A bit of help please, with dcs asking to see NC grandparents

[nikkinack]

DD2 asked who my mum and dad are at dinner today. She's four and I've been NC for 2 years so she doesn't really remember them. DD1 does remember them. The conversation went something like this:

DD2: Why don't we see them?

Me: Because I find it hard seeing them, it makes me sad.

DD1&2: Please can we see them?

Me:...

DD1: They must miss us.

Me: I'm sure they do.

DD1: I miss them.

Me: Do you?

DD1: Yes, she did colouring in with me.

DD2: Can we go for a sleepover with them? (and other similar requests)

Me: Well, I just said that it makes me sad when I see them.

DD2: They don't make us sad. Please can we?

Me:... I don't think so...

There have been a few other conversations over the years, where I've tried to explain simply why we don't see them, but this is the first time they've been so explicit about wanting to see them. DD1's 'They must miss us' hurt the most. How can I ever explain that while my mother has played the heartbroken grandmother to all around her, all she ever had to do was be remotely nice to me once over the past 2 years and she could have saved her relationship with my dds, but she can't bring herself to do it, and has abandoned them in preference to once asking me what she can do to fix things.

I'm fairly ok with how the conversation went, but it hurts, and it makes me question myself, and I worry about how it's going to go in the future.

You don't have to answer the questions. All you have to say is that it's a grown up decision and then change the subject. If you get follow up questions stick to the same line.

I don't know, I wouldn't want them to think they can't ask me about it. I'd like to be open and honest about it, in an age appropriate kind of way. I think they'd find it strange if I shut it down like that, I tend to explain most of my decisions (unless pushed for time or stressed or something, when the odd 'Because I said so!' pops out...)

Would a distraction technique work, ie you can't see grandad and grandma but you can see auntie/ uncle. or validate their feelings by saying its sad we do nt see grandad but you ve got lots of friends.

I've said that they have behaved badly and until I can be sure they will behave better and treat people nicely, then it's better not to see them. That if they apologise and I can be sure they won't be mean, then we can see them. But that if people are mean for a long time and aren't sorry for it, then it's better to keep away.

He asked what the details were and I said that it was grown up stuff and if he wanted to know when he was much older I'll tell him. (Ill tell him some of it, but not all).

I would say 'grandma isn't a very nice person' if they ask why 'she wasn't very nice to mummy'.

This is truly what I would say.

Don't feel guilty. Yes it's a shame the way it has worked out but you aren't responsible for it.

I think it shows what a good job you are doing as a parent - your DDs think everyone is like you: loving and caring and so are projecting this onto their vision of a Grandparent. I take it reality is far from that.

It is awful that you cannot trust your own family but when that is the case, you have to be explicit (on the right level) with them otherwise they build up a fantasy image, which leaves them open to getting very hurt. You don't have to tell them much: even the fact you don't trust your family will probably be enough.

I have a DB whom I don't like (he is a very damaging person) and I openly say I do not like him (no details) and that is why we don't see him.

It does hurt when your kids inadvertently hit a sensitive issue, so go coddle yourself a little, work on what they need to know (very little but enough to keep them safe) and be proud for doing the right thing by yourself (which is what NC is) and being a good parent.

I would compare it to children at school who are unkind or mean and say that just as you would not like them spending time with children who are unkind to them, some grown ups are like that even though they can seem nice at times, and so it's better not to spend time with them as you can't trust them to be kind. That's a bit sad because they're your mum and dad, but that's how they are and you have had to make that decision. Grown up decision as was said earlier.

Thanks, some good ideas here

I had to explain to my kids why I went NC with my dad 6 years ago and they would not be seeing him again. It's not easy, but all the advice you've been given by previous Ops is good. I just explained be was not a nice person and a bully. They have accepted it without any problems. But I wonder what will happen when they are 18 and whether he will make contact and start say nasty things and blame me for keeping him away from them. That's only a year away with my eldest DC.

"I wonder what will happen when they are 18 and whether he will make contact and start say nasty things and blame me for keeping him away from them"

If it's any reassurance, we were NC with one of my grandmothers and, as I grew up, I was aware that she was an unpleasant woman. Curiosity and circumstances meant that I met her once or twice later on but, quite frankly, I had better things to do as a young adult than hang around with crabby old ladies. I certainly wasn't going to take her side against my mother simply because she wasn't someone whose opinion I cared about.

My Dc have an uncle that they rarely saw growing up (married to a SIL), they knew that he had been very unkind to mummy so we didn't want to be friends with him. As they got older they heard more stories from other family members, a couple of older cousins had very strongly negative feelings about this man and filled them in, they knew that the NC was to protect them from someone who could be very mean.

He was someone they knew about and they did ask questions - how intriguing to have someone in the family they didn't get to spend time with - I think you are right to talk to them about it in an age appropriate way. To be honest I don't think them making you sad is the right thing to say, it does not convey the seriousness of it - they might think that if they made you sad you would not have contact with them. You have gone NC for a serious reason, you need to say that they were unkind / mean to you and it's not a good thing to be around people who are mean to you. You might also want to say that you did not want their gps around them incase they started being mean to them as well. You have gone NC to protect yourself and your DC - it's OK to say that IMO.

I think people are forgetting the DD is 4yo. The nuances of adult relationships are lost on a child that young. Even concepts like falling out with friends or people being mean can invite more questions than they answer. Sometimes it's really OK to say ... 'we just don't see them'.. rather than getting into a big complicated conversation.

I'm projecting a little because I was given far too much information about my NC grandmother (and other members of the family) and found it distressing to think that I was related to so many horrible people. I suppose I preferred to think of the world to be a happy place where people got along. And that was me aged 10yo and up.... not a tiny child.

It's a fine line between being honest, satisfying curiosity and protecting children from nasty stuff and avoiding upset.

it is a fine line - I totally agree, but I decided that whatever i told them had to be as honest as possible. If I remember rightly (and I might not as memory is an unreliable thing!) I started with something along the lines of "he can be mean" wrt their uncle. The main thing for me was for them never to feel that I had lied to them, but that I would always look out for them.

I think the OP's use of her mother making her sad is not strong enough, I would say something along the lines of "she can be very mean so we stay away from her". But I might be projecting as my BIL did not make me sad he made me bloody angry!

I think that is significant loiner. I use 'sad' as a euphemism for the anxiety and depression that I experienced whenever I spent time with them and which has disappeared since I stopped seeing them. It's hard to explain to other adults, never mind the DC.