So my husband is extremely tough and emotionally stressful to live with (so am I more on that later) even though on the outside he always pretends and claims to be the perfect husband, really his bad side is a sulky, dishonest, petulant, disrespectful ex-alcoholic who would likely go back to abusing alcohol any time if I didn't keep an eye on him.
He's not always horrible, in fact, some of the time he's lovely and the problem is he never really does anything that on the surface could be classified as abuse, ie: he doesn't hit me, he doesn't call me many names (though that has happened) but he abuses through smirking and scorn sarcasm, witholding, subtle slurs, emotional neglect, freezing out, ignorance, lack of affection, dishonesty, and tone of voice.
When he used to drink he used to be completly evil to me though, I mean really, really perverse, argumentative, put me down, all that sort of thing although he never hit me, and it was just awful which was why I had to put up a fight to stop all that, my life was just becoming unbearable.
Whenever I have confronted him about his abuse he just denies everything then calls me crazy, totally classic techniques I know but still really hard to deal with.
This may sound pretty harsh, and it is, and I have my flaws trust me but I'm super angry right now.
I'm desperately unhappy but the thing is if he changed everything would be great. My problem is that there's nothing concrete, if he hit me for instance I'd just walk, if he cheated on me or even said anything particularly awful like "I don't love you" it would be simple end of relationship.
In fact I've probably said more awful things to him than he's outright said to me. I've told him I don't love him that I am going to leave him but I always do this after he provokes me, it's like an abusive pattern we're in.
I'm sure I'm not imagining things whenever he tries to instigate abuse but he tells me I am. Now I'm a pretty smart woman and I'm pretty intuitive too and I also know I'm not crazy but when the abuse is subtle, it does leave you wondering if it is really happening, especially when the abuser fervently denies it.
The other problem is because I'm pretty intuitive, if the abuse isn't happening then why do I feel so bad? It's so bad sometimes I can't even look at him because the way he looks at me makes me want to hit him (he smirks) at me like something's amusing him.
I know love isn't always easy but it's not supposed to feel like this I'm sure. We've been together for ages and ages (I'm 35, he's 37) and we're trying for our first baby, which we both really want, but I am truly starting to think he is a bit of a damaged and unhealthy person, because I really am quite emotionally unhappy and our relationship is quite unstable.
He has a history of being dishonest with me, mostly surrounding alcohol, or at least the situations I have caught him out have been, so trust is pretty threadbare.
And I know that many of you are probably reading this thinking why stay then but like I said, the abuse is very subtle, but no less painful than if he'd hit me in the face.
The thing is as well that I do have insecurity issues so I don't want those to be clouding my judgement, but honestly, just today we went to the store together and I pointed to a packet of biscuits and said "I like those" and in a complete monotone he replied "I know," in front of another woman as if he hated me.
This after only this f**cking morning we'd had sex!!!!!!!! I was spitting chickens so, and I hate to admit it, we had an argument which culminated in me hitting him. Yeah pretty messed up I know.
See I'm not perfect I give as good as I get, I call horrible names, I've hit him sometimes in an argument, and yep that probably makes me an abusive partner too.
But honestly, if he didn't try and wind me up I wouldn't need to retaliate. Does that make me sound like an abuser making excuses too?
I want a healthy relatrionship with him, I don't want to fight, and he claims he doesn't either, but I don't know if any of you have been in this position, I feel as though I'm walking on eggshells sometimes because he acts like I don't make him happy. That puts me on guard because I know a subtle slur is on the way, and then sure enough something will be said that he knows winds me up but isn't anything that anyone else would ever be able to call abuse. Then we have an argument which usually results in him denying it and me calling him names or something like that.
Then we ignore each other for about a day. I know, really, really childish huh? And every time I just think to myself, everything was going so well, if he just hadn't said that thing, done that thing...Am I being unreasonable?
Another thing is when we go out sometimes he acts like he's checking out other women and I catch him smiling at them although he claims he doesn't. This wouldn't wind me up so much if he looked at me that way but sometimes the way he looks at me doesn't make me feel that he desires me anymore. Is this my paranoia?
I've asked him if he does and he says yes so I don't know what to think....
How can a man who claims to be in love with me and who I love make me feel so unhappy? How can he act like he can't stand to see me happy sometimes? Are we unhealthily co-dependent? We've been together forever and there honestly feels like there is a lot of love there but then at times it feels like he just hates me. 