Big dilemma re elderly, bereaved grandfather

[PastaDecor]

I live in Ireland as single mum with two children.
My grandfather (GF) was admitted to hospital (second hospitalization in recent months) a few weeks ago.
Very sadly my mum, his daughter, passed away last week (I was estranged from my mum but am close to my grandfather).
My grandfather seems heartbroken and is deeply grieving, I felt he will go soon from a broken heart.
However the hospital plan to discharge him to a care home, rather than home to his own home.
Because of my estrangement, I'm not sure how much 2 other relatives (his son-in-law and other grandchild) are visiting or involved in decision-making about his future, though I can ask the hospital. They live some distance away (>100 miles) anyway and will be arranging funeral for my mum etc.
I can't bear the thought of my grandfather adjusting to new environment of care home and grieving so deeply and being pretty much alone.
I don't know to what extent my presence would help but he has benefited from our visits (twice now) they have lifted his spirits and we've been able to do quite a bit practically.
I even wanted him to consider being discharged to a care home over here in Ireland but I think he would not want to leave England and also I think he is no longer fit to fly.
So I am thinking of relocating to England for a few months to settle him into the care home - and just be there for him - which will take a fair bit of arranging as my eldest DC will need to change schools for those few months and we will likely to have to pay double rent to keep place here.
Financially I can just afford to do it.
All sorts of unknowns are in my head though

• what if he goes just before we arrive / very soon after (still worth temporarily relocating I think)
• what if he does recover somewhat after grieving so heavily - then will it be hard / impossible for us to leave in a few months' time (I really do not want to relocate permanently)

Also I will have to steer clear of other side of family if they are involved or visiting (abuse history so for my sanity and personal safety)...this could become hard. It might also potentially cause my GF stress, although so far the nursing staff have been very helpful here.

My work is computer based so I can work anywhere, thankfully.

Also as I have never cared for an elderly relative before, I'm just not sure what it all means. Who decides on a care home for him, who pays for it, can he ever go home (I'm guessing not if he is so frail and not likely to get better as he has a degree of heart failure), etc. etc.

I'm feeling as though I really want to do something - phone calls don't really work to keep an eye on him and it's so costly to have short trips over although that is the other alternative, but they are brief as I can't leave my young children here when I go over so we have to go over a weekend. I feel I will be more useful in keeping an eye on him, being there as emotional support etc. if we go say Easter til end Summer (if he makes it through these next few weeks) but just don't know what's for the best really - so much to factor in.

Has anyone else been in a similar position and found a way forward?

And regarding my worry about not being able to leave after several months above, I feel that I would be able to stick to my guns there somehow and perhaps ensure that his old friends from his village are visiting regularly and that good care is in place before leaving...so that it wouldn't feel like deserting him...

I'm sorry I won't have the time to give you a proper response - have to go off shortly - but it seems that much of the information you (and he) need to make a decision is simply not there. I'm concerned in particular about the possibility of you having to interact with others in an situation where there was past abuse - with your GF almost refereeing from his sickbed. (And his other family members will also wish to assist and be present?)

At the moment, and on the information you have, I feel that a move there wouldn't be good for anyone concerned. As you're in computers, would it be possible for you and your DCs to Facetime him daily or something similar that you might be able to set up?

Well I did the opposite to you, left England to come over to Ireland so my elderly father didn't have to go into a care home
On reflection it was a really bad decision for me and my family. I have no life, All my real friends live in the UK and I only have sporadic contact with them. I have little part in my adult children's lives and my grandchildren barely know me.
I have been here 5 years. My father is a good kind man but sees me as his child, which I am of course, but I have to defer to him regarding matters that normally I would decide. He is a dominant person and can be a little controlling. It can be suffocating.
If your children are happy and settled, I would not move them. Your Grandfather would not expect you to.
Think very carefully, a care home would give my father support and companionship that now is all down to me. Sometimes I wish I had not come, my life is awful.

NollaigShona what a dreadful situation for you to be in. Your post reads as if you are feeling utterly trapped because of the decision that you made five years ago. As an outsider, I can see that you aren't at all trapped; it would be difficult to change your situation but it would certainly be possible.

The OP's position is very different from NolliagShona's because she is temporarily relocating to support a transition from hospital to care home, rather than becoming a main carer herself. OP, I don't think anyone can make this decision but you since so much depends on the likely cost on your children. I would only say think it through very carefully. It's an intensely compassionate thing to do and perhaps it is right for you. In three months, perhaps not much could really go wrong. But don't lose sight of the need to think compassionately about everyone in the situation, including yourself.x

Thanks so much for your replies. I'm still thinking and trying to gather information.

Nollaig so sorry to hear about your hard situation. I hope you find a way of making your life less awful, you deserve to.

OP, very difficult situation but I don't think you can uproot the rest of your family when your GF's prognosis is so unknown.

Would it be practical for you to relocate temporarily and your DCs to stay at home with your DH? I'm sure that would be cheaper for you then to rent.

The other issue with moving is that school places are sometimes not readily available in all areas.

I cant offer much advice but I want to say you sound like a very caring, selfless person and your Grandfather is very lucky to have you.

My late FIL was transferred from hospital to a care home to receive palliative care (there was nothing more medically that could be done for him). That transition took a matter of weeks primarily because no care home initially would take him. That eventually got sorted out and the state paid for his final days in the nursing home he was placed into.

If this man is in hospital the social services team within it will find a placement for him outside of it. The local authority may well pay for all his care in this home too.

I would not uproot your whole family for your grandfather, a relocation to the UK under such circumstances is not a good idea particularly given past abuse from other family members.

Relocating sounds a bit extreme, especially as you will uprooting your children, twice. As well as sacrificing your own personal life, and possibly (not clear from your OP) moving closer to abusive relatives who you are NC with.

I realise that it is costly to make a number of trips on weekends and holidays, but it sounds like the solution that would cause least upheaval, while still giving your grandfather the benefit of your support. Maybe take a week or so of leave to settle him when his move happens, then go on however many short trips you can manage in the following months?

Thanks all for further replies.

I'm still trying to find out more information about the steps ahead.

I don't have a DP or DH and nobody to leave the children with for more than one night (DC2 is only 2 and wouldn't like a longer separation staying with childminders etc).

I am erring on side of not moving over temporarily but still very conflicted so no decision made as yet.

I wouldn't.

The disruption would be so great and so expensive, and it may not be the best thing to do even.

However, you could look at it as: if you were prepared to spend such a significant amount, presumably you would be happy doing a lot of travelling and hotel stays in order to be there, say, for a couple of weeks when he moves and then a long weekend every fortnight thereafter?

Although expensive it would be cheaper than your initial idea.
Although say missing two days school a fortnight would be disruptive, it would be less so than your initial idea.
Etc.

And - as you say - he may not have long. So you need to play it by ear. See how he settles. See how his health is. Travelling back and fro may be exhausting, but uprooting and then finding out you're not needed/wanted/he passes away suddenly would be all sorts of awful.

Good luck.

Hello Pasta

In England if you have assets you have to pay to stay in a care home, I believe that it is different in Scotland & Wales & Ireland www.ageuk.org.uk/home-and-care/care-homes/paying-for-permanent-residential-care/

I would not uproot my whole family

I would visit weekends maybe once a month if you can afford it

You could keep in more regular contact via phone, letter

He could possibly relocate to Ireland via car, train, ferry, but that would depend on GF health

If there are other family members surely they would have a say in what happens too ?

Good luck