Grown Up Children

[Justamum01]

After babysitting for 4 nights in a row, my DD came to collect her DD. She sat to chat but flew off the handle when we told her we needed to let the dogs out as they had been locked in a room for 4.5 hours. It escalated to the point where she became very aggressive. Snarling right into our faces. She even ended up slapping her dad round the face. My poor little GD was terrified and crying. It was awful. It isn't the first time but it has been a good couple of years since we saw it last.

My DD comes to visit several times a week but we don't feel like we want to see her for a while after this.

I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to about it (such as my sister or best friend) as I don't want it to sour the relationship she has with them.

How do I do this without it turning into one of those rows that last for years. I don't want that at all.

I'm upset and lost.

Do you keep your GD overnight or your daughter came to drop her off 4 times in a row?
Why had the dogs been locked in a room for 4.5 hours? Are they too wild to be around the child? Perhaps your daughter is worried about this.
I think relying on family for childcare causes all kinds of problems and stresses on both sides. She shouldn't be depending on you for childcare, which is sounds like she is. Perhaps she can't handle the obligation towards you that this entails.
Instead she should just be popping round for social visits. I think if she is depending on you for childcare this needs to change for the happiness of everyone involved.

Gosh this is terrible. I feel for you.
Your DDs has behaved outrageously. Has she a history of MH issues? You say that you have witnessed a previous outburst.
Anyone could understand your reluctance to see her from now on, but this would involve not seeing your GC.
Why did things escalate so rapidly into a violent scenario ? Was your DD hit when she was young?

You say you have no one to talk to. Doesnt your Dh want to discuss what happened?

Your DD sounds so angry. Has she got anything to be angry with you or your DH about? It seems so innocent, just asking to let the dogs out.

I would wait until things calm down and then try and resolve the issues between you and her and your husband.

She will have gone home and had a think about the situation and either she wants to continue her relationship with you or not. However if you do a lot of childcare she will have to do something to resolve the situation. I think the ball is in her court and you need to wait until she contacts you. Hopefully with an apology.

I think you should demand an apology - particularly her father - for the appalling behaviour before you let her back in your home. Be assertive because I get the impression that you're frightened of her and she's exploiting that. If she chooses to turn it into a 'row that lasts for years', that would say a lot more about her than it does about you.

Are the dogs referenced hers or yours?

Thank you for your reply.

She has had anxiety and panic attack MH issues, yes. We never hit either of our children and she hasn't been around anyone that does. However, she has been aggressive towards me on a couple of occasions when she still lived at home. I have never told anyone, not even my DH. You would never ever guess if you met her - or us.

I don't think she'd stop us from seeing our GC. I saw them yesterday in the street (we live close) and I concentrated on my GC and didn't make eye contact with her.

It escalated when she jumped up to go and told her DD that they were "not wanted here". When I asked her why she was being funny about it she replied "don't you DARE speak to me like that in front of my DD". Then it escalated very quickly to verbal aggression. I've thought about it a lot and her response to what was being said and how it was being communicated was out of kilter. It was completely irrational and in the end she was raging.

I have had my suspicions that she has MH issues but I now know that there has to be something not quite right. Which makes the 'what now' very difficult. It is perhaps cruel to abandon her but at the same time me and her Dad don't deserve to be treated that way. We are decent people.

You wouldn't be abandoning her or being cruel by demanding an apology, you'd be standing up for yourself and setting some boundaries of acceptable behaviour. By acting passively - such as avoiding eye contact in the street - you're achieving nothing constructive. She has to take responsibility for her behaviour.

Do you think her possible/undiagnosed MH issues or behavioural problems mean her children are at risk?

Thank you for your reply. It's very insightful. Although I would never admit it openly, I think I am just a little frightened of her. I don't know what she is capable of. When she loses it, it can get so out of hand so I try my best to do whatever I can to keep the lid on it. She must know and I think she is exploiting that.

The dogs are ours. One cannot be trusted around children so we never ever take the chance. Our GC doesn't stay over for the same reason.

Thank you for your reply. I need to do this.

Right. So if one cannot be trusted around children, it's understandable that she didn't want it let out around her DD. Or did you not mean that dog, just the other dog?

Why not wait until she left before letting the dogs out?

I am someone who is very "precious" when it comes to my children and dogs. I just don't think the risk is worth it.

NOt that I'm excusing your daughter's behaviour! I'm just wondering why the dogs were such a big deal to her and you have explained that by saying one of them isn't safe to be around kids.

I think you misunderstand the dog thing sakura.

Does your daughter have a partner OP?

I want to warn you against a softly softly approach. My parents have done that with my 44yr old sister her whole life and she's just getting worse. My mum just rang me today about something she did that was so disrespectful that I am angry still. My parents are so used to walking on eggshells around her that while they were angry, they didn't get how awful she was.

Strong respectful boundaries are needed with a blunt approach. Don't be my folks, they will die sooner than they should because of her.

I think demanding anything from her at this stage will be counter productive.
If she has MH problems then all you can do is take steps to defend yourself by not engaging with her at all if she starts to lose her temper.
However, it is difficult because you love your GD and no doubt want to continue seeing her.
I am sorry to say this, because it may be that in her past you and your husband have behaved very well towards her, but has either of you been violent or aggressive towards her during her childhood?
Usually when someone is pushed into a corner they lash out.
Also when a person cannot be honest, it frustrates them and then they say things that they don't mean.
I am not condoning your daughters behaviour at all, just searching for reasons why she should behave in this vile manner when you are doing her a favour.

Sorry my reply cross posted. I see now that you never hit your children and I apologise.
I think you need to log all her violent incidents.
If your DD has MH issues, where does that leave your GD?

My father was emotionally abusive but unbeknown to him my DM used to hit us. He had a thing about us not being hit so we never told him what she had been doing behind his back.
What is your DHs take on all this?

Hi Sakura, oh no we would never let the dog out of the room while our GD was in our house. It was on my mind that he had been shut in a room for a long time and we needed to let him out very soon. A reasonable response would have been "oh don't worry mum, we're leaving shortly anyway" or even "sit there Dad, I'll take him round the block" but she took it personally. It was shocking how such an innocent comment ended up in violence.

I don't understand why people are suggesting that the OP and her husband (a victim of domestic violence) are somehow responsible for the assault. I don't believe that would be happening if the DD was a DS.

Justamum
Oh dear! Children can bring us big joys and big sorrow.
I am so sorry to hear about the 'event' with your daughter. I agree with Cogito. There are some underlying MH issues and you must stand up for yourself in a more active way. As far as I can see she needs you more than you need her. So if you draw some boundaries she will not like it, and aggressively try to push them and tear them apart. Have you tried to behave with her as you would with a non-relative for whom you would have babysit. I mean have you tried to tell her: bring your daughter from this precise time until this precise time- tell her in advance to be punctual at pick time because you need to take the dogs out then. It might help her keep in check her behavior if she knows in advance what will happen and when. Maybe she does not know how to deal with unexpected events. Good Luck!

You need to be firm with the boundaries in babysitting. You must also clearly tell her that she is not invited to stay in after she picks up the kid until she duly apologize for what she did to her dad.
Her aggressive outburst and your good heart must not turn you into her victims. Good Luck

Hmm, never any excuse for slapping. Totally inexcusable.

One thing though. My parents are very difficult people and conversations are laden with double meanings, guilt trips and humpiness. You never know how it's going to go with them. I am therefore wound like a spring when with them and hyper alert to criticism (of which they are full). Any chance your dd may have perceived some criticism with regards to the dogs and that maybe she'd stayed away a bit too long? Even if that's not what you meant.

I've gone nuclear on my parents before, it gets worse as I get older and less afraid and on the face of it if you don't know the undercurrents and history,it would look as though I was just a screamy nightmare.

Do you provide evening care for your GD because your DD works evenings?

Oh dear! Children can bring us big joys and big sorrow. I am so sorry to hear about the 'event' with your daughter.

It wasn't an "event" it was a fight or an assault or an incident.

OP does your daughter have a partner? What's the current situation regarding future babysitting arrangements?