Missing ex almost a year on :(

[Lucie900]

Is it normal to still miss an ex partner after almost a year, even when they've treated you badly?

I was in a relationship for 3 years with a man who I thought I had a future with. To cut a long story short, he turned out to be a player who lost interest and cut me off without any real warning or explanation. There was no closure to the relationship and I had a hard time dealing with it. He is now with someone else and has pictures of them together all over social media (I've blocked him but still sometimes look when online with friends.) The relationship ended 8 months ago and I haven't been with anyone since - I've tried dating but I just can't feel the same about anyone else.

We clicked in every way and that's what makes it so hard. We got on really well, he knew exactly what I liked sexually (sorry for TMI but we both had the same kind of bedroom interests and it's rare that I find someone like that.) I really loved him and after a few months of thinking I was over him, this weekend the feelings have all come back. I found myself really wanting to text him last night, thinking that perhaps he'd realise he'd made a mistake and want me back. I didn't though - I've deleted his number anyway.

It's so hard. This new woman he's with is so different to me. She was married when she met him so it seems like he's broken up a marriage which doesn't surprise me. I feel really sad as I know he's moved into her flat and it's like she's got the life I thought we'd have together (we were talking about moving in together when he went all cold on me and decided to end it.)

No idea why these feelings have come back out of the blue. I just miss him and wish I could turn back time and fix it. I can't find anyone who even comes close to him.

I have no answers but I do know how you feel. The same thing, almost word for word happened to me. He then moved her into our house, they married and had children. They've split up now and I thought I was over it - my life has moved on hugely since those days, but actually, I was gutted to hear they'd broken up because if they'd stayed together then at least what I suffered would have been worth something.

And like a fool we rekindled things, and I thought we would be able to lay some ghosts to rest but no, old wounds opened, along with new slices and cuts. It's over again, now.

It does get better - I do recall being almost unable to remember anything about him. Time does heal if we let it.

I think the answer is in your last sentence. You 'can't find anyone'.... i.e you're lonely. In the absence of someone better to think about, your memory has defaulted to nostalgia by conveniently forgetting all the crap but remembering all the good times. If you've been with someone a long time the world is also full of nostalgic triggers. .... songs on the radio, anniversaries, places you visited.

If I were you I'd address the idea of someone who 'comes close' to this man.... because I think you're aiming far too low. Why on earth would you want someone even remotely like the self-obsessed wanker you describe who enjoys shitting on women from a great height? For all you know you may have even met someone already and are not conscious of it. Decent men tend to be a little less obvious and a little less pushy and, if your judgement has been skewed by bad experiences, they can be overlooked.

Good luck .... but raise the bar.

Lucie just wanted to say that I totally understand where you're coming from. It was one year since I split from my ex on Friday. I find that I'm totally fine during the day but I still find myself reflecting on things at bedtime when everything is quiet and there are sometimes a few tears. I have been on about a dozen dates in the last 12 months but none have gone beyond a first date. I now suspect like Cognito says that it's less missing my ex than not having a partner which is bothering me.

(I've blocked him but still sometimes look when online with friends.)

This is the problem. Seeing info about him triggered your feelings again.

If you feel like that about someone, the ONLY way is to go no contact. 100% and forever. Some times you can remain vulnerable to one or two people who hurt you deeply and the desire to win them back/have them chase after you to ease your pain can be overwhelming.

Being blunt, you know this is really your fault for looking at his stuff on social media.

Don't do it again.

It is actually quite tricky with things like Facebook. Even if you block or remove your ex as a friend, if you have mutual friends they are likely to still pop up in photos on the news feed page.

Checking in because I can't get over an ex to the point where it's affecting my current relationship. My thing with ex ended last July and we have been nc ever since. I had the usual period of wanting to contact then by about xmas I thought I was over it but now I'm back itching to have contact but at the same time wouldn't give him the time of day.
I am with a fantastic man now but my enjoyment of this relationship feels so tainted by my heartbreak before it started. Ex lied to me so blatantly and I look for evidence dp is lying though he's never given me any justification for doing this. I am suspicious and negative and struggle to see the positives when dp waits on me like a queen and really tries his best to supprt me emotionally and we really are best friends.
For example I noticed today dp overnight bag was out in his room and I immediately thought he'd stayed overnight with someone recently and not told me. Then I realised he had stayed overnight - with me last week. I becoming so mistrusting and poisonous o think if I told dp half of what goes through my mind he would think I was nuts with nothing nice to say. It's all about ex though I drive past his house on the way to lots of places I go to and every time it starts me off re traumatising myself all over again it's getting worse.

I need to be repeating to myself.......'it's not your fault xxx was a total arsehole. He was like that before you met him and still is'

It's tough. Thanks for your replies, it helps to know other people feel the same.

I try not to check his Facebook and sometimes I don't do it on purpose. Sometimes a well intentioned friend will say something like "God, look, he's already taking her out with all his friends!" in a way that's meant to be supportive, like she's criticising him. Then she shows me a photo on her phone of him in a pub with all his old friends (who never really liked me much) smiling with her by his side. It's so stupid but when I look at her I think, "you had a husband and a house and you'd been married years! Why on Earth did you feel that you needed to get together with the man I thought I would marry?" That's also a stupid thought because I don't even think he left me for her. I think they met after, possibly? Thought I can't know for sure. Just part of me thinks that if he wasn't with her, he might still want to be with me.

I was OK for months though. Then this weekend I came crashing down, I felt so sad about it all. I would have given anything for him to phone me up and say he was sorry and we could start again. Yet at the same time, I still hate him and would want to tell him where to go! It's so odd! I know that even if he did walk back into my life tomorrow, things wouldn't be the same as they were. His past behaviour would always be in my mind and I can't trust him again.

I'd been doing so well. I made new friends, pursued new interests, made myself meet new people. Then I thought back to what it used to be like with him and started missing him. So strange the way our minds work.

Recovery isn't a linear thing, lovely. And I don't think there's any shame in saying that you just don't want to hear a word about him to your friends. If they love you they'll respect that. The most helpful thing anyone said to me was that if I wanted long term happiness then not being with XXX was the first step on that path.
Hope you're feeling better soon, and these last few days are just a temporary setback. You sound like you're a great girl, doing fine. X x