*possible triggers* Looking after ill father, advice please

[happinessisforotherpeople]

My elderly dad got cancer 18 months ago & was in & out of hospital & an invalid etc, so obviously needed help for a few months, because you have responsibilities to your family and you 'HAVE' to help them, don't you? (he is all I have as NC with mum & sibling, both mum & dad NC with their whole families).

If someone can't leave the house you have to help them, get shopping, do washing, take them to appts etc etc, don't you? That's what happens, parents get old & you look after them, don't you? You don't get a say, that's a fact of life? Does that change if they abused you as a child?

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. You 'have' to do the right thing (queen people pleaser :( ) We've never been close (DM & he split when I was about 5 and rarely saw cos circumstances til I left school) and obviously I've never felt comfortable (never left my kids alone with him etc), we've never been close as he has zero social skills anyway but what other options can I possibly have? I can't suddenly go NC after all this time in advance anticipation of his oncoming ill health filled twilight years.

Thing is my DH went mental at me for helping him as he says he's looking out for me, but what other option do I have? There is no-one else to do it. I don't see what I'm supposed to do. I'm obviously not happy about it either :'( I'm torn into pieces because I'm always paralysed by trying to please everyone (obviously my opinion doesn't come into it cos I realised I've never made a decision in my life, always gone along with expectation etc). DH is now heaping even more pressure about this stuff onto me but I don't want to go on & on!

I'm dealing with a million things at once at the moment and am really struggling sometimes so I would appreciate some advice on this if anyone can offer any insight, thanks in advance xx

I think it is important for you to take some time to work out how you feel about it and what you actually want to do. Only then can you consider that alongside what you feel you ought to do and what your DH wants, to work out a plan.

Is it emotionally or practically difficult for you to help your father ?
Is it causing you a lot of problems (other than your DH being angry?)
How does your father treat you now?
If you were able to take other people's reactions or judgments completely out of the equation, what would you do?

No need to answer those questions on the thread unless you want to, it's just a prompt to start considering what you want.

Don't fall into the trap of looking after everyone except yourself. It is perfectly ok to put your own needs and wants front and centre. In the circumstances, you do not owe your father love and care.

Hi op

There is no rule in life or in law that says you have to be the dutiful daughter, that thought is yours lovely I'm sorry

Guilt is an horrendous thing it can make us do or out up with the abnormal and abusive people and situations, and this is where you find yourself.

You don't have to do anything for him this is why we have social care in this country, yo could ring them today and tell them you can no longer do this and hand him over to their care. In a way as harsh as it may seem he reaps what he sewed sp

From your post the position your in already sounds like it's taking it toll mentally and psychically, you don't mention what type of abuse it was but to be honest it doesn't really matter. I'm not surprised your dh is going mad so would I, if I had to stand by and watch somebody go through the agonies you are.

This is not your cross to bare, hand it over to someone else or else you and your family will suffer the impact, also might I suggest some counselling for yourself

Put not out

Thank you both for taking the time to reply, I appreciate your comments.

Monstrous, it's hard to imagine what I want cos I never see things that way, I've only very recently realised I've never made a decision for me in my life (married cos expected to, accepted cos he asked, kids cos you 'should by now', job cos I got put on a course that led to it etc) so I've always been in the trap. I'm pondering your questions so thank you for the starting point :) xx

Guilty, you're absolutely right that it's from me (again just realising I've put all these expectations of the 'done thing' on myself) it's just so hard to imagine the alternative and how I could possibly explain to the DC :( As it happens I started counselling (3rd tmrw) and I raised this a little last week with her but she doesn't give anything back for all my talking so I'm not sure how it's going to go. Fingers crossed though eh? Thanks xx

I can understaqnd that. I trap myself with my thinking quite a lot! All I can say is, daydream your ideal life, or things that make you happy, or what you'd like your daily life to look like, until you get a sense of what you want.

You do not need to look after him, there is social care and yes some children do look after their elderly parents but that is due to the fact they love them and the parent has raised them. It sounds like he was an absent father so you do not owe him anything.

Ideally I want is to run away & start again completely on my own! I've failed miserably at life so far so feel I could do with a fresh start (the million things I refer to above), and DH & DC would do better without me, but then depression makes you think that way so goodness knows what I'll do!

Your replies are very helpful though, thank you, and I hope you can get out of your trap too! xx

Hi again op

If your counsellor isn't being what you need then you can challenge them, I have known one who wouldn't say anything needless to say clients didn't stay very long with her. But it horses for courses, some clients aren't interested in the counsellors thoughts they just want to be heard.

Maybe you want to be challenged on your thoughts? Why where when etc, the first few sessions is critical because that's where you begin to get a sense of the therapeutic relationship and whether you can work together. If the counsellor is not right for you your entitled to shop around, some are more direct than others it sounds like you want a therapist who engages a bit more.

Remember you have choices about the type of therapist you want and also about your current situation. I was worried about how my its on you comment would come across, but it's harsh but true no one can make you feel anything, only you can make yourself feel a certain way.

Oh and my first challenge would be your user name,

Why do you feel that way, when did you start to feel that way, what was going on then for you to start thinking like that, and is that thought process something you want to work on.

Abused you? Yes I think that changes thinks greatly.

There are of course different types of abuse and levels of severity.

Which type of abuse was it if you don't mind me asking?

Thanks guilty, of course you were right, I know the score, but actually doing it is different iykwim (hence you being astute to know I want to be challenged on my thoughts ) I intend to ask tomorrow if she is going to have more input now I've told my story, I need massive help to know what to actually do. I'm so lost with everything I don't know what I want, let alone how to get there so I need guidance to help know what to ask myself so I can find the answers.

I chose my name cos it's how I've always felt, I exist, I don't live, I just don't fit anywhere, always looking in, but over the past say 18 months I feel I've woken up that life isn't just for other people, but because I've never had anything, I don't know how to if that makes sense. I've been unhappy ever since I can remember, and I include young childhood here, so it's over 30 years. Happiness comes from within yourself, others can't make you happy, but if you don't know who you are, how can you find yours? Sorry I've gone on a bit

Quitelikely - He stopped short of rape. But then someone else did that when I was a teenager anyway.

One of the things I've taken from your post is that your dealing with a numbers of issues, and you couldn't possibly deal with everything all at the same time.

If you were standing in the eye of a tornado and looking up, you would see everything flying around your head, that's probably pretty much what's happening at the moment. The earliest thing I take from your op is the abuse of you by your father.

If you can take that as a starting point, you would be able to do a time line of events up to the present time. This would enable you to see how your life has turned out due to that early event, and how you can do things differently going forward.

In essence to start unpicking the big ball of string which is in your head, you have to unravel it bit by bit, only then will you start to understand who you are and who you want to be. It's a journey op it's painful and can be hard going, but enlightening and enables you to start making clear choices.

Your first priority though is to make time for this journey to start, and that means social care for your dad, and telling your dh that you need to work on yourself and need his support.

Yes you're right (and I very nearly couldn't). As it happens, I just blurted out timelined myself for my counsellor as it seemed the logical thing to do! It started a few years before the abuse by him, I'm quite self aware so I've been mostly aware of my process as I've gone along, but it's as though the bits have all come together in the last few months so I understand my why I am, just not who I am or who I could be, so yes it is exactly like I'm in a thought storm.

I feel unable to know what to do with the information, as I have too much going on as you guessed, and don't know what I want. DH tries to be supportive, but he is one of the elements in the head storm too. I don't know how you're supposed to 'know' what to do.

I do know however that I am grateful for your advice & support, thank you again xx

Your welcome op

I wonder if you might agree to a clearing of the decks to try and get yourself some head/personal space. Is there a way you could get some agencies involved with your Dad just to buy yourself some down time. The biggest issues at the moment post wise is the care for your Dad, I know that's tied up with the past abuse etc, but maybe some respite for him and you might concentrate your mind.

Sometimes doing something practical allows the unconscious to pop up and prompt a thought process, give the hands something to do free's up the mind sort of thing.

I agree. Phone social services up tomorrow and tell them you want an emergency assessment for a care package for your dad. He DOES NOT deserve a daughter like you and you have NOTHING to feel guilty about. Then take a step right back and get your thoughts in better order.

It's time for you op, get yourself healed and learn to listen to what you want.

Are we talking sexual abuse? Physical abuse along the lines of a few good harding are wrong, however sexual abuse.. well I would say get him a care package, and look out for yourself. As if this man sexual abused you then he didn't care for you when you where a vulnerable child, so why as an adult should you feel obliged to do it for him?

Starr by not laying the guilt trip on yourself, fact of the matter is many people put their parents into care homes.. He can't expect anything more of you, it's time to look after yourself. He would get better care in a care home anyway as they have the facilities and qualifications to provide pain relief. Please give yourself a break, work on yourself and healing. You have your own children now, you sound like a very kind person who perhaps puts others first too much. Hope all goes well :)

Also just to add, the care package is usually free unless your Dad has any savings, then they would expect him to use those first

Would you do it for anyone else who had abused you?

You don't have to do anything.

If you can't do it yourself, recognise that you are vulnerable and take the lead from your OH and let him protect you.

FWIW, my siblings and I had to work on our mother to detach from her EA mother.
I don't think your OH should make it hard on you, as it could another form of abuse, but rather help you feel that you can let go of that nasty man.
Could you explain to him that you need his support in that form?

Hello Happi

I presume you live close if you are currently already providing help ?

Why dont you think as though you live miles away, then you would have to put all the practical things in place !

Your father needs a care assessment & a care package put in place. He may need to pay for this himself if he has assets

Going to appointments - taxi or bus, some counties offer free transport to hospital via people who volunteer to give people lifts, you have to phone in advance to book the lift

Food - Supermarket delivery or meals on wheels

Cleaner

Carers

Friends - There are voluntary organisatios that offer befriending support over the phone or by visit to the house once a week

Help & advice - Help the Aged, Saga, Social Services

For your own health & well being, I would get as much practical help put in place so that you dont have to do things yourself

My top tip is to keep yourself mentally & physically healthy first

Look after yourself first, if you are able to offer your father some support ok, but dont give more of yourself than necessary

I would work on any guilty feelings with your cousellor

Stay strong & good luck

Time for you to put your own health as a priority. And those of your kids.

It.s hard to put yourself first when you've always been the "go-to" person.

Tell me, I know about it. But you won't be thanking yourself in the future if you give your power and energy to everyone else.

To each and every one of you that has replied, thank you, I really appreciate it, some great advice & tips