Fallen out of love - any chance at all it will return?

[RahRahRahRahRahRah]

Really after some experiences from others. I'm on waiting list for counselling but it's looking like a while off so I could do with some help sorting things out in my head.

So DH knows I am very low about our relationship. I just don't feel like I love him any more after his behaviour has gradually chipped away at it.

We had a huge argument last night (just before he went away for a week so not great timing) after he asked for sex and I reacted pretty crossly. I understand why he was hurt at my reaction. I've been trying so hard to try and get some feelings back for him but bottling it up is turning me into an angry, unhappy person.

I can't get over my hurt at some of his past behaviour. Although he has accused me of holding a grudge, he has also said he doesn't want to be that person any more and he won't behave like that again. So far this seems to be true. But it's not making my feelings return.

Has anyone fallen out of love, only to have feelings return and be happy? Or should I accept that this is over?

If I'm perfectly honest I want to end the relationship but it feels like an impossible task.

I have MASSIVE guilt over this that I can't get over. Guilt over the DCs and guilt over DH. I just don't want to hurt DH. I wish that there was someone else for him so that he wouldn't be devastated by this.

We have also just renovated our house. This is causing me problems not only because DH is so happy now we've finally done this, and potentially us splitting would cause him to have to move out which I feel terrible about (it was his place that I moved into at the start of our relationship). But financially I don't think I could afford to move out, plus it would be more disrupting for the DC as I am primary carer.

We also have both amassed debt during the renovation. We need to remortgage but this can't happen for approx. six months as DH has just started a new job (another thing that's making me feel like i can't do anything as we are financially reliant on this position working out).

So my plan was to stick it out until the remortgage and hopefully in that time things will have improved. If not, we would both be in a better financial position and would have paid off our debts.

But I'm finding it so hard, I'm in a downward spiral of depression and I am not being very nice to DH. I'm trying but I don't seem to be able to keep it up.

Sorry this is so long, I know advice is hard but I am hoping other's experiences can give me hope here

I don't think love can be summoned up where it doesn't exist. It wouldn't be natural .... 'Their eyes met across a crowded room and she did her level best to be nice to him and force herself to feel some love'. Don't think so, do you? If there's a history of hurtful behaviour it might even be foolish to stick around waiting for love to return. Getting away from hurtful people is generally a smart thing to do.

If you really want to end it, find practical solutions to the obstacles because, however tough it may be, it'll be a lot easier than trying to love a man that's hurt you.

I don't know how to overcome the obstacles at the moment, that's and the guilt are what's stopping me.

Is it madness to try and stick it out for six months? I wish I found it easier to bury my feelings so I could just get on with it, I feel like the cork has popped though

Cogito. Have you ever given advice other than "it's over , move on , you'll be better for it" I dont know your personal circumstances, and you probably have good reason for this school of thought. It just seems to me that your opinions are presented as fact, and there are plenty of people who have come out of the other side and managed to get back on track.

OP. Good luck. Whatever you decide. Speak to the people closest to you and work out what is best for you.

"If I'm perfectly honest I want to end the relationship but it feels like an impossible task."

@Antican.... the OP is pretty clear what they want. I don't present anything as fact, just opinion

"Is it madness to try and stick it out for six months?"

Not necessarily. However, if you are depressed, you should seek treatment and, if you have DC, you should think about the atmosphere they are growing up in. I think it would be unkind to have your own timetable, not communicate it to DH and then spend six months not being very nice to him.

I have read marriage advice by people who have been married for a long time and they often say they have sometimes fallen out of love and it does return.

The big problem might be that although your dh has stopped his behaviour for now you still don't quite trust him. And just stopping bad behaviour won't bring the love back, he has to earn your trust and woo you back.

Giving him the opportunity to do that would be wise. You're hanging around for 6 months anyway why not tell him what you need him to do. If he fails then you'll know it was never going to work and walk away knowing you really tried.

Hmmm. I know someone who did re-find the love, but they hadn't been married prior to splitting, and hadn't the background of bad behaviour and recriminations that you do.

They had remained good friends throughout the split - they both saw other people, but nothing very serious - all the while, my friend maintaining that she had no romantic feelings for this man at all and no sexual attraction either.

But something triggered a reverse, mostly when he started to pull away and not be so available for her - and they ended up being married and having DC together. Still together, 12y later.

BUT - your situation is different. You have background, you have history, he has a history of bad behaviours that have "chipped away" your love - you have depression and a welter of other things going on. I believe that you would find it next to impossible to re-find love in your current circumstances.

You need to change your circumstances.
First, see what can be done about your depression - you're on a waiting list for counselling, but are you on any anti-depressants as well? Is your depression chemical, or reactive to the situation you are in? This will make a difference.
Perhaps you and your DH could agree to a sort of split for 6m - not necessarily move out, although this would be better for you, but all marital relationships and expectations to cease forthwith, to take the pressure off you.
Can you and your DH talk frankly about his past bad behaviours and the reasons why it has affected you so much? Does he understand in any way why his behaviour would affect you? Him calling it "holding a grudge" sounds rather like he expected you to just put up and shut up, forgive him and move on - which doesn't sound like he's really got any idea about how much of an effect his behaviour could have on you. This might be beneficial prior to the counselling, unless he's in the habit of gaslighting and belittling your opinions, in which case it won't help AT ALL and could make you worse :(
Do you keep a diary/thought journal? That can be very therapeutic and allow you to write out what you're processing - can help with "lightbulb moments" too.

Acceptance of the way things could go - i.e. you may never want to be closer to this man again - will help you as well. Your guilt is preventing you from moving at all - you need to look at the long picture, to see what could be different and think clearly whether or not it would be better to be apart than together.

OP. I could have written your post. Ours is also a series of his recurrent behaviours. And a cycle of apologise, promise to do better, intensive bursts of trying. But the continued pattern of behaviour has created a pit of resentment within me. In addition he is older, i figure unlikely to change. And his age IS now a factor, I am no longer attracted to him and he is by nature, scruffy. I am pushing him away. I can't have my dcs brought up in.this environment any more either. We are on a one last try but deep down I doubt love can be rekindled following repeated hurt. Resentment is so destructive.

I have been in a similar position. The book I love you but I am not in love with you from Amazon had some helpful hints about rekindling things. But only you know how you feel. If he has behaved badly will he change that's the crucial point. I feel it is worth giving a relationship all chances but knowing when to walk away is important too. What advice would you give to a friend in a similar position?