My parents are knobs

[MyCrazyLife]

I could write a book on the stuff they've done to me. I won't, but I will say that they're arseholes, so after having counselling 3 years ago, I went no contact. They went to a solicitor to see my children (only bothered about the eldest, but solicitor would have advised them that they can't show favouritism when it comes to grandchildren, so they sought access to them all).

I was devastated, spent a week in bed crying, didnt want it to go to court then they got access anywa (our solicitor said it was extremely likely), so we agreed to once a month contact.

The new baby was born, she started going there at 16 months as she cried when the older two went without her.

Things started to pick up - me and DH enjoyed our child free time and the DC actually enjoy going, which is the main thing I suppose.

And now? Now my dad has got a new job in the Middle East, and will be moving there in May; living there indefinitely. Apparently my mother has said that she doesn't think she'll be able to cope with three children in her own.

So after all that, the contact visits will more than likely stop from May, and the DC won't see her (I am not having that woman in my house!). What the fuck?? What should I do?

I knew they only ever wanted control over me...

Sorry, forgot to say I was pregnant with our third child throughout the solicitor stuff.

I'm not sure why you have to do anything? You mean if the dc still want to have contact with her? She can come and take them out for the afternoon or similar, presumably, I wouldn't offer her any option just to take one or two.

Sounds like a good time to reinforce the decision to go no contact, not sure why your mum isn't going with your dad to the Middle East but there's a risk if she stays it'll become harder to maintain no contact.

You don't have to have her in your house, you just have to make them available to her.
Send and email or something concrete in writing saying she is welcome to come and take them out as per the arrangements and then if she makes can't cope noises let it die a death. Then should they get a bee in their bonnet again you haven't broken any contact order they just haven't upheld their end of it.

It was only once a month so its not like its going to be a terrible upheaval if contact remains or goes.
Carry on with your life as normal and don't give them the head space they want.

Thank you.

There's no legal requirement to send my dc to her as it never got to court. But i'll wait to see if she contacts me rather than chasing her up. My 3 year-old said she doesn't like her as she shouts!

Shes not moving with my dad as this is the perfect set up for her - she won't actually have to live with the man who irritates the hell out of her, but he'll be on triple the wage and she'll have a free holiday every 6 weeks...

I'm amazed they got legal access to grandchildren in the first place. I didn't think grandparents had any 'contact' rights in the UK.

OK... it was the part with the solicitor that threw me. I think, in the circumstances, I'd ignore them completely OP. Get on with bringing up the family in the way you see fit, leave the GPs out of the picture entirely and then if they ever did try to gain access in a legal sense, they'd have absolutely no leg to stand on because there would be no ongoing relationship with the children.

There is a point in everyone's life where 'the immediate family' stops being 'me, siblings, Mum and Dad'.... and becomes 'me, partner, and DCs'. This is the point for you OP. Close ranks.

what to do now?

If they are that bad: rejoice.

I think you need to step back and look at your goal. Which is that they don't have contact. (you don't give the backstory so I'm assuming there is very good reason for this?). So they have messed you around all this time, but you knew they were unpleasant people. Keep your eyes on the goal: they don't have contact with the children.

You've just got your wish.

If I were you, I'd mail M saying somethign like are you sure you won't be abel to take them once a month? and when she says that she thinks she can't manage them alone - keep that email forever

If your father comes back from the ME after some months / years, there will have been a break of some time where the grandchildren have not seen their grandmother. Unless they change and are a more positive influence in yours / the childrens' lives, you can say that it's too disruptive and that yes, they would have to fight it through the courts. Not having had them for some time would be evidence on your side.

From this point onwards you can go NC.

(Again, Im assuming there is good reason for going NC and that the situation cannot be talked about and worked out reasonably)

Well, hopefully here is you chance to get that NC after all.

Play it clever.

Make sure you contact in writing to offer children to visit. Keep a diary of all 'missed' contacts. Gradually back off. NEVER let her off with taking one child - but make it seem as if you're on board - 'What? No, it's not fair at all for you to choose just one for a day out - you can't play favourites!' Hopefully, she'll see them rarely or not at all. Make sure you document it all.

Then go NC. Go to a solicitor and get advice - explain the previous threats to take you to court for access, that you caved and allowed access, and that they've now dropped it when it suits them, distressing your DC (although also the children are starting to report abusive behaviour towards them). Explain that you fully expect that once they realise you've cut contact, they will start with threats of court again, but it's not because they want to see your kids - it's simply about control.

A solicitor would laugh at the thought of them getting anywhere with a court order when you had proof of erratic contact, contact dropped then picked up to suit them, along with reports of abuse from the DC, all with a background of the parent wanting no contact all along, and only being forced into it through fear. It's HARD for a grandparent to get an order, and they would almost surely fail to even be allowed to apply.

But for now, sounds as if it's win-win for you.