EA history but now respect is due- how do I get it?

[twoandahalftimesthree]

I have a history of being emotionally abused by my older sister and that has been the model for every significant relationship throughout my life. However, I am proud to say that not only have I come to this realisation but I've also made some real progress on the road to 'recovery' too. Yet, I am still frustrated by being 'disrespected' by a lot of people, perhaps I wouldn't have realised that they were doing it before, and just remained frustrated, but now I do realise and i do know that the balance isn't right. The biggest issue at the moment are the people I manage at work. Especially when it comes to absences and the off duty rota people are just taking the piss but I feel very confused as to how to handle it. I want to be the iron fist in the velvet glove- my aim is to be warm but demanding, but it's all about having the confidence to get the balance right.
When I was a child my sister used to keep me quiet and under control by undermining my idea of right and wrong so that I had to turn to her for 'moral guidance' at every turn- now, I just don't know what is appropriate! How can I work it out for myself now?? How do I make the next step in the road to recovery??

You already know staff are 'taking the piss' so your moral compass is working just fine. Do you have a line manager you could ask for advice on how to deal with the situation?

I guess the moral compass is working fine- I do know things aren't quite right. I have brought it up with my line manager but thing is, no one is doing anything that's really obviously an issue instead it's more low grade stuff. There are a million examples but here's one: I have one person off sick for last few weeks. On weds I talked to her and she said she had hosp appt on thurs where she would be told whether she was fit to come back to work or not. In this conversation, I asked her really clearly twice to let me know how she got on but she didn't get in touch. I gave her 24 hrs and then started to get genuinely worried that the appt had been bad news so I text her. 12 hours went by, still no reply, then 'oh yeah, dr said I am fine' no explanation for lack of contact and no actual confirmation that she is coming back to work (although I assume she is). There are many other examples of this sort of thing where people just don't do as I ask when I think it's perfectly reasonable to expect basic communication from people- they know I have responsibility to cover shifts, they know their absence puts more pressure on the rest of the team, all I ask for is communication to give everybody as much notice as possible.

I think a lot of what you describe boils down to what I call 'expectations and consequences'. You outline the task, you set the expectation (the deadline, the quality of the work required, why it's important etc) the rewards of getting it right (not necessarily financial) and, at the same time, you set up some consequences of getting it wrong. Just reading what you've written so far, it's the last part that seems to be missing in your case. What happens if someone's absent with permission, fails to cover the shift etc? What happened to the woman that didn't get back to you about the doctor appointment?

Some people can be authoritative enough that others simply do what they say. The rest of us have to apply a bit of stick and carrot before others get the message

Cogito, you're totally right. What is the consequence when there are issues- I feel completely impotent.
I know that in the past whenever I bring up behavioural issues (I am pretty sure I am fairly reasonable about it) with people they tend to get very emotional and turn on the tears, so I end up looking after them and cajoling them. I am sure they have found it's the ideal strategy to deflect any criticism from me!

You mean you're a soft touch :) That's easy enough to correct. Get more of a reputation as a tough nut, let the crocodile tears fall as they may, resist the touchy-feely stuff when it's being used to manipulate.... and maybe dish out a few well-placed verbal/written warnings just to keep the rest of them on their toes?

I think I understand your problem. Having been subjected to bullying within your family you don't want to be guilty of doing the same thing to others. You've therefore gone for 'iron fist in velvet glove' in an attempt at balance but you've ended up a 'cream puff in a velvet glove' and having no authority. I think you can risk being significantly more 'iron fist' and you'd still be well short of a bully.

Hey OP,

Does your company have a written absence policy? That details how much absence is expected in a 12month rolling period, who to contact when you are sick, etc? If so, then you base all your management of absence around that.

Do bear in mind that when people are off sick, you are only supposed to expect "reasonable" contact from them. If someone is covered by a sick note, they would not be expected to contact you until the sick note is about to expire. However if someone has agreed to contact you and doesn't, then that should be noted down when you do their return to work interview, and expectations set for any future periods of absence.

It is very difficult to become the "firm but fair" manager when up until now your team have seen you as a soft touch, or the warm and huggy type. They expect your behaviour to continue as it always has done and they may react badly when you start bringing in the new approach. Tough shit for them; you're their manager, not their friend. Would suggest if you currently socialise with your team, to stop except for very occasional drinks after work, perhaps once a month. It's very hard to manage someone you see as a friend.

I think I definitely am a cream puff in a velvet glove! I need to develop an authoritative personality, it's just hard to go against all the programming from such an early age. My sister used to tell me I was being selfish if I made any 'demands' of anybody- a great strategy to make sure she got all the attention from our parents.
I need some ideas on what to say to the person who didn't communicate about her drs appt when asked to do so. It isn't a formal disciplinary issue, she did tell me, but I don't think I should have to chase her. It's a matter of her being ignorant and showing that she doesn't really have any respect for me.
She has been ill and so I have to be sensitive to that at her return to work interview. I plan to go through the staff absence section of our handbook with her so she is clear on requirements for the future, but can I say 'when I ask you to let me know whether you are fit for work or not, I expect you to do so without delay. I don't expect to wait until 36 hours after your appt. When I text you at 10am I didn't get a reply til 9pm. I can't imagine that you hadn't checked your phone in that length of time, so why would you not reply sooner?'

Also, ask your line manager for help if you are struggling with this. Ask him/her if you can roleplay some scenarios for welfare meetings, RTW interviews, disciplinary meetings, etc. Or they may be some courses they can book you on to help you manage more assertively.

This may not be what you want to hear...

However. I had a ground floor job , did my training and went back in low management. I found all sorts of resentment...Seeing me as a jumped up ground floor worker. I made a sideways move elsewhere and it was the best thing I ever did. I was able to be who I was without the judgements.

People will not encourage you in your job to hold authority when they want there own way.

Best of luck you are on the right road by the sounds of it

I need some ideas on what to say to the person who didn't communicate about her drs appt when asked to do so.

I am really sorry but you don't do/say anything about this. It was a request not an order. If someone is off sick then harassing them can actually extend the sick leave, not reduce it.

but can I say 'when I ask you to let me know whether you are fit for work or not, I expect you to do so without delay. I don't expect to wait until 36 hours after your appt. When I text you at 10am I didn't get a reply til 9pm. I can't imagine that you hadn't checked your phone in that length of time, so why would you not reply sooner?'

No. 'I was sick, and unless you heard otherwise, you were to expect me back once my sick note runs out.'

OP this is not the way to manage sick employees. You need to read up on your sickness policy and back off a bit. The note from the doctor should detail when the sick note runs out, and if they are sick after that, they should contact you at that point, and send another sick note in. You should not be demanding that they contact you in between unless they are happy to do so.

I also don't think you can challenge the sick employee quite so confrontationally and would suggest getting some advice from senior management and HR (if available) on how to approach it. You can request that 'in future.... so that I can organise cover.... let me know as soon as you possibly can whether or not you'll be back to work' Make it a practical requirement to keep the business running rather than any suggestion they were swinging the lead.

Alternative, yes I know I can't say that, I just want to cos it seems deliberately ignorant to avoid telling me.
Her sick note was running out the very next day so it seemed entirely appropriate to me that she would tell me whether she would be back in work as I would have to find cover for her shifts if not. Purely out of consideration for the other team members if nothing else. Would that not normally be expected?
Plus I had spoken to her just prior to this to say that if after seeing dr she felt she needed to work reduced hours and/or have light duties I could arrange it so I needed this info too.
This incident aside though, I do definitely need to cultivate authority cos its a lot of low grade behaviours that are grating with me over the long term. I want an assertiveness coach...

Just to give full history of lack of concern for my authority, the person in question has a history of lateness which has been discussed in the last two reviews. She is late only by a few minutes, but consistently, and it creates resentment in the team if one person swans in when everyone else has been busy getting the show on the road. Informal reminders didn't work so it had to be discussed at review. After the first review, it improved for about a month then went back to late again. So at second review she was told improvements needed to be consistent. Not had much of a chance to evaluate her response to this as she has been ill a lot since then (it is definitely a totally genuine illness).

*I just want to cos it seems deliberately ignorant to avoid telling me.
Her sick note was running out the very next day so it seemed entirely appropriate to me that she would tell me whether she would be back in work as I would have to find cover for her shifts if not. Purely out of consideration for the other team members if nothing else. Would that not normally be expected? *

No, you would have to plan for both eventualities. You risk getting yourself in trouble for harassing them otherwise.

the person in question has a history of lateness which has been discussed in the last two reviews. She is late only by a few minutes, but consistently, and it creates resentment in the team if one person swans in when everyone else has been busy getting the show on the road. Informal reminders didn't work so it had to be discussed at review. After the first review, it improved for about a month then went back to late again. So at second review she was told improvements needed to be consistent. Not had much of a chance to evaluate her response to this as she has been ill a lot since then (it is definitely a totally genuine illness).
The lateness, unless it is linked to the illness. Each time it happens, you follow the disciplinary route to the letter. First time, informal warning. Second time, written warning. Third...final written and fourth a dismissal. Follow your company disciplinary procedure to the letter.

Don't discuss it - take action.

See how long it takes them to respect you once you start dishing out warnings. Hint: Not long at all!

Definitely smack the lateness down with warnings and dismissal..... :) Not only solves the immediate problem of the employee taking the piss, but will also heighten your authority with the others at the same time.

Do you have a HR department? Please check with them if possible because sickness, if handled badly, can so easily turn into a tribunal case. Not to suggest you would mishandle it on purpose, but it can be an absolute minefield and unfortunately there are some people around who will claim constructive dismissal and harassment at the drop of a hat.

In reality, the only way I would handle it badly would be to be overly accommodating. Knowing me, I'll probably end up offering to do all her shifts myself and she can take as long as she likes off!
That's the trouble I guess, my inner voice is always saying 'bloody hell, these people are taking the piss' but my actual voice is saying 'oh dear, poor you. What can I do to help you?' I need to find the middle ground.
Wrt lateness (it is not illness related), yes, I need to pick it up every single time for every person and dish out warnings accordingly.

I am just having a little brainwave here and thinking that I am so bloody needy and it still shows through in everything I do. No wonder I come across as a push over.
I am still the little child needing attention from my parents but my sister is standing over me saying 'be good and be quiet, they haven't got time for you. Don't be selfish and demanding.' So I was good, I am 'good', never making any demands but inside I just want to have a big tantrum so people notice me at last- it's a really crap strategy!