is NOT your fault they are the ways they are; you did not do that lot of damage to them.

Your boundaries are way too low and they have taken advantage. Behaviour like his mother and his brother display should not be at all tolerated but completely rejected.

Not at all surprised to see that FIL is long gone; women like his wife cannot do relationships and therefore the man becomes fed up and leaves or is kicked out.

You are dealing with his family of origin and these people never ever play by the "normal" rules governing familial relations. The rulebook goes out of the window when it comes to such emotionally dysfunctional families. You simply cannot apply "normal" rules of familial relations to such people.

I would suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward so you can further understand the dynamics.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/03/2015 16:24

Why do you not currently at least want to go no contact with such awful people?. You are still under no obligation to put up with such frankly awful relations. It will also do your children no favours at all to see their parents be so thoroughly disrespected on each and every visit you make to them.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/03/2015 16:25

DH is the weak link.

Suggest you tell him that you can fix this but he has to back you up, and he has to grow the fuck up and fast. You're going to assert yourself, the visits are stopping, the texts will not be answered and MIL will be upset. This doesn't make you a bitch. If he disagrees with any of this, doesn't support you or goes behind your back, then you might have to question the whole marriage.... Hmm

Ultimately, he has to be a little more scared of upsetting you than he is of her.

Original poster
layla888 · 09/03/2015 16:30

Thanks cogito and attila i was thinking i was going crazy as everyone tolerate and takes the behaviour as normal within the family and i have never seen anything like it before i met dh Hmm but yes your both right. i do feel she has a hold over us and no contact is the best thing i think.

OP posts:
MelonBallersAreStrange · 09/03/2015 16:37

Bil is a drunk, and heroin user
You take your children to this person's house for most of each weekend? Are you on glue?!

I don't want to upset MIL
You'll have to get over that. She WILL be upset if you set boundaries.

i have tried to go no contact but get text such as "layla888 were all really worried...
It is you that goes no contact, not her. She'll go maximum insane contact to drag you back. You have to ignore. Decide how often each week you are willing to text her: twice? Text her twice, when you want to. Ignore everything else. She will go batshit of course. You just have to ignore it. If you stop responding, eventually she'll stop texting: it is like dealing with a stalker.

Here's a text for you:
"Dear MIL, we will not visit your house again. We cannot allow our children to be in the presence of an unreformed alcohol and drug abuser. You are welcome to come to our house for Sunday dinner every other week. Regards layla"
Ideally, your DH would send it instead of you though.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/03/2015 16:42

No contact may be the best thing but I think you'll have a hell of a job dragging your DH from where he is now to that position. I don't think it's realistic in the short term. You can cut her influence down, ignore the calls, cancel the visits and make a lot of good decisions and expect him to back you up. That is going to be very challenging for him from what you describe. But I think the decision to go no contact has to come from him ultimately if it's to hold water.

MaybeDoctor · 09/03/2015 16:45

Why do you go there every Saturday and Sunday too? When do your children go to the park, play with their toys, meet friends, do their homework or go on family outings?

I am amazed that you have put up with this for so long already.

Be honest with your DH and say that you want to cut it down to one visit a fortnight and she can phone him once a day. If she texts, just ignore or send the same message back again 'We're fine, thanks - just busy. See you on [date].'

Your BIL is not safe for your children to be around. Is he on methadone? A young child died last year from drinking discarded methadone.

slithytove · 09/03/2015 16:50

New number, trf old number onto payg sim, don't tell mil new number

Don't visit.
Don't call.
Tell dh he can visit whenever he pleases.
Decide when and where you are happy to see mil, (at yours once every couple months?) and proceed that way.

slithytove · 09/03/2015 16:52

And make lots of nice plans for your mil and bil free weekends

Joysmum · 09/03/2015 18:13

I know it upset DH cuz in the car on the way home i said to dh i can't believe you let BIL talk to you in front of your kids like that

Perhaps discussing this with the kids in the car wasn't the best option.

Joysmum · 09/03/2015 18:14

Bugger, posted too soon.

As everyone else said, this needs to be a United front with you and your DH and I'd spend more time trying to get him to talk initially before you move on to working out what to do next.

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