Sex/communication

[katiekatie]

Hi I'm looking for advice my husband and I are on the verge of splitting up & this has been several years coming.
We dont have sex anymore, we're not affectionate and its lonely. Having said that we dont argue, we get along fine, like housemates bringing up kids i guess. I want to salvage it though, i thought i'd accepted its over & wanted that but i suddenly feel scared about the future and stability for the kids.
Our sex life was never amazing, we have different libidos aswell (me: 3/4 per week, him once a month ish if im lucky!) so im not looking for fireworks (well it would be nice but im being realistic).
I know a big problem is my self esteem, and while i know lots of people are going to say you need to be happy within yourself and not look to your partner for it - i dont get any affirmation from him whatsoever, he's never told me im beautiful or any such like, in fact the only compliment ever was once during sex he told me i had nice tits (really). Ok, its shallow to want compliments but i need them to feel wanted, i cant go from zero, i cant muster up the want without feeling wanted. Obviously i married him like that and he's said a few times i am what i am and i cant change but he needs to or we're going to lose this. We love & care about eachother very much btw, i know that because i practically forced him to tell me how he was feeling the other day and i know him so i know he means it! Does anyone else have a very undemonstrative husband?

If you love and care for each other but the inability to express affection and appreciation are a sticking point causing a loss of intimacy, then you could be candidates for relationship counselling.

Some people are undemonstrative but can still manage to communicate love and affection. I have a boyfriend who makes me ROFL when he says 'I love you' because the expression on his face when he says it is one I'd associate more with constipation.... it looks painful But he's very physically affectionate and that more than makes up for it.

Relationship counselling to improve the communication perhaps?

ME!!! He has told me once in 9 years he loves me, never buys me gifts, has never told me he thought I was beautiful and definitely never said I had nice tits. He sounds like a shit but there's other stuff he's never done too.

He's also never criticized me ever. Never about how I look, my weight, the state of the house, my parenting, my over spending, or anything a man could criticize a woman about. I joked the other day that I was pretty sure he wasn't capable of losing his temper because I'd never seen him do it in 9 years. He couldn't even remember the last time he got angry its been so long.

I do know without a doubt he loves me, he struggles greatly saying it though. We're very affectionate, the sex right now is amazeballs and he works really hard to provide for us. I think for him love is an action and that is how he shows it. I do miss the love decorations but it's the actual lack of judgment that has a greater impact on me.

"Ok, its shallow to want compliments"

I don't think it is, not at all. A compliment costs someone nothing to say and it doesn't even have to be that creative for gods sake. "That's a nice dress", "Your hair looks sexy", or even just "come here sexy squidgy bum". I would find it very difficult to live with someone who couldn't make that amount of effort.

Regarding the sex - I think since he's been like this from the beginning and his words seem to indicate he has no desire to change, you're going to have to make a decision on whether you're happy with an unenthusiastic shag once a month. Would he be happy for you to find a FWB? Or just invest in a really top quality vibrator?

haha i have one pocketsaviour, couldnt live without it :) what is an FWB ?
That sounds nice sensationalgirl, lucky you, i could live with it if he demonstrated it rather than said it.
I should say that he is now complaining about the lack of sex, which sounds condractictory but im not just going to take once a month with nothing in between - NOTHING! and i dont feel sexy, he does nothing to show me he thinks im sexy, he just wants sex now & then. sigh.... i dont know what to do

The problem with sex is that it's meant to be natural and spontaneous. Once you start sitting down and discussing sex in a more deliberate way you've automatically lost something vital to the process... (An FWB is a 'friend with benefits'... so probably not)

I would treat it not as a sex issue but an affection and intimacy issue. For you to be in the mood for sex, you need to be shown affection, appreciation and intimacy (hugs, compliments, attention etc) on a reasonably regular basis... yes? That's the part I'd be addressing either one-on-one or via a counsellor. How to get more casual/natural affection and intimacy into your day-to-day.

What bothers me is that you say your sex life has never been much to write home about. It bothers me because, whilst you can change behaviour short term, you are unlikely to alter someone's core personality. The risk is that a cold fish will always be a cold fish.

Katie you need a fwb and a vibrator.

The lack of affection is worse than the lack of sex I think. Can you change an unaffectionate man into a moderately affectionate one? Is it even possible?

Do you know for sure he loves you? Does he have ways, even odd ones that show you you are important in his life? What is his love language?

Cogito wrote it better. What she said.

BTW... I'm not totally sold on 'love language'. If my 'love language' is cuddling on the sofa and his is re-grouting the bathroom tiling, we are going to fall out pretty quickly. There has to be a certain amount of compatibility or everyone's going to end up disappointed and resentful.

Good point about love languages sensational.

Love Languages test OP try doing this test and ask him to do it as well. Could be very revealing.

I found out that I tend to express my love and caring through gifts, and I expect it to be reciprocated. This explains to me why I get so hurt if someone gives me what I think is a thoughtless present for birthday/xmas. Someone giving me a gift they've thought about, especially if handmade, means more to me than them saying "I love you" a million times.

I started thinking I wonder whether they have come across the 'languages of love' book as i read this thread. DH is definitely a 'show love through gifts' while I am a physical touch ( not nec sexual, but physical affection is vital for me).

Over the years we have learned to accept our differences and at least understand the other's approach. Hope you can find the same.

Thank you.
You're right Cogito, I just don't know how sex would go now...so awkward focusing on intimacy as you say may be better, of a better way to start. Do I even want to though? (No) but I'm scared of the thought of leaving him, I feel like we're a unit, but I cannot go on like this. He's taken a day off at the end of the week so we can discuss things properly because it's too tiring in the evenings & the dc's are terrible eavesdroppers. I'm worried about hurting his feelings but I just want to scream you're a cold wet fish & I can't take it anymore!

How to answer the question am I sure he loves me?
Erm.. He's an awkward, quiet person but more relaxed around me, I don't like confrontation of any kind & he has a quiet life with me!
He worries about me if I'm feeling ill or if I'm having a hard time with my (incredibly difficult) mother
I've been away a few weekends with girlfriends & he's said he's missed me.
I know these are slim pickings & I'm sure there's more I can't think of but I do know him & can tell (I think ha!)

At least he's taken some time off to discuss. That's something. But if you don't want to fix the problem, are you just kicking the can down the road?