Think marriage over... but what now? Pls advise

[wook]

I think my marriage is over... I don't think I love my DH anymore. In fact, sometimes I feel as though I hate him. But he does not do anything wrong- he's kind, a great loving dad, really helpful in the house, mild mannered, sweet.. I'm the one who goes round shouting and being horrible and abusive. We are going to relate, but so far it hasn't really helped. I don't fancy him anymore, not that our sex life was ever sizzling!!, and keep being attracted to other people. Sometimes he makes me so angry i don't know what to do, but he's not doing anything wrong. It's got to where i shudder every time I hear him eating and stupid things like that. I don't think it's honest to stay, but I haven't the foggiest idea how to go forwards. We both live away from our familes and I don't have any friends here who are the kind I could go and stay with and take my 14 month old!! I work 3 days a week and can't pack in my job. I don't want to do anything to disrupt my son's life- he is such a happy little biy and he adores his dad. But barely a day goes by when I am not cross over something. I think when I wake up that everything will be OK but ten minutes later things go downhill, usually after I've flown off the handle for some reason. Help, help help! I just keep going back and forth in my mind and I'm driving myself crazy. I feel so sad, Help!!!!!!!! anyone been here? what happened next?

oh dear reading your story reminds me that ive been like this with nearly every man ive ever got close to. the listening to them eating thing really hits homewith me! i think with me it was a case of the "nice" man would let me scream and shout and get away with it so i did it even more to try and get a reaction. sorry not much help but can totally empathise with how youre feeling

are you sleep deprived/depressed/over stretched/stressed at all do you think? I used to get quite cross at my dh and annoyed about all those stupid things. I changed a few things in my lifestyle (gave up booze, started taking st. john's wort, do special relaxation exercises etc)and while things can still be hairy they are much better in general...

have you been together long? did you know him well/live with him before having your ds?

How long have you been going to Relate? I guess if you're really going nowhere, it will become obvious and maybe you can broach the subject of him moving out... Sad if he has a lot of positive qualities. Have you worked out why you feel so angry with him? Is it only to do with the sex or are there other reasons?

Jeangenie has a really good point. I went through a really rough patch with my dh a couple of years ago and a lot of it was due to a very stressful work situation... Once I left the job, things got much better...

be careful think about it.........yes maybe have a night out with your girlfriends...and chat to someone that can understand you...

if he's a nice man....I would think before doing anything edgeeeee..

it's not easy to find a nice man....

and believe me........all the men are the same in general..........

better stick with the first one...It's not worst
to change him!!!!

Hi thanks so much for your replies, yes I have tried anger management of sorts- I can now analyse it all brilliantly, but not stop feeling it in the first place. It's so true that a nicer guy lets you be so much worse. But I just feel guilty all the time- even when we haven't argued, because all the feelings towards him are so negative and he doesn't deserve it. And nor does my son deserve to have parents who bicker and shout. It's been miles worse since I was pregnant and part of me thinks there may be hormones at work or something, but talking to the relate counsellor is really making me see that I am not entirely to blame. Just so confused, and yes, being sleep deprived is of no help at all in this situation!!!

Practically how do you envisage life as a single parent?

You decided to start a family 2 years ago; you're going to find it pretty hard to support yourself and ds on a part-time job given that you will lose 75% of dh's salary. And in terms of "I don't want to do anything to disrupt my son's life", I think seeking to get his father out of your life contradicts that statement.

Relationships require work and maintenance. You have made a commitment "for better for worse", and you need to be looking at wasy of working at this, not trying to lay your escape plans. Marriages do irretrievably break down, but this doesn't sound as if he is abusing you or being unfaithful. You're bored by him and find him irritating. If Relate isn't working, then perhaps you can consider why it isn't working? Are you being asked to face things that you don't want to address in yourself, or is dh in denial about things he needs to do? Are you having individual sessions with the counsellor - you may find to have one or two of these beneficial. I think that you have some issues which you need to address, and getting out of your marriage won't solve them.

If you're pregnant at the moment, I would not do anything in a rush. I definitely think that it is better for children to have divorced parents than grow up in a house with lots of rowing, but I know I used to get REALLY ratty with dh when I was pregnant (and of course, he put up with it because he put it all down to hormones), but it didn't last... I'm not saying that your situation is down to hormones, just that it might be influencing it and it must surely be better to have the support of your dh when the new baby is born, rather than go through it all alone...

everything is so much harder with lack of sleep...

fwiw I wouldn't do anything drastic just now. A 14 mo baby can cause all sorts of havoc in a relationship. HAve you spoken to your GP or anyone who might be able to assess you for PND? you sound a bit resentful (I know I have on occasion bottled up resentment about my situation and directed it at my DH without ever realising that's what I was doing)...

so what are the things the relate counsellor has picked up that are not your fault?

I would second Jeangenie, could you possibly see your gp and get assessed for pnd? I felt very similar (anger, anxiety etc) although in a different situation. Living away from your family can't help either. Do you see them much?

Wook, i could've written your post - you sound just like me! my dh is also a lovely man and a brill dad, but i just want to rant and rave at him all the time! i just get so angry for the tiniest of things, the sound of him eating rang a bell with me too, it drives me insane! also no sex life.. am going to see doc soon as think its more to do with my erratic mood swings..
Could this be the problem with you too??

Wook: Speaking from personal experience I would say please don't rush into anything especially leaving.
I have been with my dh for almost 16 years and married for 11. We have 4 children and when my twins were 18 monsth old I left him, thinking I was ni longer in love and all of the things you describe now is excactly as I felt then. I had had terrible pnd with the twins and prior to leaving I have taken myself off my ad's. I only moved round the corner into my mums and we shared having the children although he was the main parent.
At the time I truy believed I didn't love him, we stayed apart for a year and he was the most wonderful dad and friend the whole time I put him through so much and eventually I went back on ad's and got through my pnd. I finally realised ho much I really did love him and we went on to have another baby (now 3) and expecting #5.
I look at him every single day and thank god I didn't lose him for good Welling up with tears just thinking about it
Please please try relate, talking to gp, anything that may help you and your dh stay together.
xxxxx

My first thought was PND. If he's a decent bloke thikn very hard before chucking it all away, especially if you are thinking of replacing him with another model at any point . I've come to realise that there are many more shits out there than otherwise and if you've got one of the latter hang on to him!! It's in the nature of long-term partners to be irritating from time to time. It's not them, it's the situation. Beleive me I've thought of upping and leaving for the very sort of reasons you've mentioned but would never do it. It's not possiblt to live with the same person for a long time wtihout finding them hard work from time to time. You should hear my mum go on about my dad...and they really do love each other.

I tink I stayed too long in my 19 year marriage and should have probably left earlier. I suppose I left when it became absolutely unbearable so may be that was the right point to split up.
If you don't love him and can't bear to see him eat etc. do you think you'd be happier and it would be better for your son if you were living as a single parent?
Also don't assume you 'd get your son. Some men have their children to live with them. Could you cope on a very low income without your son around? That can be a divorce consequence. It can all be brought out - this mother not fit, depression, mental problems, shouts, anger management - therefore child to live with father and mother to pay maintenance to child out of her 3 days a week earnings, mother moves to tiny council flat.

gosh, all food for thought, thank you loads for your posts. No hasty decisions until after we've seen the Relate thing through I think....