Decision made - hold my hand

[Alabamarama]

I've started a few threads like these over the last couple of years....

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2219305-Time-to-make-a-decision-but-need-help
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1964227-Two-years-on-and-very-little-has-changed

... But now I've finally told him its over, we are separating, we are divorcing.

He's furious, telling me I'm making a mistake, I'm going to ruin the DCs lives, he didn't know he was doing anything wrong, that I need to forgive him, etc etc.

He will receive a letter from my lawyer tomorrow which will make it real for all of us.

I think I'm really going to need some support over the next few months. He's already crying and telling me how I'm his life, how much he loves me, how he never meant any of it.

He always finds a way to turn every situation into being my fault, so even now he's saying that if only I told him how much his behaviour hurt me, he'd have changed. Even though I've been telling him for years and he hasn't changed. He minimises everything he's done.

He took today off work, so I haven't been home since dropping the kids at school. I've been sitting in a coffee shop for 2 hrs. I can't be around him. He says I'm just avoiding dealing with the problem, and that if we talk more everything will be fine, but I just don't want to and he doesn't want to hear it.

He's going to go off his head when he gets the letter.

Hi. I'm here holding your hand. I am a little way ahead of you having told my STBXH at the beginning of January that it was over. He did exactly as your H is doing, crying, saying I'm making a mistake etc. He even said he'd had an epiphany & realised how crap he was treating people & was going to start making changes in the New Year. It made no difference to me, I had made up my mind after thinking about it for nearly a year so there was no going back.

I had told him repeatedly what bullying control freak he was but it was just me talking shit whenever I spoke to him.

I also went to a solicitor quite early on & she wrote him a letter outlining my reasons & asking him to leave our house. He was livid & didn't speak to me for 2 days. When he finally did because I changed the wifi password, he went mad.

However, it does get better. He is still living with us but we are not sharing a bed & I do nothing for him. We have good & bad days. He us moving out this weekend & I can finally breathe a sign of relief & get on with the rest of my life with our DC's.

I'm not going to pretend the next few weeks/months are not going to be awful but posting here & reading other people's stories really helps. And if you need any support of just someone to rant at then PM me.

I remember some of your previous threads OP, I'm delighted you've found the courage to leave finally.

You have been telling him for years that his behaviour was unacceptable and nothing changed. You told him in October 2014 that you 'couldn't live like this anymore', and things carried on exactly the same. He knew things then were at crisis point, and he did absolutely nothing at all. So when he says you should have told him you know full well it's a LIE.

He has had all the time in the world to gain insight into his behaviour but he has point blank refused. Unsurprisingly - abusive men rarely change.

You knew that he would blame you for the split as he blames you for everything else. He even told he wanted you to make the decision about the split so that he could blame it all on you. Nothing he says has any validity. He is a weak, cowardly, bullying, controlling, liar.

You're doing amazingly well to get away from him finally.

If he does go 'off his head' when he gets the letter then call the police.

I am behind you with this. My DSL (15) has GCSEs exams starting very soon do I need to hold off from rocking the boat too much until they're finished.

It's amazing that even after they've been given several second chances they still blow it and still say they didn't realise they were making you unhappy

Good luck with everything

Thanks all, I remember your advice Twinklestein

I haven't left him, I'm hoping to stay in the house and for him to leave but he's not keen (obviously) as he doesn't think he's done anything wrong.

I just want him to go away.

I just want him to go away

I'm not surprised. He will eventually but I guess it'll be a long road. You've got everyone here for support if you need it.

OMG- I could have written your post almost word for word except that the solicitors letter arrived for my 'H' last Wednesday and remains unopened!
He is well aware of what the letter is about but refuses to accept it. I want to spend as little time with him as possible but he wants to talk (17 yrs too late) and is giving me no peace. I'll hold your hand if you'll hold mine!

Oh that's difficult LakelandLassie, I fear that's what H will do too.

I've been told that I should start applying for tax credits and child maintenance but I don't know if it's too soon as he is still in the house.

I've planned to take the DCs out straight from school today's bad not come back till late so I'm not here when he gets in from work.

If you can demonstrate that you are not living as a couple any more there are potentially some benefits you can claim. It's worth asking what the level of proof has to be.

Someone posted Lundy Bancroft's 'abuser profiles' on here yesterday. I read it and realised my H is the 'Water Torturer'.

If you are no longer together and he is not financially supporting you then you can claim. The best thing to do is call tax credits and ask them what proof you need.

Hi OP. Just checking in to see how things are now that your 'H' has received letter from solicitor? Hope you are OK