To divorce or not?

[SarahBright]

Hi anyone out there who may read this- I would really appreciate some advice. I have a 15 month old and I feel like divorcing my husband. He is a good father and does a lot for me but I feel like he doesn't understand me at all. It is the way he talks to me sometimes. Today he had a go at how long it was taking me to get ready(this isn't the first time either). I feel it is unfair and that with everything I do I should be allowed time to get ready without him being so angry towards me. His anger over issues I see as small things has got worse since we had our daughter or maybe I'm just sick and tired of putting up with it anymore. I feel I have no one to talk to about this. My family don't live nearby and whenever I try to explain my feelings to him it just seems like we can't communicate well and I get even more annoyed. I really feel unhappy and hate the fact that one minute everything is fine then the next I feel so miserable due to his outburst. Maybe I'm being too sensitive. I do try to move on - today I said to him 'are you out your mood yet?' As we we're about to go out & he just ignored me so I didn't go out with him & our daughter. It's like we never want to move on at the same time which is so frustrating! I will stop going on now but I'm thinking about divorce a lot as I feel like he'll never change & I'll constantly have to walk on eggshells.

Has he always been like this, or has it happened since your DC was born? Or is your DC just sort of magnifying what was already there?

Is it worth trying couples counselling, would he consider it?

People who get angry with their partner over petty and trivial matters are usually bullies. If you feel you're walking on eggshells trying to avoid another outburst you're probably a victim of bullying. Bullying (or abusive) behaviour often begins with the arrival of the first child. Quite why is debatable but there is something about the vulnerability and of new motherhood that seems to bring out contempt in some men rather than admiration.

Bullies can only ever be challenged or rejected. You either stand up to them and refuse to be intimidated or you get shot of them completely. There is no middle ground. It's not a matter of misunderstanding either. You can explain your feelings until you're blue in the face and it will have no effect. If he cared about your feelings, he wouldn't bully you.

BTW... joint counselling is NOT recommended where bullying is present. You may wish to consider personal counselling or you may prefer to make a clean break.

Thanks for replying! I think he has had it in him but it didn't come out as much before DC apart from the odd occasion. I can't imagine that he would be up for counselling. I have mentioned the D word so many times in the last year but then somehow we move on but we're obviously not resolving our issues & compromising enough for each other. I think he thinks I'm the one with the problem. I just want less conflict and to feel like I can be me without him having a go

Hmmm this is how it started in my situation. My ex was a little less 'direct' than you, he found a millions things about 'general life' that he was not happy with. Your h is clear that you are a direct cause of his dissatisfaction. Please listen to what he is saying. In my case it ended with 2 dc and 10 years of emotional abuse. I am out now. Please don't be me.

When you say 'somehow we move on' do you mean 'I put up with it'? Because this approach will only lead to more bullying.

You won't change him, OP. But you can change what you will put up with. I would recommend you go to counselling on your own. And empower yourself by finding out how life would work without him (tax credits, maintenance payments). What is your housing situation? Do you own or rent?

I'm afraid I doubt it will get better. Emotional abusers often only let their guard down after the arrival of the first child (as in my case).

Oh and, by the way, he is not 'a good father' he is in fact a poor example of how to behave in a loving relationship. By definition, this makes him a rubbish one.

I often think about leaving, moving back to near my family & starting afresh. We have a mortgage on our house & a joint bank acc etc. what I can't work out sometimes is if it is all my own problems... My parents had a bad marriage & I've always tended to go to the 'extreme' of thinking about ending it when we have arguments which I know is immature. I often feel lonely as I don't have my family and some of my best friends nearby. What if this is my real issue & I get mad at him when he has a go at me (even over little things). He is very different to me- I'm a more laid back person & that's why I don't understand why he gets worked up over little things. Most of the time he's doing his best, working hard etc but I feel like I've got to a point where life's too short. I either need to stop getting worked up when he has a go at me & move on & accept that that is part of 'married life' or decide that this is not want I want from life & get divorced- it's so tricky!!

What you learn from a parents' bad marriage depends on who you are. It might mean, for example, that you grow up believing the function of a wife is to 'stick it out', stop reacting and take the insults on the chin.... or it can mean that you grow up determined never to let yourself be subjected to any crap whatsoever. Depends entirely on you as an individual.

All relationships involve a degree of incompatibility and compromise but, in a good relationship, there should always be an underpinning of kindness & respect. The line has to be drawn when you are being subjected to bullying

You need to make it very clear that you won't go on being treated like this, constant criticism certainly doesn't sound loving and respectful and neither of you sounds happy. You can take your own happiness into your own hands, and you should.

BTW... I don't think you will get anywhere if you constantly talk about divorce but never follow through. If you're unhappy with behaviour and feel you have to issue the ultimate sanction, every time you pull back from that and carry on as normal you weaken an already weak position. If you want respect in your relationship, be consistent and only threaten something when you mean it.

You're right- I think I've lost his respect. I just don't know what to do. I feel like he should treat me better. I'll be sad to get divorced & will feel like I've failed- maybe that's whats stopping me or cos I don't have the guts. I do wish he was different & more laid back, sociable etc so he probably isn't right for me

I find marriage too hard I feel I'm just not cut out for it